tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91210019984673486912024-03-12T19:56:44.047-07:00No Spring ChickenSamanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-15085787092900449892014-12-27T13:01:00.003-08:002014-12-27T13:01:59.935-08:00This Blog Has Moved To...<a href="http://samanthablythe.com/">Samantha Blythe - Creative Memoirist</a>Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-34180700327130951902014-12-08T20:24:00.000-08:002014-12-08T20:24:34.524-08:00Operation Stress Relief - Another Post In My "Giving Up On Productivity" SeriesI had a revelation the other day. Or maybe it was an epiphany, I don't know. But it was something that seemed so obvious when It finally came to me, It being that my main focus should be lessening stress. I've known I need to do that for a while, but I still always saw relieving stress as a means to an end - basically, that if I were less stressed I would be more productive, able to get more done, etc.<br />
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At the Mockingbird Conference, <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/amyjuliabecker/2014/june/sabbath-is-not-means-to-more-productive-work.html?paging=off">David Zahl talked about the Cult of Productivity</a>, and referenced modern American advertisements and mantras that make pretty clear I am not the only one who has this problem. For example, you want to get a certain type of mattress because it will make you more ready to go, go, go the next day, not because sleeping well is an end in itself.<br />
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A good example in my life is solitude. I can survive without it, and I have for many years. But I definitely don't thrive and in fact, I now have problems functioning because of its lack. But when I get time alone my main goal is not simply solitude because it is restorative in itself. No, my main goal is to get alone so I start feverishly working on some productive thing. I think I should be able to immediately switch from the swirling mind of chaotic misery to calm and prolific creativity. Guess what? It doesn't work and then I have guilt that I didn't use my alone time "well", meaning I "should have accomplished more". I am not willing to let solitude have me and do whatever it will.<br />
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Another good example for me is food and cooking. I'm sure all seventeen of you know that food and its preparation is my arch nemesis. On the surface, I tell myself this is because I am not on top of things like meal planning and other food imperatives at which mothers are supposed to excel. So, the guilt of that adds to my stress. Then the other day, there I was, with the horrifying spectre of cooking before me, and I remembered that I needed to reduce my stress and wondered how I could do that. Sometimes ordering pizza or making some boxed stuff is the way to go, but if that happens too often it increases my stress too, because of the guilt that comes with serving crap food.<br />
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I need to back up here and say that in order to reduce my stress from the ground level, I have to accept that things like cooking and cleaning (which are mostly my responsibility, and that's fine) take a lot of time. I tell myself that art or starting a creative business or journaling is more important than food or exercise or a table that is not covered with crumbs, papers, a chess set and other accoutrements of a family who is in no way minimalist. But it obviously isn't because my stress level goes way up if I neglect these bedrock things. In some way I think I am trying to climb Maslow's pyramid too soon (not that I literally believe in self-actualization to a great extent). Yes, I have food, shelter and all those basic needs in one sense. But my belief that I (with my amazing creative depths that need to be plumbed RIGHT NOW, Dahlink) shouldn't have to spend any significant time on them hasn't led me closer to self-actualization, but rather closer to despair.<br />
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Then there is the issue of minimalism, which appeals to me in theory. But I probably have more art supplies than a real minimalist has in all his or her possessions. Plus, I always think of the minimalist style as being too, well, white and looking like Ikea, which is definitely not my style. But I do agree with the idea that we would do better to "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful". For me, beautiful ALWAYS means color, so the whole white, beige and black thing is out. And I doubt that my house will ever be super clean, as in doorframes without grimy handprints and cupboard doors without coffee splashes and baseboards without dust. But there is definitely unnecessary stuff, especially in closets. I have no problem with messes being made in the service of life, but another mess on top of the last mess on top of general clutter will be the end of me. <br />
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I remember being very, very annoyed when I read the Mitford book series and I saw that the only reason the main characters could be so available to others and so creatively prolific is that they had a full-time housekeeper and cook.<br />
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Now, back to food. My problem is not meal planning. Even though I really don't have a specific plan, there are quite a few things I know how to make and which most people say taste pretty good. But my problem is executing even a planned meal without the stress of it compelling me to stab myself rather than slice the chicken. So, I asked myself what was so stressful about it. And I answered, "It takes such a long time to prepare everything, which makes a mess in itself. Then you have those prep dishes, plus the time actually cooking, then the tension of eating a meal with a bunch of kids while already a blathering idiot from the cooking process, and then the mess left after it's all over." So, main problems are 1) Time 2) Mess 3) The actual meal and 4) Mess. <br />
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Then I asked, "How can I make this unavoidable task less stressful?" And I decided that:<br />
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1) I need to do any possible prep work - chopping veggies, peeling potatoes, grating cheese, measuring liquids, greasing pans etc. way earlier in the day, ideally before noon. Then I need to wash those dishes.<br />
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2) I need to pick a time to have dinner ready. I know a lot of you smart people already do that but since my husband has a totally unpredictable schedule it never became a habit with me. I chose 4pm and in the morning I decide when I need to start cooking with my already happily prepped ingredients to have it done by that time.<br />
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3) And this may be the controversial one. I decided that when the meal is done, I am leaving and going for a walk and letting everyone else eat. They all know to do their own dishes so when I come back I can eat and have nothing left to do but put the food away. I'm sorry, but I am not a lover of family meals because someone is always asking for something, spilling something, talking incessantly or (insert annoying behavior you can't possibly handle after a terrible experience like cooking). For you people who have loving family devotions and rousing but respectful discussions about politics and philosophy over dinner, don't judge me too harshly.<br />
