Christians Are The New Idiots?

Okay, I know I a lot of my Christian friends probably think I push the envelope of Christian propriety because I watch what can only be called "gritty" television. My most recent foray into the land of fictionalized fallen humanity is the Netflix original series Orange Is The New Black. It is based on the memoir of a nice, upper-middle class woman who finds herself in a women's prison for transporting drug money. It has all the features you might expect - sex between inmates, semi-coercive sex between inmates and prison employees, strong language and the requisite Crazy Christian. And she’s what I want to talk about. Or rather, I want to talk about why it is so difficult to find a media portrayal of either 1) a normal Christian or 2) actual Christian beliefs.

The Christian in the show is a meth addict who is in the prison because she killed someone at an abortion clinic - not because she was protesting abortion, but because while she was having one, a clinic employee “disrespected” her by commenting that she had been there five times already. She was not a Christian at this time. You know when she “became” a Christian? When a “Christian” law firm approached her and wanted to take on her case, because now she had all kinds of “Christian” fans who thought she was “defending the unborn” with her rifle.

Once she is in the prison she is constantly going on about the evil lesbians everywhere and telling everyone that she is God’s prophet and surrounding herself with a bunch of minions who play along with her so-called healing powers. You won’t be surprised to learn that she is not all that popular, nor does she ever proclaim anything resembling the actual gospel. The main character, Piper, somehow gets on our prophet's bad side (not hard to do) and in order to make peace, she says a prayer that satisfies the Crazy Christian enough to think Piper now warrants baptism. So, they clean out the muck sink in the laundry room to use for dunkin'  the former evil sinner right into God’s Kingdom. When the attractive blonde sees the murky waters of her salvation, she backs out and finally shares what she really thinks.

Piper: I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes. I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell, I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that. I mean, don't you?

Crazy Christian’s Minion:  The angel thing does seem kind of desperate.

Crazy Christian: I thought you was a Christian.

Minion: I am, but I got some questions.

Piper: Look, I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't. Feelings aren't enough. I need it to be real.

In all my years as a Christian, I have never met another believer who 1) thought shooting abortion providers was “doing God’s work”  2) called themselves a prophet and/or 3) thought they had healing powers. But I have talked to numerous non-believers who do equate Christianity with these doctrinally unsound fringe elements and absolutely do not know what the gospel is. They do ask important questions like, well, why do people get whacked with machetes if God is supposed to be good. But why haven’t they heard that our faith is not based on feelings? Who told them dead children become angels? Why don’t they know that people get cancer because we live in a fallen world full of fallen people, and so we can all expect to eventually receive that paycheck - the wages of sin, which is death.

There are so many problems with both the Crazy Christian character and Piper’s understanding of the Christian faith. Are Christians really portraying the gospel as something it isn’t, or are non-Christian creatives suppressing the truth in unrighteousness (Romans 1). I suspect it is a combination of both. Someone doesn’t have to believe in the Christian doctrine to present it correctly - well-known atheist Christopher Hitchens proves that. It’s disappointing (but not surprising, I suppose) that people who can produce an otherwise thoughtful show would fall into depicting caricature Christians (and this is not the only one to do so). But shame on us if we are lending ourselves to being caricatured.

What is the reason for the hope that is in you? How would you answer Piper?

Learning to Focus and Work "Little and Often"

I have been spending a lot of time at the Sustainably Creative site. the proprietor is a man about my age who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and so obviously has a lot of fatigue and other symtoms which translates into not a lot of energy. He has courses and podcasts and short ebooks about learning to fit creative creative work into a life with the kind of physical limitations he has. I don't have any kind of physical issues, unless you count Brain Cell Depletion Caused By Five Children Who Have Never Been To School, but I do have limited time and energy because I have a lot of people who need to be fed and listened to and a lot of messes that need to be cleaned up and a lot of keeping-it-togethering I have to do as an introvert living a life better suited to extroversion.

My last post here was a run-down of all the stuff I like doing and want to have time for, but what I tend to do is wait for the big chunks of time to come along to do any work, and instead spend the small bits of time being resentful about how rarely that happens instead of just doing some little thing during those brief moments. I also realized recently that my ability to focus is pretty much shot. That is caused by a combination of my life circumstances (which have not allowed me to finish more than 20 thoughts in as many years) and all the voluntary distractions that most of us struggle with, especially in this age of instant communication and unending topics that need to be explored right now via the search engine of your choice. See, as I write this I am reminded that a friend mentioned a new search engine to me yesterday, and my first inclination is to just open another tab and real quick-like look that baby up. But I have a timer set here for 20 minutes (the amount of time Mr. Nobbs recommends for short focused working) and by golly, I am not going to follow the little bluebird of distraction.

When I had only one kid and was still involved in the whole Perfect Wife and Mother and Homeschooler Club, I had the Managers Of Their Homes book. This is a system made for large homeschooling families that teaches you to break your day into 20-minute blocks of time so you can Fit It All In. That sucked. It was just another way to overplan and overschedule and it made me depressed. I am way more into Mr. Nobbs' thought process, that it's okay to just have one thing to do each day, even just one 20 minute block of focused time working not on what needs to be done or should be done, but on what Your Important Work is, as defined by you. Since I am not as limited in my energy as he is, I think I could probably fit in more than one 20 minute period most days - but there are days when I couldn't even do that. He is also big on self-compassion and self-care, another idea I have been drawn to over the past few years, as I have been learning to toss aside my whole lifetime of unreachable personal expectations and tendencies toward constant self-improvement and productivity. I am tired and worn out from all that and I don't want to and can't keep it up mentally or physically anymore.

Second 20 Minutes Begins

Mr. Nobbs reminds us that working "little and often" can add up to a lot of completed work over the years. I think I might get brave and make a video tour of all the work I have after 20 years of working. I admit that my style of work has alternated between the little and often and the rare binge...but either way, whether I am working consistently for a while or have a 3-week binge of work, I have never made a "habit" of doing my creative work and I still have proof that always going back to it gets results. In a way, Mr. Nobbs' stuff reminds me of an artist's version of Stephen Covey's first 3 habits:

1) Be Proactive
2) Begin With The End In Mind and
3) Put First Things First.

In fact he uses the illustration of the jar with rocks that Mr. Covey uses in his book

...the point being that if you want to get big rocks into a jar (the jar being your life, I suppose) you have to put them in first...before all the pebbles and sand.

Unfortunately, most of us have filled up our Jar of Life with the little rocks, and even if they are the pretty polished ones they are not all that satisfying after a while if they are just busywork, or even if they represent good important work that should be done, but not necessarily by you.

I do know that a lot of my anxiety and depression stems from my inability to focus (not necessarily on art stuff either...I don't even want to start doing ANYTHING most of the time because the inevitable distractions depress me before they even happen) and also from all the stupid pebbles that are in my jar. And I am not even a busy person by American Mother Standards. I want to dump out the jar and put some of the big rocks in.


Third 20 Minutes Begins

One of the things that really resonates with me at the Sustainably Creative site is the idea that rest is important for healing. For the past several months I have been thinking, "I need a vacation", but that didn't seem to really get across what I was feeling. But in the last few weeks, even before I found that site, I was starting to understand my situation as a need for healing. Healing from all the pressure I have always put on myself, healing for my tired mind and body. I am a person who honestly does not know how to relax. I am 44 years old, and I doubt if I have truly relaxed for 44 hours during those years. That is why I have always loved to sleep, because that is the only time that I actually stop and don't do anything but, well, exist. And hopefully have interesting dreams. You can understand why I fell in mad love with the television a few years ago, because I discovered that it was True Relaxation that came with Intellectual Stimulation (meaning I could totally rest while I was watching, but it still gave me food for thought afterwards).

