Who wanted her psyche assuaged.
Hormones, anxiety, not enough piety....
From life made her feel disengaged!
On my last blog I had a link to 100 Things About Me...that was an interesting exercise. Since I will be 42 in November, I figured I'd use that number and write an updated version. I feel like a totally different person than I did in 2004 when I write the original list, so I will be interested to see if there is any overlap at all. I have a feeling this one may be a bit more negative.
1) I am physically in the best shape of my life, but that has shown me that the problems I have with my appearance are almost totally psychological - because I am no more comfortable in my own skin and still suffer from all the same insecurities.
2) I have gotten over my eternal hatred and distrust of television. I am still not the type to sit mindlessly on the couch channel surfing, but I have spent hundreds of hours in the past year and a half watching every episode of Six Feet Under, Dexter and House. I am about to go back (thanks to Netflix) and revisit a few shows from the early 90s, literally the last time I watched television at all. I have been pleasantly surprised to see how good television can be on both artistic and psychological levels.
3) Sometimes the main emotions I experience are guilt and resentment.
4) By guilt I don't mean theological guilt, but rather guilt from failing to live up to whatever unrealistic expectations I have put on myself, or think other people have of me. More often than not I am wrong about these things being important at all.
5) I can't focus on a million things at once like I could in my middle 30s...I won't accomplish anything requiring more focus than dishwashing if I also have to tend to children. This means I don't get all that much accomplished in the creative or intellectual realms these days.
6) I let my 16 year old Moppet read and watch things I never thought I would when she was 14. I don't think I realized the difference between the maturity level of 14 and 16 year olds. I think it has actually been a benefit rather than a detriment.
7) I have become a lot less outspoken. In a way this is good, since I used to be the freaked-out type of person who could talk or argue something into the ground for the sake of debate. But in other ways I think it shows that I feel more easily defeated and less sure that I have anything interesting to say.
8) I finally bought a baking stone and peel last year, after wanting one for about a decade. And baking on a super-hot stone really does make a HUGE difference in the quality of pizza and artisan breads.
9) I have always felt like I am sitting on the outside observing life, rather than living it, and this is getting more pronounced as I get older. I do this with my own psyche too - I sit and analyze myself like I am a psychiatrist, like That Neurotic Person On The Couch is some patient and not me.
10) I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee about 3 months ago, and I truly had no idea how much of a drug caffeine is, and how much it affected me physically and psychologically. I was totally clueless about my normal sleep patterns. I still drink some caffeine in iced tea every few days, but I know if I drank a triple-shot non-decaf latte now I would feel like I was on speed.
11) Though this whole list probably reflects it - I will say specifically that my 40s have (so far) not been the positive experience I expected. I have had more anxiety, more depression, less confidence and more physical problems.
12) I used to think I would never take any kind of hormone therapy, but since I learned about bio-identical hormones I have reconsidered that. With as bad as you can feel through peri-menopause and menopause, I now think that even with possible risks, it would be better to live a few years less and be happier. I actually read a forum for peri- and menopausal woman on a regular basis. It's hard to believe I am old enough to need to do that.
Sitting here letting my rear spread out will not get me closer to that goal. It's time for me to work out. I have a new Kelly Coffey-Meyer DVD I am looking forward to doing for the first time.
Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of Forty-Two Things.