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4) Any dishes that accumulate after dinner just get put into a dishpan and are easily dealt with in the morning.<br />
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This has actually worked quite well in the week or so I have been implementing it. <br />
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I am tired of always being in fight or flight mode. I didn't realize that's what it was until I watched a documentary on stress, and they said that in our culture, most of us are constantly pumping out that adrenaline which is really only made for times of danger. We do this by always being on call or in work mode, or by worrying about possible situations in which we might need to fight or take flight, but which almost never happen in real life. At my rapidly advancing age, I am becoming more concerned about how this will affect my health. Since I obviously don't have much time or mental/emotional energy to put into art and other interesting pursuits, I'd like to be alive in five years when I will have the time, instead of trying to do what I can't and dying of a heart attack or some other stress-related disease (of course, God may have my heart attack on schedule for tomorrow, but since I can't know that I'm going to assume that reducing stress will be helpful in the long term.)Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-23897497645742452862014-12-02T12:28:00.000-08:002014-12-02T12:58:06.664-08:00More Thoughts On Self-Improvement and/or Productivity, Also Television and ExerciseI was chatting with my friend <a href="http://www.literarymom.com/">Marla</a>
a few weeks ago. She is a fellow Self-Improvementista (although less
neurotic about it than me) and she put it well when she said that,
ideally, we learn to Give Up (the unhealthy, idolatrous
identity-enhancing self-improvement) without Giving Up In General
(becoming resigned in a hopeless way.) I have been playing that game of
tug o' war my whole life, with Determined-Yet-Unmerciful-Woman yanking
on one end of the rope and Gentle-Yet-Discouraged-Woman on the other
end. It's a messy sport. Both women are always muddy, bruised and
exhausted (this is not at all sexy) and neither have enough talent to
get themselves out of the minor leagues. What they both need is for Ms.
Balance to step in, take away the rope and find them a new career, but
that's unlikely since she doesn't seem to exist.<br />
<br />
The
past few weeks I haven't been doing much art, writing or creative work,
which (for a person who likes to be busy and on her feet) translates
into doing a lot of straightening up the house. I'm not a great
housekeeper even when I am working hard at it - probably because 1) it's
not a natural talent for me and 2) a lot of other people contribute to
the mess more than they contribute to it's eradication. But I also don't
function well when things are unworkably messy. One reason I get discouraged is that although doing it is on some level important to me, I don't count it as "productive" because, well, there is unfortunately no lasting product to show for it. <br />
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Since
I find dreaming and planning to be a fun activity in itself, I delude
myself into believing that more can get done in a day or a week than is
possible. I think my friend <a href="http://frommarisa.com/">Marisa</a> has it right when talks about having a rhythm to her days, and I was just reminded of a journal page I made about 6 years ago:<br />
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So
I guess the idea of rhythm is pretty natural to me too, and reading
this, it is interesting how similar the rhythm of today is to the rhythm
of six years and one child ago:<br />
<br />
1) get up, make morning cafe latte<br />
2) make breakfasts<br />
3) spend more or less time doing house maintenance<br />
4) cook lunch and/or dinner<br />
5)
fitting in more or less exercise and other personal stuff (reading,
art, TV etc.) in there as possible (with less being the norm)<br />
6) evening house maintenance<br />
7)
bedtime varying between 10pm and 1am (although that late is more rare
these days) with hopefully a bit more personal stuff to help keep my
sanity<br />
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Of course, all this is accomplished while constantly interacting with at least 5 other people at once. <br />
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The
last line of this entry is, "It's amazing to see how little I actually
"get done". I know I waste some time, but I don't know if that's the big
reason or if life is just like that."<br />
<br />
From
today's vantage point, I would have to say that life is just like that,
and what needs to change is my acceptance of that fact.<br />
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When I wrote that entry it was right when I had started watching television, after 15 years of not watching at all. I was
watching Six Feet Under for the first time, and also Dexter. I feel
like I have watched an awful lot of stuff since that time, but I don't
think it has really been all that many shows. I've watched Buffy through
three times, Angel and Dollhouse twice. SFU twice. Battlestar
Galactica. Being Human UK. Firefly. Orange is the New Black. House of
Cards. The Americans. American Horror Story. Torchwood. House. Lie To
Me. Some of Downton Abbey. Mad Men. Hannibal. Orphan Black. Some of Doctor Who. Deadwood. How to Get Away
With Murder. Now I am in the middle of Brothers and Sisters. <br />
<br />
What
I have learned is that in general I'm not a fan of procedurals like
House, which also includes the most monster-of-the weeky episodes in
Buffy. If there is not an overarching plot that ideally unfolds
throughout the whole series with a lot of character growth and
development, I eventually get bored. Nothing in my life ever gets neatly
wrapped up in 60 minutes, that's for sure. House especially suffered
from procedural-itis AND lack of significant character growth. In
Seasons 6 and 7 of House they had a real opportunity to get him past his
one dimensional self-involvement and also give us some good backstory
on both him and Cuddy, but it didn't happen.<br />
<br />
Of all
those shows, the ones that are still important to me on a heart level
are Six Feet Under, the Whedons (except Firefly) and Torchwood: Children
of Earth. Despite its sentimentality I think Brothers and Sisters will
stick with me. Although I was always gripped while I was watching it,
Dexter ultimately didn't get to me all that deeply. Battlestar Galactica
gets an honorable mention, as does Being Human UK. I think by the time it's wrapped up I might really love The Americans too. The only one I would absolutely refuse to watch again is Doctor Who.<br />
<br />
The
tale of all this sitting leads me into exercise. I went to the
chiropractor the other day and found that after a pregnancy I am still
15lbs over my happy weight and 25 lbs over my skinniest, which I reached
because of gallbladder problems. I got pregnant before I saw whether
that weight would have been sustainable. Before this last pregnancy I