Another thing that I am guilty of doing - which gets in the way of both resting and working in a truly productive way - is unnecessary planning and/or "getting things ready" to work. I am not talking about things like mise en place while you are cooking, but rather deciding to straighten up the art supplies instead of using them during the precious half-hour the kids are out in the pool. Mr. Nobbs talks about how important it is to make sure that your setup for working is conducive to just jumping in. I think that my work area usually is ready to use, but what is that inner THING that whispers, "You can start after you have done this small thing that appears to be related to the real task but actually isn't."? Not sure if that is fear of failure or what. I know that it's pretty much a universal situation we artistic types deal with. But then there is the very real need to not work sometimes...either you really have no energy or you are in a percolating period. It's can be hard to discern if you are getting all procrastinate-y in the bad sense, or whether your subconscious mind is being productive for you, ruminating on recent experiences, ideas, etc. with the full intention of making them available to you as creative fodder at some point.

Fourth (and Hopefully Final) 20 Minutes Begins

I am not thinking that I will necessarily be able to regularly finish things in 20 minutes, although an awesome artist recently started a 20-minute painting project and those look great. But there are some things I could finish in 20 minutes. In fact, for the past few weeks I have been setting the time for 20 minutes when I start anything, even something annoying like kitchen work, because when I focus and just work through that time, even if I hate what I am doing I know I can manage to do it for 20 measly minutes, plus I am usually surprised by how much I got done in 20 minutes.

My problem with this short focus period idea is that I have a lot of things I want to do and I never know if I should pick one and work on it (even in these 20 minute snatches of time) until it's completed, or whether I should (gasp) PLAN to do art journaling one week, painting the next, zinemaking the next, etc. I don't want to spend any of the 20 minutes deciding what to do. Of course, even if I have a plan I am always free to ditch it and work on another thing. But I am serious, this kind of question about something can literally paralyze me so I don't do anything at all. The main reason I didn't continue the Bible copywork project I started years ago was because I did not know how I would bind the work, whether I should work on individual sheets and store them in a box, etc. I just stopped because of that little problem and have never started it up again. I know I do need to take some time (20 minutes here and there, hahaha) to consider the big picture and how the projects I want to eventually complete can break down into small steps that won't make the itty bitty 20 minutes cower in fear and despair under the huge looming shadow the project casts.

Mr. Nobbs also talks about the importance of making your intention public, and I am not so sure how I feel about that one. There was a time, back when I was a prolific blogger, when I would do that regularly. Sometimes it helped keep me motivated and sometimes I ditched whatever it was and I was left eating my words, which are sometimes tasty and can be nutritious if I allow my consumption of them to teach me something. In her book Refuse To Choose (which goes well with these other ideas) Barbara Sher debunks the notion that it is somehow bad to start something and not finish it. That is practically an American mantra, that to quit something is to fail. It can be a negative thing if you quit something you truly enjoy to avoid hard work or because you are discouraged with being a beginner, but if you have started doing something and you have learned what you wanted to learn, or decided that the activity really doesn't interest you, or it does interest you but you don't have time for it...why spend the minutes of your life finishing something that serves no purpose for you?

Wow. I had four 20-minute periods to work with today. Cool.

I Only Blog When My Mind Is More Chaotic Than Usual

There once was a mind so chaotic.
At times it seemed almost despotic!
So a purge it did seek, with the freewrite technique,
Which prevented it turning psychotic.


Thankfully, the chaos is not combined with nasty hormonal moodiness. Although it might be if I take more than a few days to finish this post, and we absolutely want to avoid mixing the two. Bad hormones plus an overloaded mind is my middle-class American equivalent of a Whedonesque-type scenario like unintentionally transporting yourself into a demon dimension because you stupidly read aloud the Sanscrit writing on that old amulet you found at a yard sale. The current cranial pandemonium is caused by the horde of ideas and projects that long ago applied for visas into the outside world, but have been kept waiting like folks in a bread line in the former Soviet Union. They are getting impatient. They are getting pissed. In fact, they are about to riot. As a benevolent dictator, I do want to prevent that. But also, since I am a dictator, they cannot leave without my permission. Herein is my proclamation that will set them free. Go forth, Ideas and Projects! Affect the world in a positive way! Make money! Inspire people! Get OUT of my freaking head! Okay, after all that drama you might be wondering what these ideas and projects are. You may know (if you have slogged through my thoughts for any length of time) that I am absolutely terrified of goal-setting, or making resolutions, or trying to plan any kind of scheduled time to do anything. You may also know that despite that fear, I am a total self-improvement junkie. I realize that's kinda oxymoronic. But I must make a disclaimer and say that this is absolutely Not a Manifesto About What I Will Do and When I Will Do It and When It Will Be Done. This is simply giving freedom to the Mindstuff, and if/how it eventually manifests itself in the tangible realm remains to be seen.

As always, the Mindstuff consists of things I want to do/accomplish either soon or eventually, but about which I either procrastinate and/or literally have only a small amount of time for at this stage of my life. Sometimes I am surprised at how much art, writing, etc. I have actually produced over the past 20 years, because I have never been any better at time management than I am now. Even when I had fewer kids and fewer other grownup responsibilities I still wasted time and allowed fear to distract me. Now I'm more afraid that I will drop dead before I can do the things I really want to do. But I  think that God might have finally given me the make-a-craft gift set that will bring into focus the para-domestic side of my life. Shall we open the box and see what it contains?

Paper, lots of different kinds
Computer
Paint, pencils, inks and related art supplies
Books to cut up or scan from
Cutting tools, stapler, needles, embroidery floss, ribbon
Instructional books

Insert reads: Hours of Creative Fun!!! Just add words of all kinds, psychological angst, spiritual meanderings and self-deprecating and sarcastic humor.

Hey, this is the same type of stuff I have been using for almost 20 years! But hopefully since it is the God Stuff and not some cheap Dick Blick knockoff, it will have some kind of irresistible power over me.

Given these supplies, I see that I am supposed to keep making zines, hand-binding books, doing art journaling and learning how to paint...and I sense that I am supposed to add in teaching workshops and writing at least one book. But let's be honest, for most of my life I have been a dabbler and spent a lot more time reading about these very hands-on things than actually practicing them. I hate to say it, but I believe I need to make myself some kind of course of study (for lack of a better term) mostly on the art end of things. My Rebel-O-Meter is beeping like crazy just thinking about it. But there is no way I am going to learn how to, say, mix colors without actually doing the exercises in the color book. Zine making is really the only thing on my list that I think I have "down", as far as being technically competent.

Note: We have entered the demon dimension to which I alluded in the first paragraph. Abandon hope of avoiding snark, all ye who enter here. Actually, my late-evening latte and the fact that Husband has removed all children from the vicinity may allow me to remain in the not-so-evil antechamber long enough to finish this in a more or less pleasant fashion.

So, onto my thoughts about what a smart person would do to improve in these areas, while not at all assuming I am a smart person. I set no actual goals. When I write like this, to focus or clarify things in my mind, it is probably more like I am using the very new-age concept of setting an intention, without the new-age gobbledygook. I remind myself what is important to me so that I can have an idea of what to do when it is time to "do the next thing". I have a tendency to be scattered, in case you haven't realized that yet. Remember, if any of this gets done in 2013, it is a victory. Also remember that most of this will not be new to any of the uh, 15 or so people who read this blog.

Zinemaking: I have not made a zine since 2007 (the 100 page extravaganza Eclectic Domestic/Bohemian Housewife, which will hopefully appear in digital format this year sometime). Six years is a long time to go between zines, and I have started working on one a few times, but I always gave up. I originally thought my next one would have the same title as this blog, No Spring Chicken. But that is the name for my Midlife-Crisis Self, who thankfully appears to have left the building. I am now Midlife Mama, who is much less miserable than that chicken person. But I just couldn't nail down any kind of focus for a zine, which was stressing me out. But then I realized that it's my zine and it doesn't have to have a focus besides well, me and what I want to put in it at any given moment. So I made a cover with the title Midlife Mama Presents: No Rhyme or Reason. That means it will be a good format to chronicle/practice all the stuff that I am trying to integrate into my life at this time.I want to include some things that scare me, like at least one comic and some self-portraits that are less-than-flattering. I also want to include some handmade mixed-media thing, probably some handpainted tag journal books or something.

I have a friend who is also a zinemaker (so grateful I found her!!!!!) and she feels the same way I do about the importance of keeping paper alive in this age of Digital Everything. So, we are going to start a zine distro (distribution site) to promote zines made by Christians. If hers and mine are the only ones that are ever on there, so be it. But we both hope to start infecting people with a virus whose main symptom is an unquenchable desire to create personal publications on paper, or PPP. There is no known cure once you are infected, but it is not easily transmittable, so we have our work cut out for us if we want the infection to spread. I published a How-To-Make-A-Zine zine a few years ago, and I think I will probably make a revised and expanded edition which can be distributed with the virus inside, bwahahahahahaahahah! The joys of being a mad scientist!!!!!

Art Journaling Workshops/Book: This is not the same project exactly, but I need to take a lot of the same steps to prepare. I have sooooooo many books dedicated to bookmaking, art journaling, written journaling exercises, etc. I want to go through all those books and choose projects or techniques that appeal to me and play with them until I can do them well...then I can branch out and change them up, and determine which ones I want to use for "exercises" when teaching. I think I may make a bound book with two or three of these signatures to use for experiments, and if I like it I will send it to Art Journaling Magazine. I will need to not be attached to the book to mail it off - even though they send your work back to you, it can take up to a year and well, who knows what might happen.

When I teach workshops I want to inspire people to make art without fear and judgment, and also to engage with their own lives in that same way. Any kind of "techniques" or art instruction I might give would be secondary.

There are very few art journalers featured in books or magazines who don't seem to be constantly Focusing On The Positive. You know, pages created around your favorite inspirational word or quote, etc. That gets old and boring to me - maybe because my life has certainly not been one long inspirational quote.

I do use them occasionally, though:

But I lean more towards what I consider to be non-nihilistic pessimism:

Most of the time I avoid quotes anyway, and just let it all out in my stream-of-consciousness non-legible way:

My point is not to bash optimism or encourage people to give up trying to find inspiration in an often non-inspirational world...I don't really have a point except to say that I want people who have only seen the cute kittens type of art journaling to know that it is perfectly fine if your personal journaling animal is more scaly than fluffy and has disgustingly bad breath.

I also want my zine to contain a 4 or 8 page mini-prototype of My Future Book which can also be used as a workshop handout. I can't realistically expect to be able to teach workshops for at least 2 years, until Baby is 4ish. Historically, the kids have been about that age when they have been willing to let me go for 6+ hours. 

Natalie Goldberg says that if you want to be a writer, simply write for two full years with no thought of making the writing into anything (novel, memoir, etc)  - so I guess it doesn't seem unreasonable that it could take two years for me to be in any state of readiness to teach. I think the process of writing my book will kill the proverbial flying animal with the proverbial hard object, because well, books like this are workshops wherein the teacher addresses you via the printed page. The book will have a memoir-ish quality that would be missing in the live workshops (because I will be including my own journal writing), but apart from that, when I have a book, I will also have a workshop.

The Really Scary One - Drawing and Painting

This is the scary one because I am truly a beginner in this area, and that is just frustrating. I do have a moderate natural talent for drawing, but it is not that impressive. And when I try to add shading to a line drawing or (gasp) use color in an actual painting, it goes from "not that impressive" all the way down to "decidedly unimpressive". But I want to be able to draw so I can sometimes use my own illustrations in my zines and stuff, and I want to be able to paint because I want to have my own art on the walls of my home.

I do have one painting hanging up already, and I like it, but it's still very amateurish. I think what is good about it was a happy conflagration of accidents.Those definitely have their place in art, but I would prefer if they occurred on top of some kind of technical competency. So, to become technically competent, I have to practice, and my Inner Perfectionist hates to practice, since, well, she wants everything she does to be perfect all the time. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed for people to see my imperfect work, but I really am just lazy and don't want to put the time in, despite mentally assenting to the platitude that It's All About The Journey.

So, what I need to do is keep a sketchbook/paintbook, made with the same Teesha Moore watercolor signatures I mentioned in the art journaling section.  I got a book on color that has a lot of exercises in it, and I guess I have to actually do them. I also want to just draw things from my everyday life, since that is what I want to use drawing for, to add a different element to my ongoing obsession to chronicle my life.  I should expand my horizons and do something besides mapping out my inner landscape. I really should have a Master's degree in cartography by now. (I just stopped and did this sketch of my coffee cup sitting on the piano. My life can honestly be measured out in coffespoons. Not a bad drawing...shading is off but that's what we expected, yes?)

I have soooooooo many cut-off-the-book book covers that I planned to use for paintings and I just need to start doing that (I have used a few of them to make covers for hand-bound books). One reason I avoid painting on them is because I want to paint large, but large canvases are expensive. I have a few large canvases (one with a super-awful painting on it..right now I can hear it whispering, "Gesso over me" in a pathetic raspy tone. Its figurative eyes are begging me to put it out of its misery.) I should probably allow myself to paint on a large canvas as a "reward" for doing color work and stuff in the practice book or on the bookboards, which are probably about 8 x 10.

The Final Frontier - To Sell or Not To Sell?

I have had a few online shops over the years, and they have always been failures...or rather, I have been a failure as a business person. I say that with all the self-love in the world. I just wasn't prepared to have any kind of business. I rarely got orders out on time, plus I was selling things I didn't enjoy making (handmade cards and rag dolls).

I also sold my zines, but even with those, I often wouldn't have enough copies printed, it would take me days to get to the copy place, sometimes I offered a "package" that included a small handmade item, and boom! the customer wouldn't get their order for a month. And no matter how much you like a thing, that kind of sucky customer service is a deal-breaker. (This is not a zine I sold, but one I made for a swap...but it is an example of how my zines look.)


 Despite that poor track record, I still think I will eventually want to offer things for sale again...an online workshop, handbound books and art journals, even paintings if people like them. I don't relate to my past business names anymore, so I would need to think of a new name. And I would have to have an actual inventory so I don't run around frantically like the headless chicken of yore, trying and inevitably failing to get orders made and shipped in a few days' time. At least I learned something from my past experience as a bad businessperson, and I absolutely trust that I would not take this step unless and until I am prepared both practically and mentally.

Anyway, I think that's everything...can you see why my mind was so cluttered? 