exercised 5 days a week, not including walks 6-7 days a week. My eating
is not much different, but I have never gotten back into regular
exercise because this current baby has been much more into making sure I
Am Right There All The Time. So, I assume that 15lbs is there because
of becoming more sedentary, and maybe some of it is the dreaded
perimenopot. What's interesting though is that the 15lbs don't look as
bad as they did when I had some extra fluff BEFORE I got into lifting
weights - granted, that was about 15lbs more too, but I can tell that
having more developed muscles underneath the fat makes it easier to
carry without looking quite as frumpy.<br />
<br />
I do think exercise is more important to "fit in" to my daily schedule and/or rhythm than creative work, because ultimately everything I do comes through my physical body and I handle life somewhat better when I get the endorphins going.<br />
<br />
So
I don't end on that abrupt note, I'll share the only creative thing
I've done in probably two months. It's a memory game for a friend whose
son died in a car accident two years ago. My husband cut 2 inch squares
out of a game board, then I put decorative paper on one side of the
squares and photos on the other. There are 44 squares and 22 pairs, with
gold paint on all the edges. My Roku stick came in a cool box so I
covered that in the same decorative paper and put all the squares
inside:<br />
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I
know it can be used for creepy purposes, but I liked that I could grab
all the photos from my friend's FB page so it could be a surprise.<br />
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Now I'll end on that abrupt note.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-57368373397092200362014-11-03T13:06:00.001-08:002014-11-03T13:06:46.975-08:00In Which I (Once Again) Relinquish Control and Being DrivenI think this will pretty much be the exact opposite of <a href="http://nospringchickennomore.blogspot.com/2014/10/in-which-i-consider-my-money-making.html">what I wrote a few weeks ago</a>.<br />
<br />
I've written a lot over the years about My Desire To Be Rather Than Do. I understand that we are always doing something, even if it's just thinking. But when I am thinking I am usually still in doing mode - I am thinking about what I can or should do. Even going back through this blog - not to mention most of my journals over the years - it's obvious that I am always sitting in judgment on my own life. That's what being a self-improvement junkie is. It doesn't always feel negative. Every once in a while I am in a good mental place and I feel strong and I think it can only be up from there. So I make some kind of plan or goal for what I want my awesome self to accomplish. Then there are the more frequent times when I am not in a good mental place. I note all the areas of life where I am falling short, and I make a plan or goal to kick my sorry ass into shape. This, my friends, is pathetic and has also become so boring to me. And, pragmatically, it doesn't work. My self remains unimproved.<br />
<br />
The main reason I respond so strongly to the new breed of grace preachers (which for me includes, but is not limited to Tullian Tchividjian and Michael Horton) is because, finally, I am hearing something that resonates with one of my biggest struggles in life. I've been a Christian for almost 18 years and in Reformed circles for about 14, and I never understood the law until I heard these so-called antinomians. I didn't understand the unyielding force of the actual written law of God, and I didn't understand how the principle of law and our conscience translates into the pressure we all feel to prove ourselves and live up to expectations - whether those are our own, our spouse's, our culture's etc. (I think it might be related to the distinction between Francis Schaeffer's "real moral guilt" and "psychological guilt", but I think Schaeffer was talking more about how people understand/deal with their guilt feelings and/or internal pressures in a therapy-oriented universe without God.) What I first heard from Tullian that blew me away (and it is not unique to him) was that all our efforts to be and/or appear (choose one or more that apply to you):<br />
<br />
1) strong and competent<br />
2) productive<br />
3) beautiful or sexy<br />
4) successful<br />
5) intelligent<br />
6) creative<br />
7) moral or holy<br />
8) other<br />
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are really ways that we try to justify ourselves - justify in the theological sense - even when we are unaware of that dynamic. We feel the weight of law and condemnation even if we are unbelievers. It is our natural tendency as fallen creatures to work to get it right, have it all together, etc. because it is in our DNA to feel shameful and inadequate. We don't like that and so try to cover it up with some kind of personal impressiveness. That conscience - even if it is totally secular or wrapped up in some non-Christian trappings - is what will allow God to debunk people's assertions on The Last Day that they just didn't know He existed, if He had just given more evidence, well, then they would have believed.<br />
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Thankfully, I won't have to defend myself because of Christ's work for me, but one of the points of this post is that despite being actually justified by that work, I still am almost constantly on the treadmill of self-justification a.k.a. trying to get affection, respect, praise etc. from other humans in order to make my feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, abandonment etc. go away. And while externally, my Control Freakiness in regards to others has gotten way less noticeable (it still goes on pretty much unabated in my head) I am still always trying to control my own life with the aforementioned plans for greater productivity, especially in the creative area. But truthfully, right now am doing pretty well if everyone eats and the neatness of the house maintains at DEFCON 2. More art productivity is simply not happening these days, no matter how well I plan for it.<br />
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Every time I try to overly control things or micromanage my own life, eventually (and it might take a little while) it gets more chaotic. I lose control, or rather, I never had it and that becomes evident. That was another Christian "thing" that I finally understood after I saw it in my own experience (spiritual and non spiritual) - the fact that the law doesn't "work". It doesn't produce obedience. In fact, it often produces the opposite, because we naturally rebel against the law (even if only in our hearts) because we hate being told what to do. Of course, we know that Biblically, God's law is good and holy and righteous and all that, and some human law is too (and in human law I am including not only judicial stuff, but all the dos and don'ts of life) But law itself doesn't give us the desire or the power to obey it. And it's a vicious circle. We see the law, we want to obey it or do what is right, yet we experience resistance or rebellion or just failure based in weakness. Then we feel guilty and try harder, fail again and feel more guilty, and eventually we are exhausted all the time and/or we fall into utter despair and give up.<br />