20 Minute Timed Writing - "My Ideal Self"

I am not going to share all my timed writings, and this one is probably more focused than most of them are. This is totally unedited and was handwritten with a burgundy gel pen in a college-ruled notebook I bought in a five-pack at Sam's Club. I think it usually takes about 20 minutes before you manage to get below the surface. Natalie Goldberg recommends you don't re-read the timed writings for a few weeks. When you go back and read them you will ideally be less judgmental of yourself and you will be able to see words, phrases, ideas that can be expanded or even beautiful sentences that are full of real-ness.

My ideal self eats no more than 150 grams of carbs most days. She always has several books going - some difficult and challenging, others for pleasure. She reads modern classics. My ideal self reads out loud to her younger children and tries to inspire her older children to read good books. My ideal self works out with weights three days a week, does cardio one day, or better yet, does 10 minutes on the rebounder every day. She fits other uncategorizable workouts in on the other three days and takes one full rest day per week. She is not rigid about any of this but is mostly consistent. My ideal self does twenty minutes of freewriting like this every day. She belongs to a writing group that meets at a coffee house once a month. My Ideal self has two days every month "off" from family duties. If needed, she uses one day to catch up on household duties but ideally she uses two 45-minute maintenance times each day to keep things orderly enough that she can use those days as retreats for reading, writing, art journaling, prayer, etc. My ideal self is patient. She feels annoyed just as much as my actual self but has trained herself to smile instead of growling and snapping. She is not fake when she does this, but she doesn't always want to be a reactionary. She wants to respond instead of react and she wants to respond positively even to negative situations - positively in that she wants to be at peace with all people as much as it depends on her and not part of the problem but part of the solution. My ideal self creates most days. She makes a few art journal pages a week, she works on plans for her future as a workshop instructor, she puts together prototypes for her future book.My ideal self cooks a full meal three times a week and eats a big salad every day. My ideal self takes her multivitamins, her calcium and she looks out for the health of her family without being naggy. She manages to get across not-so-positive emotions and work through tense situations without being sarcastic or naggy or mopey or otherwise ineffectual. She takes a self-portrait once a week. My ideal self keeps up on her digital photos, ideally printing them out regularly, but at the very least backing them up so they will not be lost. My ideal self does not assume the worst about everything, she does not let things that happened in the past make her feel jaded because she thinks she will know how it will all turn out. She is able to walk away from escalating arguments without acting all superior about it. My ideal self listens to world music on a regular basis and she plays the guitar. My ideal self my ideal self my ideal self does not have to write the same thing over and over. She continues to make paper zines even though paper is so out of favor and she reads poetry in the hope that she will someday get it. My ideal self prays for everyone she knows on a regular basis and she makes some kind of creative prayer journal. My ideal self has at least one 3x4 foot painting of her own hanging on the wall of her house. My ideal self my ideal self my ideal self doesn't exist obviously but since I am afraid to even try to plan or make any kind of resolution again (since I have failed at keeping them so many times) I thought that writing about my ideal self would maybe give me some guidance or motivation. My ideal self is not emotionally protective of herself. She is able to love others even through her own pain about unmet needs. My ideal self does not leave her clothes all over the dressing room floor. My ideal self doesn't exist and that's okay. My ideal self would not be a perfect person even if she did exist, but she would be less discouraged about life, more trusting of God and more expansive and loving towards other people. My ideal self is compassionate. She walks through the library and sees a young black man reading a comic book and his lips move, and she loves him and does not think he should be reading a real book. My ideal self is not snippy and is not guarded all the time. My ideal self my ideal self does not check message boards like Happy Eaters and Video Fitness just because she can. She checks things like that at night and in the morning with her coffee. My ideal self mails something artistic to someone every two weeks and she does not go shopping without a list. She even has a food budget.

Maybe The Longest Post Ever...All The Unfinished Blogs I Never Posted, With Commentary From Today's Perspective

I am having such a difficult time writing more than a few sentences these days, but if I don't get some of the "stuff" out of my head, there will be a new reality show about me called Brain Hoarder. And that won't be pretty. I looked in my blog dashboard and saw an embarrassing number of unpublished drafts, and I figured interacting with my own writing would be a good jump-start. I am going to post in unedited entirety blog posts from as long as a year and a half ago, and just have a freewrite response to each one - the response will be in bolded type. I am not trying to wrap up any of these topics in a neat package...just responding to my past self in a probably disjointed, messy way!  1) "Along with the blessed relief from the awful Texas heat, Fall always brings me to a time of Kinda Depressed Introspection. You may be asking, what have all these other non-Fall posts been, if not Kinda Depressed Introspection? I guess in a way that is my default mode."  Kinda depressed introspection is definitely my default mode! The other day I saw one of those supposed-to-be-inspirational internet quotes, and it said something like. "When you feel discouraged, encourage others", and I think I am often like that - I mean, when I am not just whining and complaining about my own discouragement. I was wondering the other day exactly what it means that Christ's yoke is easy, and His burden is light? Does that mean if I feel beaten down and discouraged a lot that I am not hitched up to the right cart?   "I have a love/hate relationship with self-help books and articles, as well as books and articles that are intended to help you in your Christian life."

This morning I was reading Christless Christianity by Michael Horton, as well as listening to his White Horse Inn program, and they both pointed out that (and I paraphrase) "legalism and antinomianism like to hunt together", and that most of us are BOTH antinomians and legalists - we want to have no authority outside ourselves, and also judge others (as well as ourselves) by a strict standard of morality, however we happen to define that. I have gotten a lot out of all the self-help and Christian-growth books I have read, although the piles of bones I spit out after reading them get bigger the older I get.  Each type of book seems to feed either my inner antinomian or my inner legalist, and the really great ones give both of them juicy, dripping slices of the vittles they love most -  could be chunks of pride and judgment or bowls of fear and shame -  they just tear 'em up and consume in wild abandon. They gain weight and strength quickly.

"1:55 pm

I am feeling my most common type of stress - the pressure that comes from having numerous things I could do/should do/want to do/need to do, and the inability to discern which I should choose. The baby is napping and my options are:

1) begin cooking the lunch of lemon tempura chicken

2) fold a load of laundry

3) do strength training

4) participate in a Facebook discussion about whether when Jesus speaks in the Bible, He is speaking to individuals or nations or both

I truly do not have any preference as to which one I do, the problem is that they all need to be done, and I don't know which is most important. Being constantly pulled in numerous directions and not being able to determine proper priorities is one of my biggest challenges. I did just play Yahtzee with 3 of the Moppets, so I do feel like I did some good parent stuff, and it has not been long since they had a snack (apple slices with a peanut butter/maple syrup sauce, dipped in pecans, and Barbara's all-natural cheese puffs), so no one is starving. But food is my biggest homemaking struggle, so I always consider that one first.

I hate, hate, hate having responsibility for feeding people. It is the most stressful, thankless task, and has brought me to tears and made me feel like the Most Worthless Person Ever more times than I can count. There is no way to please everyone, and everyone's a critic, plus it leaves a huge mess. Not to mention the spectres of all the Family Dinners Of Better Families, which are marked by delicious food, edifying conversation and the overflowing kindness of participants, each towards the other. This just reminds me that I am generally burnt-out on woman's work, and all the so-called "duties" of my so-called "role". Gasp. That doesn't mean I want to throw off the patriarchal shackles and head out into the shining vista of the paid workforce by any means. But I really need a vacation from the unending drudgery of it all.

I'm sure I haven't trained my children well enough, and that I am not efficient enough in how I do anything, and that I have an attitude that is not befitting a Christian woman with a meek and quiet spirit, and that it is a great high calling to be home despot in the service of the King and all that, and no sarcasm or irony intended, really. But I am tired of feeling like a household appliance, and not even a respected Kitchen-Aid or Vita-Mix - just one of those cheap foreign numbers that doesn't even work very well and needs to be replaced every few years. I have felt like I need to be replaced for some time now. Replaced with a better model - one which actually works less than the other one, and pays more attention to other things - like people and truly important endeavors.

I don't often give my full attention to my people because I am either feeling the discouraging weight of all the household tasks I could or should be doing, in all honesty, for as long as I am awake - OR - I am annoyed at everyone else for not helping me more often so I don't feel that weight. It's not even that anyone is soooo messy, but there are 8 people living in this house, and lots of different things that each person does, all with its own paraphernalia. I could literally walk from room to room all day and there would be something that needed to be picked up, folded, washed, dusted, straightened, emptied...and I am not even a person who wants Martha Stewart neat and/or clean. So, a certain subset of the how-to better-live-your-Christian-life books really, really left me with baggage, because before I got into that I really never worried about that stuff...not that I was a total pig, but I rightly paid more attention to other things. I got so caught up in the whole role of the wife and mother, and now I feel like I am trapped in a net (one I crocheted myself, of course), struggling to get out. 

I'm not renouncing roles or any of that, but I really don't believe that God would have me put so much time into something that brings me so much discouragement, when there are things I do that are both meaningful to me and a blessing to other people. I don't think anything that is traditionally women's work is demeaning or inherently servile, and I know that things have to be functional on a kind of basic level, or the environment is too chaotic to live and work in. But I do think there is a cyclical, futile quality to it all that can be stifling, almost to the point of suffocation, for me at least. I need to learn to let any truly unnecessary work go, learn how to delegate, do what I can myself, and then move on to do other things... I need to get back to making zines, art journaling, baking, interacting with family and friends more lovingly. I sometimes feel like a part of me is dying, and my Inner Titus 2 Woman is the killer...she's usin' poison fer a slow, not easily diagnosable cause of death.

"Immersing myself in Christian culture is the reason I nearly stopped being a Christian; immersing myself in a morally-suspect show about witches and demons is the reason I came back."

I actually didn't write that quote...I found it on someone's blog in an article they wrote about being a Christian who loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Back in my Godly Womanhood days (not that I don't want to be a Godly woman now, ya know...I'm just referring to the Godly Woman subculture, which contains ladies I am crazy about) I would have not exactly scorned, but definitely been VERY uncomfortable with the idea that a Christian could be watching Buffy, while simultaneously sitting smack dab in the middle of God's Perfect Will For Her Life. I knew nothing about the show, of course and I wasn't even THAT conservative...but really, in addition to the whole holiness thing, how good can a show even be if it is about a 16-year-old blonde named Buffy, who kills vampires?

I never came close to "stopping" as far as my Christian faith went, but I honestly admit that I have found myself to be much less self-righteous, more compassionate, more aware of my own sin...in general, more sanctified since I began watching so-called "worldly" television shows. I have a Facebook friend who posted something a while back, one of those articles that are written by people who are pretty sure YOU shouldn't see something because it contains situations/ideas/philosophies etc. they consider to be inappropriate content...while it's fine for THEM to see it and actually review it, all to protect you. Because you know, you are too dumb to tell fantasy from reality. No doubt if you ever saw a show or read a book that has witches or demons or vampires as characters, you would immediately start spitting blasphemies and run out and join your local coven.

"There was a life, phase after phase.

It oft felt like running a maze.

No matter how odd, twas all planned out by God,

to Whom be all glory and praise.

I wrote an article for one of my past zines called Phases I Have Gone Through - I identified at least eleven distinct phases when I looked back on my life from when I was about 15 years old:

The Psychology Phase

The I Am Woman Phase

The Natural Mothering Phase

The Libertarian Phase

The Pre-Christian Phase

Christian Me, Part 1

Christian Me, Part 2

The Titus 2 Phase

The Aging/Fitness Phase

The Artist Phase

The Midlife Crisis Phase

The Integration Phase (which is basically my whole life)

A lot of these phases overlap each other, and there have been phases within phases.

I am thinking about this again because a revised and expanded version of the article may be officially "published" by an entity other than me, and I am struggling with the revision process. Thankfully, I don't have to make it shorter - I actually have the freedom to expand it to more than twice its current length. But my writing style has changed somewhat since I first wrote it, and I am not sure whether I should try to completely re-write it (which seems too daunting for me right now) or if I should just add a sentence or phrase here and there where it seems appropriate...I am concerned it would end up feeling like a ragged crazy quilt if I did that.

But my biggest concern is that I just won't be able to do it at all, that I will freeze up mentally and emotionally, and will finally pull out the "I-Have-Five-Kids-a-Husband-and-a-House-To-Take-Care-Of-and-I'm-Already-Halfway-to-the-Looney-Bin-So-I-Can't-Do-This" card."

This is the kind of important thing I neglect while I am wandering from room to room, despairing about all the perpetually undone stuff. It's such a cliche, but I definitely know I will not be on my deathbed, wishing I had kept a more organized refrigerator.

"There once was a gal who checked in

With herself to see how she had been

Taking stock of neuroses, making new diagnoses...

Is she hopeful, or filled with chagrin?

I live in my own head so much, one would think I would always be hyper-aware of what's actually going on in there. But most of the time I am so busy and distracted that I simply have a vague sense of unnamed well-being, unease or, occasionally, foreboding. Rarely do any of these feelings line up at all with external reality."

I have a desire to be a sort of pseudo-Buddhist, or maybe Buddhist Lite. All I really know about Buddhism I know from reading Natalie Goldberg's essays on writing. She talks a lot about what she calls "monkey mind", which is basically just the state inside ourselves all the time - lots of fleeting thoughts, restlessness, inability to focus, fluctuating emotions - you have a mind, you know what I am talking about. Buddhist meditation aims to quiet that somewhat, tries to get us to look at our thoughts and emotions in a kind of detached, non-judgmental way. Then there is the whole idea of mindfulness, or just being in the moment. I think a lot of Christians think these are "new age" ideas, and so distrust them. I think that they are perfectly compatible with what we learn about ourselves and about life in the Bible. The gospel basically proclaims that we are a mess, and the monkey mind is proof of that. I am sure Adam and Eve did not have monkey mind, pre-Fall. We now have mixed motives, righteous and sinful desires at war within us, pride and self-loathing hangin' together. Then there is our maddening tendency to spend an embarrassing amount of time regretting the past, worrying about the future, and even having conversations with people inside our heads, making up what we think they will say. All that is the opposite of mindfulness. When I stop at any given moment and think about it, even if I FEEL terrible, the external reality almost always is that things are basically fine. This is not even taking into consideration the fact that God has promised to take all those things which actually are tragic, or serious problems in an earthly sense, and use then for good. So things are always fine in that sense, even when they are not fine in another.

"There once was a gal so befuddled

With her thoughts all piled up and a-huddled.

But when she did write, though not all was polite,

Inner Self would feel slightly less muddled."

I struggle a lot with knowing what is an "appropriate" amount of negativity in my writing. On the surface, a lot of what I write appears negative, but I never let it just stay that way, let the pain or whatever just exist there, raw on the page, without the little twist to make it...I don't know, easier to swallow both for myself and others who might read it. I know that everything goes towards our sanctification, but some of our issues will never, ever be well reconciled in this life, and I think it is a defense mechanism when I try to always "put things into perspective". I want to be brave enough to just say something, and allow it to be what it is, in all its uncomfortable awkwardness, making plain to everyone that I have serious wounds, many besetting sins, and ugliness inside me that just won't quit.