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I see that dynamic at work in all my plans and self-improvement schemes, which definitely have the character of law in my mind. I also see that any time I do something that seems good or beneficial, I immediately want to make it into a new law for myself. Like, it was nice to sit outside with my book and journal and coffee in the morning, instead of using the computer. Therefore, I SHOULD ALWAYS sit outside with my book and journal instead of using the computer. Guess what that does? It makes me a big fat loser failure the first day I use the computer in the morning, and we all know that big fat loser failures are bad and no one loves them. The whole grace mindset frees us from this, both with God and with ourselves. Even if I made a bad choice today (and the computer vs. book choice is actually neutral, but we'll stick with it for continuity) that doesn't mean I am either<br />
1) destined to always make bad choices or 2) condemned or unloved from the point of this choice into eternity.<br />
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NOTE: I am absolutely not saying that it is inherently wrong to have plans or goals or quests for earthly self-improvement. I am saying that in my life, with my personal baggage, they have not been particularly helpful and have, in fact, been detrimental because I have not seen them as helpful tools for creating a life. Instead they have played into my unquenchable performance and perfectionist mindset, which (being unquenchable) will never let me turn off the water fountain. Even when it goes dry I keep turning the handle. Nothing comes out. I get carpal tunnel syndrome. I am left tired and thirsty.<br />
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Another problem for me these days is the social media tendency to think that every bit of every process needs to be "shared". I don't think that is conducive to my actually becoming a better artist or really, to help me in any way. I have never been an "accountability" type, in that it doesn't make me more likely to get something done if I have to report to someone that I did it (I'm not talking about "accountability" in being unwilling to admit my sins and failings) Supposedly that helps a lot of people, but for me it undermines my desire to do something for the sake of doing it, which is my ideal. I am also tired of the fact that so much of sharing art stuff just becomes a bunch of people saying how great one's stuff is, how talented one is etc. Believe it or not, that gets boring and it's actually embarrassing when I know that my artistic skills are actually only high beginner or low intermediate. Recently I started an art journaling group on Facebook and I asked that if anyone shared work they did, that there would be no comments about the work. That bothered people. Ever since I read about Natalie Goldberg having that rule in her writing groups, it really resonated with me. It allows you to get beyond the need for praise, which frees you to tell the truth and/or accept that some of your work is crap.<br />
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I noticed my mind was much quieter during the month I was mostly offline. I don't think that's a coincidence. I wasn't bombarded with other people's opinions or attempts at self-justification and I had one less outlet for my own. <br />
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All this boils down to the feeling that I need to relinquish all my identity-enhancers. This feeling has actually been boiling for so long that it is totally burned onto the pan. I may need to throw the pan away, although I might have time to scrub it if I spend less time enhancing my identity. To show you how many YEARS it has been boiling, I give you this article from my zine from 2007. No doubt the 17 readers of this blog will find it all too familiar:<br />
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Lately I have reminded myself of Abraham, scrambling in his own bumbling way to bring about God's promise. And what does he get? Basically a pissed off wife and the realization that it's stupid to try and force God's hand. <br />
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One thing that has stuck with me from the reading I did in my early Christian life is how in the first stages of the L'Abri ministry, the Schaeffers never made their financial needs known. They determined whether God wanted something to be done by whether He provided the resources for it without their seeking donations. Sure enough, time after time they would receive unsolicited checks from their many friends and supporters. This is not a hint for you to send me a check. It is a reminder to myself that if I'm supposed to do something like sell handmade books, make art journaling workshops, and all those things I say I want to do and yet struggle to actually accomplish - at some point I will have the energy and the opportunity to do it. I won't have to move heaven and earth to make the time or feel insanity coming on because I am trying to multi-multi-task. I won't find myself getting angry because my need for creative expression is being hindered by others. When I feel driven to produce, or am working/doing/acting in a way to justify myself, the fruit of the spirit are in short supply. I know there is a correlation there. <br />
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<br />Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-20753169021287399472014-10-12T19:33:00.001-07:002014-10-12T19:34:40.273-07:00In Which I Consider My Money-Making Options<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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Zines Over The Years</h2>
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I know it's time for me to start making some money with my knowledge and/or talent in the creative arena. I have spent so much on art supplies over the years, including instructional books of every kind, and I have definitely learned a lot and produced quite a bit of stuff...but I still wouldn't consider myself an accomplished artist in any medium, except, probably, the zine. I do consider myself somewhat an expert in zine publishing. That doesn't mean that I think I make some of the best zines ever content-wise or layout-wise, just that I have done it for a long time and therefore have insight into the whole process. But I don't know if people are interested enough in producing zines themselves to make it worthwhile to create an online zinemaking workshop. I am drawn to producing online classes because they are work up front, but the work ends and you at least have a finished product that does not need to be replenished, like an etsy store or something. But whether I offered zinemaking or art journaling or simple bookbinding workshops, there is still a learning curve for me in that area - meaning I hardly know how to press the record button on the camera and know less than nothing about putting videos together. </div>
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My Most Likely First Product - Handmade Books</h2>
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So, while I do want to include workshops (both online and in-person)
in my eventual repertoire of money-making activities, those irons are
still heating up in the fire and not ready to flatten anything out yet.