"I am alone except for a sleeping baby. At least I thought I was alone, but then I felt the presence of Midlife Mama, who has spent the last 5 years or so living in one of my mental guest bedrooms. I know, I know. You are wondering how many alter-egos one non-schizophrenic can have. You are wondering how Midlife Mama differs from Aging Artiste. Well, maybe you aren't, but I sure am.

Aging Artiste is positive. She embraces the whole idea of an exciting second life in her later years (assuming she lives long enough to have later years). She grows in confidence. She has a more humanistic outlook than is really acceptable...not in that she doesn't have real belief in God, but in that she really does think that somewhere in this world there is fulfilment.

Midlife Mama is full of fear. She is afraid that life is passing her by, but is also afraid to really live, to trust God, to be willing to either accomplish her big grandiose plans or relinquish them, whatever He calls her to do. She is afraid to feel things, to love people, to grow, to lose. She feels the weight of this world, and begins to understand the lure of being with the Lord, living in the new Heaven and Earth. She wants rest, physical and mental. She wants to sit and know that it's okay to sit. She wants to put her baby down in the grass and know that there is no worry in that - the baby cannot get lost, cannot get hurt -  indeed "the nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den"."

I have thought a lot about what it means to be at rest, because I have never, ever experienced it. There are always the nagging background whispers, the reminders that life will always be as shifting sands beneath our feet, because there is evil in this world, and with evil comes hard times, sadness and grief. Like Joni Mitchell sings "Everything comes and goes, marked by lovers and styles of clothes. Things that you held high, and told yourself were true - are lost or changing as the days come down to you...Everything comes and goes, pleasure moves on too early, and trouble leaves too slow. Just when you're thinking you've finally got it made, bad news comes knocking at your garden gate...knocking for you." How can we rest when we know that is the truth? The blessed vision of putting your baby down and being able to drink your latte without worrying about anything happening to them came to me one morning, and it was the first time I ever got a glimpse of what eternal rest might be like. I carry so much worry in both my conscious and subconscious minds that my heart could be broken at any time, and to let go of that fear is the most restful thing I can imagine.

"It is sometimes so easy to go without writing. I have feelings, or remember things, or feel a rant coming on, and I think I should go write about it. I often sit down with a pen or at the computer, but for many months now, when I do that I feel a physical block, literally a lump in my throat or in my chest, and I might shoot off a few bland sentiments, but then I stop. I do know that I am not taking the time to push though to what Natalie Goldberg calls "First Thoughts", that which will come through after you get out all the boring crap, the whining, the censored version of what you really want to say. I have rarely gotten past that point, honestly. I am afraid of First Thoughts, and since I keep them buried my writing has never been very powerful. Then at times I admit that I have used writing about life to avoid actually living it, and I want to stop doing that. I want to live, and then I want to write what I lived. But I am actually so busy and so tired with doing life that I am not processing much. One of my big fears is that I will die before I can process it all, before I have time and energy to think about what now seems like drudgery, but will probably not seem to be in hindsight."

I just wrote this the other day, so I don't have much commentary to add.

Confuddled Enough For a Rapidwrite, Broken Into Choppy Paragraphs

I have started at least 8 blog posts in the past month, but they all remain languishing in my Drafts folder. I was trying to make the typical, if not polished, at least somewhat concise piece of verbiage that passes for good writing if the reader is not looking too closely.

While I was just lying with Baby, getting her down for the evening nap, I was looking at a book called Inner Excavation, which is a mixed-media book that focuses on photography and poetry. I have some kind of block when it comes to photography. This may stem from the fact that back in the days of film, I could never remember how to change said film no matter how often someone showed me. When I took a photography class in college everyone must have thought I had died in the darkroom when we were supposed to remove the film from the camera. I finally came out, but the film was still nestled in there, all cozy-like.

Now we have digital cameras and I don't understand settings and all that, and I am really not all that interested in learning. I am not a huge fan of photography in general. But I know it would help my artistic eye to compose photographs, I could use them as writing prompts. Since I am kinda scared of it, that probably means it's Something I Should Do. But I'd have to take lots of self-portraits if I were honest and I do not want to see how awful I would undoubtedly look in some of them. I definitely have to make peace with my aging self. It would be fun to take self-portraits dressed up like my Alter-Egos. Also scary. Big Fears.

Big Fears definitely hold me back. It is so easy for me to blame my season of life when I don't get much done in my "interest areas". But Big Fears are just as responsible as Wife and Mama Duties. They are part of the big conspiracy against me. All thrift stores are part of the same conspiracy, working together to make sure I never again find another cool yet flattering garment. I am having one of those hormonal times when you feel like you weigh 20 lbs more than you do, and change your clothes constantly in the hope that you will finally find something in which you look less than horrific. Plus, all my clothes are falling apart and/or are all stretched out from my last pregnancy.

I am so tired of being depressed and discouraged, but I feel like I am in a time loop, with the same thing (my life, basically) happening again and again and I always react with the same negative and/or fatalistic attitude instead of breaking the pattern and stopping the loop. The other day I looked up the definition of the common saying, "It Is What It Is", and it said that the phrase implies a sense of hopelessness about a situation, as opposed to the other common saying "It's All Good", in which the speaker is "trying to rise above whatever problem exists, without expressing their underlying negative emotions".

I have always had a kind of surface optimism (the companion to my surface extrovertedness), but it has often been buried under discouragement. So my motto could easily be "It Is What It Is, And It's Also All Good", because while I actually feel depressed quite a bit, and more hopeless than I used to feel about much change being possible, I never quite lose sight of my eternal hope, even though it's shrinking so far into the distance as I am led through this world.

Anne Lamott writes about the internal radio station KFKD (or WFKD, depending on where you live) which plays different content into each ear simultaneously - basically, delusions of grandeur on one side, and merciless self-deprecation on the other. I have been listening to this station for as long as I can remember, and the programming this week is an impressive line-up ready to discuss and debate my upcoming meeting with the magazine editor.

My Minion of Narcissistic Positivity keeps insisting this will be the beginning of my long and respected career as an author and art journal instructor. No doubt promotion will be starting soon for my book that is part memoir, part zine, part art journal workshop. The money will start rolling in. Interviews with me will sought by both Christian and secular media (most notably, The Utne Reader). I will be famous in a few interesting niche demographics, earn enough money to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others, but will be unrecognizable in public. My healthy radiance and fitness and middle-aged yet funky fashion sense will show through in all photographs of me. I will be the first Christian zinemaker to speak at ComicCon, and Joss Whedon, James Marsters, Juliet Landau and Amber Benson will seek me out and tell me how much they love my work, plus, they all came to faith after hearing the orthodox yet creative and culturally relevant presentation of the Gospel in my book.

The arch-nemesis of the Positivity Minion will then get the rebuttal. The Naysayer will sadly remind the audience of my poor track record in business and teaching situations in the art/craft/writing area. There will be warnings about how I can talk the talk so much better than I walk the walk, as far as being a writer, a Christian, a homeschooler, an artist. It is certain I have pulled the wool over the eyes of anyone who thinks I might have any wisdom or talent at all, in any sphere of life. And not to be rude or judgmental, but really, I look like crap. My hair is always frizzy; no matter how much I work out I am still 10 lbs overweight; and my face has this exhausted, haggard look that is only accentuated by the lines in my forehead. Photos of me that might be included with any publicity will be a visual reminder of my absolute loserhood.