Which means that I need to return to handmade products, which stresses
me out. Of course this whole idea of me in the marketplace stresses me
out, but making products is something I have done in the past and I
don't know whether I would be any better facing the challenges of doing <span style="background-color: orange;"></span>that than I used to be - meaning, it was not a success when I have done it before. I did have people order things from me sometimes, but I never kept anything "in stock" and so I always had to run around like a chicken without a head to get the things made and mailed. Sometimes I got it done fast, but other times I didn't and so the people had to wait way too long for their stuff, which is not good business.<br />
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Brochures From My Previous Cottage Industries</h2>
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I used to really like the whole "branding" process of coming up with a new cottage industry and making business cards, brochures etc. But that was the only part I was good at. Following through on my goods and/or services was always more difficult. Now I am resistant to doing any kind of business planning and branding because I equate it with my past failures in the actual running of the business. I have become overly cautious where in the past I was not cautious enough. I was setting up a website the other night because if all goes as planned, something I wrote will be published at a highly traveled Christian site, and I guess people need somewhere to "click" into from whatever little biographical blurb there is. And I really do think it would be missing an opportunity to not have some stuff available if there will be people who are somewhat likely to see it. But I am almost frozen in my proverbial tracks with resistance. Yes, I know the only way to beat resistance is to work through it, but I also know that this particular resistance was birthed in the soil of a depleted Personal Integrity Account. </div>
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The PIA is a concept of Stephen Covey's that I have found to be true in my own life - just like relationships with others, we have a relationship with ourselves that we often (rightly or wrongly) see like a bank account. When we, for example, tell ourselves we are going to do something important to us and we actually DO IT, we make a deposit into the PIA, which makes us feel good and safe and willing to try other, maybe more risky things. If we make too many withdrawals from our own account, we don't trust ourselves and so are not as willing to take on new projects. I know that over the years I have learned things from my past market failures that will help me to avoid future market failures...but my youthful indiscretions with a frequently overdrawn PIA make me question whether I should even try again.<br />
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But I know I will try again because I always do. Unless, of course, I die of ebola before I get to it, which is probably still unlikely but more possible since the little pathogen is only about 20 miles from me (though if I were<br />
dying<br />
I would still regret<br />
not doing this stuff)<br />
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Maybe Little Faudiglianis...</h3>
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...Behind A Window Like This</h3>
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One of my problems, though, is indecision about exactly what products to offer. Eventually I want to have a bookbinding kit, but that's honestly still in the early planning stages. The most logical thing for me to quickly stock a storefront with is handmade journals, but I know I have to avoid a severe assembly-line approach, as that was one of my downfalls in the past. I also want to somehow include my own art in some of them. I really want to do a lot of little paintings and bill them humorously as My Early Work, and I think some version of this small journal</div>
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with an art card inside might fit the bill for that (made of pasta boxes with little plastic windows and so has the added green benefit of being recycled.)</div>
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Me and the Baby Who Will Eventually Leave Me Alone</h3>
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I look at handmade books on etsy and stuff, and I think that some of my book designs are pretty unusual and/or aesthetically pleasing. I think that if people who buy homemade journals knew about my homemade journals, at least some would be purchased. But the whole marketing aspect of the thing is intimidating. But I can also see myself getting lost in "learning marketing" and once again not paying enough attention to producing the product. It's like a little tug-of-war between my inner middle manager and my inner factory worker. It's also just so much easier and fun to plan, and then instead of actually doing the work the plan requires, live in an alternate dimension in my head where I have this successful business (but I never really develop one in the real world due at least partly to fear and/or laziness). That's kinda what I have been doing for the past 20 years or so, but even apart from the ebola problem, I really don't have another 20 years to fritter away, and very soon I won't be able to get away with the "I have a baby who won't leave me alone" excuse.</div>
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But the fact also remains that while I do want to have a successful cottage industry (and I believe my definition of success is pretty modest), I am also bound and determined not to fall into I'm A Failure mode or define My Very Worth As A Human Being by success or lack thereof. I really don't have much of a desire to make a name for myself these days, which also plays into my reluctance to brand. I used to love to label myself and at one point would have enjoyed passing out a business card with my name and some long label like Christian Voluntaryist Zinemaking Memoirist Painter. I would have taken that very seriously. Those labels are still accurate as far as that goes, but I don't have the kind of interest I once did in Being Known As This Type Of Very Cool Individual. At this point in my life I really would just like to earn some money and get people to keep and/or start appreciating art, memoir and things made and/or written by hand - not necessarily by my hand and especially by their own hand, perhaps with my help and/or encouragement.</div>
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With that disclaimer, let's see if I can stock an etsy shop by the end of the year.</div>
Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-44646744061285170572014-09-01T09:09:00.000-07:002014-09-01T09:09:12.676-07:00Spillwrite In Preparation For Taking A Month OfflineI don't know how much (or rather how little) time I have spent disconnected from the internet since I first got connected back in 1997. There have been a few times when we had a computer in the shop or something, but I doubt I've been offline for six months total in those seventeen years. I want to see if I am a lot more focused in the actual world if I spend less time in the virtual world (and I don't even think I spend an excessive amount of time online). I am wondering if my very brain is more fragmented because I know I always have the option to just "pop onto the internetz". In September I am going to work on growing some new neural pathways or restoring old ones by being mostly offline for the month. I'll chat with you on my phone if you miss me, but apart from adding content to my Art Journaling FB page, I won't be hanging out anywhere online; I won't be getting involved in discussions about whether Christians can (or rather may) smoke marijuana or be soldiers or whether there would be a creative renaissance if there were separation of School and State. I don't think that the internet is the ultimate cause of my focus problems, though - it just exacerbates and/or highlights the already colander-like state of my brain that has developed over the years of childrearing, which itself is exacerbated by my overly active and neurotic psychological makeup.<br />
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There are a few important things I have left undone in the past year which have been weighing on me, and so getting them out of the way will make my stylish yet affordable I'm A Failure backpack that much lighter. I am going to attempt to do a 30 Days Art Journal AND a Thirty Days Zine - the zine will necessitate using my desktop publishing program with a few short jaunts online for images. Those are both more tactile and truly recreational and, dare I say, "centering" activities for me, and I need to get myself re-centered and integrated or defragmented or whatever. I have been struggling with a lot of depression and discouragement lately, and I just can't find the hope springs eternal thing that used to reside under just a thin layer of cynicism. I would say that I am having an actual crisis of faith, which has only happened once before in all my years of being a Christian - and the first one was much milder. I don't expect I will ever be an apostate, but sometimes I'm concerned I might have a little bit of heretic in me. I am still working through a bunch of stuff related to my time in the Biblical Womanhood camp, because externally I still live the exact same life. In some ways I miss and want to restore a lot of what I was during that time, but simultaneously, I often feel like I am experiencing the kind of malaise that was described in The Feminine Mystique. <br /><br />I know that mentally, I am trying to "have it all" in the 70s feminist sort of way - although I don't actually leave the homestead for a job, my desire is pulled between wanting to be a super focused and dedicated mother and wanting to spend hours writing or painting in my art studio every day, untethered to motherly responsibilities. That pretty much means that both art and mothering are shortchanged, which ramps up the volume on one of the long- running monologues in my head, the one that nags at me about my seeming lack of "productivity" in those areas (when in fact <a href="https://www.facebook.com/artjournalmama/media_set?set=a.10153002376690015.1073741827.542985014&type=3">I have been quite productive in those areas over the years</a>). So, the voice is a liar, and I think that, ironically, getting it to shut up will entail letting go of the need to be productive while also practicing focus in order to accomplish things.<br /><br />I have a few different ways I want to try to focus during September...setting a timer for 20 or 30 minutes so I know a task will not last forever...thinking of myself as "at-work" in mother/homemaker mode from maybe 12-5...even (gasp) STOPPING and doing NOTHING when I am feeling overwhelmed...and most importantly keeping at the forefront of my mind the idea of Make Positive Effort For The Good. That allows for spontaneity in my life (which I need because I am easily bored and get rebellious if I feel constricted by a schedule) while still giving me some kind of guideline to follow when I am at a loss as to where my focus should be at any given time, and which encompasses even teeny tiny steps.<br />
<br />Anyway, you will see me online if you are in my Art Journaling/Bookbinding FB group, and you can send me FB messages if you want to get in touch with me this month, and you can get the Thirty Day Zine in October if you are interested to hear my inner ramblings about this experiment.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-32963713927986029702014-04-11T15:33:00.000-07:002014-04-11T15:33:06.941-07:00On Living More Zen-ishlyI want to be Zen. Probably not real Zen, since I don't know all that much about it, but my conception of Zen. Which is pretty much the polar opposite of the real me. I'm not scared of Zen as a Christian, like it is something that will pull me away from faith in Christ. I know that the aspects of Zen I am drawn to are consistent with what we hear in the Bible. There are all kinds of "shoulds" in the New Testament, telling us how people who believe the gospel ought to act, or rather will act more and more as they grow in faith. Those things are summarized in a way I can easily digest in the statement Make Positive Effort For The Good.<br />
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In Natalie Goldberg's book Writing Down The Bones, she talks a lot about Katagiri Roshi, her teacher in Zen. She would moan and complain to him more than you would expect a zen student to do (and as a fellow Jew, I can relate), and once when she was depressed and miserable he simply told her to make positive effort for the good. I like that statement because it encompasses all the Biblical commands while also 1) helping to decide exactly what the heck you should do right now when there are probably many choices and 2) acknowledging that sometimes positive effort might be a very small thing, which helps when you tend towards depression, some kind of physical limitation or live with a lot of children. When you consider in each moment what action would be a positive effort for the good, you might choose to read to the child who has been pestering you to read, you might fold laundry, or you might make coffee and sit for 10 minutes in silence while you drink it - that counts because it is a positive effort for the good to avoid being put in the padded room.<br />