Fascinating perspectives like those are available around the clock on WFKD. I wonder if you also get that station? In my area, there are welcome, yet convicting, editorial interruptions by God, asking me why I keep these idiots on my payroll.

I felt pretty crappy when I started writing this, probably because everyone was still up and my Inner Introvert was screaming for mercy. She starts screaming earlier each day, it seems. But I have been pretty much alone for about three hours. I chatted with one of my oldest friends on FB and also previewed Kelly Coffey-Meyer's newest workout. It was pleasant multi-tasking, so much nicer than the pressure-cooker multi-tasking I am always trying to do every day. I was thinking yesterday that my stress level would go down, and my contentment level up, if I just lowered my expectations of, well, everything. In my life, things seem to be either/or. Either my house is clean and neat, OR I am cooking good meals and snacks OR I am in creative mode OR the kids are in one of their rare non-unschooling periods OR I am exercising every day. Or, like now, it's (almost) None of the Above. That sorry state IS mostly baby related, and so will pass sooner rather than later. But even when I don't have a little baby, I have never been very good at having a "balanced" existence. I go through bursts of energy and enthusiasm for one area of life, and focus on that for a while. Then I move onto a different area, or I might just fall apart for a while and do nothing but read crime novels while I drink too much coffee in the corner at my own pity-parties.

I want to be able to say It Is What It Is without the hopeless undertone, because really, that's the truth about life. Wherever we are right now, is where we are. God knows we are there. We don't have to hide from Him or from ourselves, even if What Is really sucks right now, even if it sucks because of us. I don't want to wrap all this up in a neat little package. Actually, I do, but I am not going to. It is my tendency to want to put The Whole Thing Into Perspective, but it's usually indulgence in half-truths to do that. Plus, Baby is stirring, I am tired, morning comes too quickly.

In Which I Interview My Inner Feminist and My Inner Proverbs 31 Woman

Me: Good evening, and welcome to Alter-Ego Interviews. Tonight we have with us my Inner Feminist and My Inner Proverbs 31 Woman, or should I say lady, hehehe.

Fem: Ya know, C.S. Lewis had it right when he complained about how words become problematic with shifting cultural meanings. He used the word gentleman as an example - it used to be that a gentleman was someone who owned land, so, as Clive said, "one could be both a gentleman and a scoundrel". You can say that the word lady has had the same experience - if a lady is someone who, according to a few definitions, is "a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken" or "a well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior", it might not fit me very well. I am definitely not refined, and I don't mean to be inconsiderate...

Prov:...but you do tend to be tactless unless you are careful. I agree with you, though. Since this show is about our femaleness in relation to our Christian faith, I would have to say that theologically woman is probably the proper term, since it is about creation rather than behavior.

Me: Okay, "gals" (wink at audience) let me introduce you before we get into it. Wow, you have a lot in common...in fact, you seem almost identical on paper. You both came from a Jewish background, got married at 20, have 5 kids who have never been to school, are a "homemaker" without an outside job, are members of an OPC church...

Fem: We also live in the same house and even the same body. That can be challenging (friendly smirk at Prov). But really, I think we work okay together. The problems stem more from the expectations and misunderstandings of "the outside world".

Prov: That's right...we don't seem to fit in anywhere. People who are unbelievers and usually liberals, mostly have knee-jerk, angry reactions when I talk about issues like how sexual freedom has not been all the feminists assumed, especially for women. Or about how actually bearing and nursing multiple children helps prevent breast cancer - that was not received very well in a recent discussion about the Komen foundation defunding Planned Parenthood.

Fem: And I get flak from more conservative Titus 2 folks when I get into discussions about "submission"...just saying that women are not obligated to vote for the same political candidates as their husbands has raised eyebrows, and things I say have definitely sparked comments about how I am trying to "get out" of the idea of the husband's leadership.

Me: Fem, you mention politics...do you two agree or disagree on political issues?

Prov: We definitely agree in that we are apolitical - we don't vote and trust that God will raise up and bring down princes without our help. When we discuss politics, I am probably more likely to seem "conservative" because I will say that certain hot-button issues (like abortion or homosexual practice) are sins...

Fem:..and I agree with Prov about that, but I am likely to seem more truly libertarian or even liberal, on some issues (depending on who is listening to me). I really don't have a problem with, say, the secular State allowing gay marriage. I am really concerned that many, if not most, Christians totally confuse the gospel with conservative morality. And I completely disagree with more theonomic thinkers who believe that the external sins, especially the sexual sins, should be crimes. I do think that abortion should be illegal, but I struggle because I think it is hypocritical to just blame (and prosecute) abortionists when there would be no abortionists if women did not seek abortions, and honestly, I can't see prosecuting women for murder when they have abortions, because the psychological pain is already so great in many women, even women who consistently uphold "choice".

Me: So far, it sounds like you agree about most things...where do you struggle with each other?

Prov: We struggle in determining what is important to do at any given time...a well-known guiding statement in more conservative circles is Elizabeth Eliott's "Do the next thing". I am more likely to think the "next thing" should be some household chore or "experience" with the kids. I worry more about the moral and spiritual and intellectual development of the kids, of the whole family, really. I think that I need to be serving others almost all the time, and I actually feel guilty if I cannot do multiple things for others at the same time...I will feel guilty if I am cooking and the baby is crying, and my husband is doing something like listening to an audiobook - I will think I should hold the baby and cook, because it is my job to make sure my husband has rest. I definitely have more guilt than Fem. Some of this is from my Jewish background, I think (we have that martyr complex going), but most of it came from spending too many years reading books and blogs about being a "godly wife and mother".

Fem: When I think of "Do the next thing", I think I should take some time to do something OTHER than womanly tasks - not just because "I wanna", but because I see that my doing things like that rubs off on my kids, and I think writing and art and reading novels is important. I am so thrilled that my kids make things - just for fun, and also for others. I have heard Prov say that some say that when people (usually your family) see you serve, that will teach them to serve - but she thinks that what it more often does is teach them to be served. But I think that things like doing art and reading really do affect people by osmosis...they see you doing it, and they want to do it too. Maybe not the exact same things, but the process of creative work and thought - both of which are manifestations of God's image in us...and YES, we women are created in God's image in the same way men are.

Me: So, how do you feel in general about male leadership..in the home, in the church, in the public square?

Prov: We agree, believe it or not. We also think it is annoying how many people think that the idea of husbands being the leader of the home translates into women in general being subject to men in general. We have no problem with the offices of pastor and elder being held by men only...all the MEN in the church are also under their authority. I'm pretty sure it was CS Lewis who said (and I paraphrase) that we are all female before God - meaning we are the pursued, the acted-upon. And this doesn't stop God from using female images sometimes to get across something about His nature and our relationship with him - but interestingly, those images are almost exclusively images of motherhood, and even nursing babies!

Fem: My big concern is for women who really are in ugly relationships with their husbands, and who have no recourse because their elders hold to extreme ideas about patriarchy. I also hate the idea that a woman should somehow not deal with her husband's sin against her as she would with anyone - per Matthew 18. Too many people make the authority relationship paramount, when the relationship as Christian to Christian, before God, is foremost.

Me: What about women working, or holding public office, or serving in the military?

Prov: While I would not say that women, particularly wives, working outside the home is a sin, I definitely think that women are better suited to the kind of multitasking, relationally based role of homemaking and childcare. I think God made us that way - that doesn't mean homemaking and motherhood is always a big thrill...