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I think this idea also assumes the practice of mindfulness, which is paying attention to the present moment and not judging it. That includes the stuff going on inside. In both the self-help culture and the Christian culture, there is this inability to have compassion for ourselves and others because we are always judging everything and everyone in comparison to some lofty ideal. Some people think acceptance means giving in to mediocrity or compromising your ideals. Ideals are good, but in practice they are always unattainable because we live in a fallen world and as you approach them, they always recede into the distance. Even if you are the type who has huge Radical-like goals for your life and a lot of physical energy, you are still only a finite person in the present moment - and in addition to eradicating the slave trade in your lifetime you also likely have to eat, do some kind of necessary work and/or interact with family and occasionally stay in bed with the stomach flu. Mindfulness is being where you are right now, feeling what you are feeling right now, accepting what you can do right now and not seeing the present moment as an enemy to be defeated so you can get on with whatever it is you would rather be doing or should be doing or would rather be feeling.<br />
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Here is an example from my own life. I always have a lot to do. I have all the household chores, all the childrearing with everything that entails, creative projects I want to work on. In addition to that, I am a naturally internal person, a thinker and someone with a lot of emotional baggage. When I look at any given moment, do I usually just make a positive effort for the good, no matter how small? No, I get swept away by my thoughts and emotions, which sometimes prevents me from doing anything, but most often just makes whatever I choose to do harder. Believe me, washing the dishes is a lot more pleasant if you just wash the dishes instead of washing them while beating yourself up about past failures, imagining future tragedies or personal glories or resenting people who should be doing the dishes instead of you. Of course, we all have thoughts and emotions constantly, but when you are mindful you are simply observing them along with whatever else is going on. So you simply become a person who is washing dishes and also having frustrated or resentful or sorrowful feelings. You accept that and don't turn it into an occasion to bash anyone (yourself included) OR an occasion to abandon the dishes.<br />
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I think the idea of accepting even the rocky and/or murky and/or downright horrifying parts of our inner landscape makes a lot of Christians uncomfortable. We don't want to admit what a mess we actually are. Or we think that accepting something means we are satisfied with it. But it really fits right in with taking God's word at face value, His word that tells us we absolutely cannot make the trek out of that dangerous and ugly place unless someone takes us by the hand and leads us out. Mindfulness, rather than being a kind of apathy, allows you to have clarity about things so you can determine how, practically, you can make positive effort towards the good in all of life.<br />
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I recently heard Pastor Tullian say that we need to look at the imperatives in the Bible (basically, God's law...how we should act, think, etc.) through the lens of the Great Indicative - the fact that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It's only when we do this that we can freely work to make positive effort for the good, because it allows us to stop obsessing over How We Are Doing - a favorite pastime for most of us, and one so time-consuming and discouraging that we don't usually have time or eneergy for anything else.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-28784220551098607582013-12-18T18:34:00.000-08:002013-12-18T18:37:31.777-08:00Christians Are The New Idiots?Okay, I know I a lot of my Christian friends probably think I push the envelope of Christian propriety because I watch what can only be called "gritty" television. My most recent foray into the land of fictionalized fallen humanity is the Netflix original series <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_Is_the_New_Black">Orange Is The New Black</a>. It is based on the memoir of a nice, upper-middle class woman who finds herself in a women's prison for transporting drug money. It has all the features you might expect - sex between inmates, semi-coercive sex between inmates and prison employees, strong language and the requisite Crazy Christian. And she’s what I want to talk about. Or rather, I want to talk about why it is so difficult to find a media portrayal of either 1) a normal Christian or 2) actual Christian beliefs.<br />
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The Christian in the show is a meth addict who is in the prison because she killed someone at an abortion clinic - not because she was protesting abortion, but because while she was having one, a clinic employee “disrespected” her by commenting that she had been there five times already. She was not a Christian at this time. You know when she “became” a Christian? When a “Christian” law firm approached her and wanted to take on her case, because now she had all kinds of “Christian” fans who thought she was “defending the unborn” with her rifle.<br />
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Once she is in the prison she is constantly going on about the evil lesbians everywhere and telling everyone that she is God’s prophet and surrounding herself with a bunch of minions who play along with her so-called healing powers. You won’t be surprised to learn that she is not all that popular, nor does she ever proclaim anything resembling the actual gospel. The main character, Piper, somehow gets on our prophet's bad side (not hard to do) and in order to make peace, she says a prayer that satisfies the Crazy Christian enough to think Piper now warrants baptism. So, they clean out the muck sink in the laundry room to use for dunkin' the former evil sinner right into God’s Kingdom. When the attractive blonde sees the murky waters of her salvation, she backs out and finally shares what she really thinks.<br />
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<b>Piper:</b> I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes. I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell, I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that. I mean, don't you?<br />
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<b>Crazy Christian’s Minion:</b> The angel thing does seem kind of desperate.<br />
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<b>Crazy Christian:</b> I thought you was a Christian.<br />
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<b>Minion:</b> I am, but I got some questions.<br />
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<b>Piper:</b> Look, I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't. Feelings aren't enough. I need it to be real.<br />