Fem:...gotta interrupt, and say one of my BIG problems is how the books and blogs and catalogs of the "Godly Family" variety are just like every other photoshopped lie we see in modern media. We see perfectly groomed children, husbands who always seem to have enough money to take the family on road trips to homeschool conferences...don't they have to work? Not to mention that while on one hand we hear how a nagging wife is like a drippy faucet or whatever, on the other hand these perfect pictures have a real tendency to make wives discontented with their husbands - most of whom are your garden variety sinners who work all day, come home tired, are hit and miss with family devotions, and whose type of leadership doesn't quite live up to That Godly Patriarch There, the one sitting in his paneled library surrounded by his first editions of the great Puritan writings.

Prov: Back to my point...see, you are kinda inconsiderate with all this interrupting! So, while working outside the home is not a sin, the more women working outside the home translates into fewer full-time homes, which is a tragic thing. Home is definitely one of God's gifts to us, and although making one is as challenging as any other career, the benefits to people just can't be tallied. And I am not talking only homes which are always neat, from which the smell of freshly ground, freshly baked whole-wheat bread is always wafting. My home is certainly not like that! But I do believe that while the Bible absolutely does not forbid wives from working, it definitely promotes the idea that home is important, and that women are the natural makers of homes. One sad thing that has happened as women have gone to work in droves, is that they have basically taken on two full-time jobs - because lotsa women who work still come home and take care of all the stuff they would take care of if they weren't working. So much for equality and egalitarianism.

Fem: I think the whole Godly Family thing has so much allure to people who come from broken homes, especially since it is so often portrayed visually and in print as this glowing, fulfilling lifestyle - PLUS it pleases God. So. Much. I know I looked back on my life with a single mother and multiple step-parents and just wanted something stable, something that had rules and roles which encouraged stability. That subculture also promotes itself as being about purity, which was a big draw for me, since I practically learned to read from looking at the comics in Playboy...and I am only exaggerating slightly. When I was first exposed to, say, Mary Pride, I recoiled because it seemed so oppressive to women, but eventually I was really drawn to it. I was like a junk-food junkie who sees a commercial for a Big Mac and gets right into the car and drives to McDonald's like a zombie seeking brains.

Prov: Hehehehehe, Fem, that reminds me how popular the book Nourishing Traditions is in the Titus 2 subculture, with all it's organ meat recipes! Not saying it is a bad book, but thankfully serving organ meat is not a requirement for being a successful wife and mother!

Me: Before we go on, please give a quick answer to the women in political office and military question...

Prov: Well, both Fem and I are pretty much anti-war, so we are even opposed to men in the military, for the most part. But we would say that while women can be tough and even violent, war is a man's business.

Fem: As far as women in political office, since we are apolitical we really aren't concerned about the gender of senators or even presidents. We just wish more of them, male and female, would simply go home and get real jobs.

Prov: Women in political office is just an extension of the woman as homemaker question. Since I don't think the Bible implies that women in general are under the authority of men in general, and since the Bible actually commands that we be subject to those in authority in the State, if a woman is in that position, God has her there - I know one of the beliefs of the Patriarchy-type folks is that woman in leadership is a way God judges the people, based on a passage in Isaiah...

Fem: ...but I truly believe that the Bible IS to be interpreted culturally sometimes, and especially, to be understood in light of the fact that no nation is Israel, and so trying to impose that kind of structure on modern nations is theologically incorrect. Ooops, more interrupting (sheepish grin at Prov).

Me: One more hot-button question - how do you both feel about birth control? I know it is one of the main tenets of the Titus 2 mindset that God opens and closes the womb, and that trying to mess with what is "God's area" is wrong.

Prov: I totally agree that God opens and closes the womb, and I haven't used birth control since I got married, well, until a few months ago. I have tracked my cycles for years in order to conceive, not to prevent getting pregnant. Even without using birth control it took me 4 years to get pregnant with my first, and then almost 6 years to get pregnant with my second. I have taken various herbs and things to regulate my cycles, have had at least three miscarriages, and now have 5 children from 18-8 months. I know that I personally am uncomfortable with birth control, but just like the wives and jobs issue, we can see that while children are definitely a blessing in the Bible, there is no command that married couples mustn't put any thought into planning their families. But I do think that the family planning mindset has led to a lot of negative thinking about children - assuming wrongly that they are too expensive, too annoying, etc. But my husband is 50 now and has pretty much made clear that he doesn't want any more children. That makes me sad, but at the same time I am 43 and am getting very tired and taking care of this current baby has really worn me out physically. I would always be glad if I found out I was pregnant - and since I believe God DOES open and close the womb, if He has any more planned for us they will indeed make their appearance at the proper time - all I have asked my husband is that neither of us do anything permanent with our fertility...that will happen soon enough with menopause.

Fem: I'm sad at the thought of not having more babies, too...but sometimes I think I hang onto childbearing because as long as I am having babies, I am still "young" and hopefully far from the grave. I also know that babies and young children are a good excuse to not do things, things that are equally good and pleasing to God, things that each of us have unique callings to do. I definitely do not think that bearing and raising children is the only "proper" focus for women. But I do think that it (the whole process of gestating, bearing and raising children) takes a lot of time and energy so it is difficult to do other things at the same time, and really, that is how it should be. I am generally okay with the whole "seasons of life" thing, and as I get older I am seeing the natural end of this season looming ahead, so my thoughts necessarily turn to what comes after.

Me: We are running out of time here. I'm sure we have not covered everything, but to wrap it up I'd like to ask each of you to tell our audience what you see as your strengths and weaknesses in terms of your "roles" and goals. Prov, you go first.

Prov: Okay, I would say that one of my strengths is hospitality. Although it is a struggle for me to be around people all the time (the hardest part of family life by far), I think I am good at inviting people into my home, feeding them, and making them feel comfortable. I am also good at taking care of small babies. Even when I get tired, I find it really satisfying to make a baby feel safe and contented. I really enjoy that the demands of babies are so pure and stem from their real, legitimate needs, so I can meet those needs without resentment - and resentment is one of my weaknesses in terms of my role. I think it is a strength that I can really see the relationship between us and God when I am taking care of a baby...they are so demanding, so exhausting, and can literally give us nothing back intentionally...but we take care of them and love them despite this neediness. I have a lot of logistical weaknesses in my homemaker role - I struggle with time management and am often downright lazy. I struggle with all the demands of cleaning and cooking; I am not great at either one and I get easily stressed out about my performance. I definitely have more weaknesses than strengths, but one strength is that I am committed to the importance of what I do in the home and so I persevere and sometimes see glimmers of "success" in various areas.

Fem: I think one of my biggest strengths is my honesty about life. I believe that struggles, big struggles, are perfectly compatible with the Christian life and I know that I help people breathe a sigh of relief - they know they don't have it all together, and when I write honestly about how hard life is for me they appreciate knowing they are not alone. I also manage to see God working even in most of my big struggles and disappointments, and am good at honestly giving God the glory for any good thing others might see in me. I think for the most part I have learned to be a pretty good communicator with people who disagree with me, although it has taken many years to keep a naturally confrontational and offensive personality in check in those situations. I have bad tendencies towards pride and thinking people are generally idiots, and I can be short tempered for days at a time, and also inappropriately sarcastic. I know the list could go on.

Me: Well, I thank you both for joining me here on Alter-Ego Interviews. I hope we can get together again for more stimulating discussion.