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In all my years as a Christian, I have never met another believer who 1) thought shooting abortion providers was “doing God’s work” 2) called themselves a prophet and/or 3) thought they had healing powers. But I have talked to numerous non-believers who do equate Christianity with these doctrinally unsound fringe elements and absolutely do not know what the gospel is. They do ask important questions like, well, why do people get whacked with machetes if God is supposed to be good. But why haven’t they heard that our faith is not based on feelings? Who told them dead children become angels? Why don’t they know that people get cancer because we live in a fallen world full of fallen people, and so we can all expect to eventually receive that paycheck - the wages of sin, which is death.<br />
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There are so many problems with both the Crazy Christian character and Piper’s understanding of the Christian faith. Are Christians really portraying the gospel as something it isn’t, or are non-Christian creatives suppressing the truth in unrighteousness (Romans 1). I suspect it is a combination of both. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ben-stevens/the-gospel-according-to-christopher_b_2231094.html">Someone doesn’t have to believe in the Christian doctrine to present it correctly</a> - well-known atheist Christopher Hitchens proves that. It’s disappointing (but not surprising, I suppose) that people who can produce an otherwise thoughtful show would fall into depicting caricature Christians (and this is not the only one to do so). But shame on us if we are lending ourselves to being caricatured.<br />
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What is the reason for the hope that is in you? How would you answer Piper?Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-80216968415347025202013-07-03T16:54:00.000-07:002014-06-11T16:12:54.968-07:00Learning to Focus and Work "Little and Often"I have been spending a lot of time at the <a href="http://www.sustainablycreative.com/a-good-place-to-start/">Sustainably Creative</a> site. the proprietor is a man about my age who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and so obviously has a lot of fatigue and other symtoms which translates into not a lot of energy. He has courses and podcasts and short ebooks about learning to fit creative creative work into a life with the kind of physical limitations he has. I don't have any kind of physical issues, unless you count Brain Cell Depletion Caused By Five Children Who Have Never Been To School, but I do have limited time and energy because I have a lot of people who need to be fed and listened to and a lot of messes that need to be cleaned up and a lot of keeping-it-togethering I have to do as an introvert living a life better suited to extroversion.<br />
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My last post here was a run-down of all the stuff I like doing and want to have time for, but what I tend to do is wait for the big chunks of time to come along to do any work, and instead spend the small bits of time being resentful about how rarely that happens instead of just doing some little thing during those brief moments. I also realized recently that my ability to focus is pretty much shot. That is caused by a combination of my life circumstances (which have not allowed me to finish more than 20 thoughts in as many years) and all the voluntary distractions that most of us struggle with, especially in this age of instant communication and unending topics that need to be explored right now via the search engine of your choice. See, as I write this I am reminded that a friend mentioned a new search engine to me yesterday, and my first inclination is to just open another tab and real quick-like look that baby up. But I have a timer set here for 20 minutes (the amount of time Mr. Nobbs recommends for short focused working) and by golly, I am not going to follow the little bluebird of distraction.<br />
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When I had only one kid and was still involved in the whole Perfect Wife and Mother and Homeschooler Club, I had the Managers Of Their Homes book. This is a system made for large homeschooling families that teaches you to break your day into 20-minute blocks of time so you can Fit It All In. That sucked. It was just another way to overplan and overschedule and it made me depressed. I am way more into Mr. Nobbs' thought process, that it's okay to just have one thing to do each day, even just one 20 minute block of focused time working not on what needs to be done or should be done, but on what Your Important Work is, as defined by you. Since I am not as limited in my energy as he is, I think I could probably fit in more than one 20 minute period most days - but there are days when I couldn't even do that. He is also big on self-compassion and self-care, another idea I have been drawn to over the past few years, as I have been learning to toss aside my whole lifetime of unreachable personal expectations and tendencies toward constant self-improvement and productivity. I am tired and worn out from all that and I don't want to and can't keep it up mentally or physically anymore.<br />
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<b>Second 20 Minutes Begins</b><br />
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Mr. Nobbs reminds us that working "little and often" can add up to a lot of completed work over the years. I think I might get brave and make a video tour of all the work I have after 20 years of working. I admit that my style of work has alternated between the little and often and the rare binge...but either way, whether I am working consistently for a while or have a 3-week binge of work, I have never made a "habit" of doing my creative work and I still have proof that always going back to it gets results. In a way, Mr. Nobbs' stuff reminds me of an artist's version of Stephen Covey's first 3 habits:<br />
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1) Be Proactive<br />
2) Begin With The End In Mind and<br />
3) Put First Things First.<br />
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In fact he uses the illustration of the jar with rocks that Mr. Covey uses in his book<br />
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...the point being that if you want to get big rocks into a jar (the jar being your life, I suppose) you have to put them in first...before all the pebbles and sand.<br />
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Unfortunately, most of us have filled up our Jar of Life with the little rocks, and even if they are the pretty polished ones they are not all that satisfying after a while if they are just busywork, or even if they represent good important work that should be done, but not necessarily by you.<br />
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I do know that a lot of my anxiety and depression stems from my inability to focus (not necessarily on art stuff either...I don't even want to start doing ANYTHING most of the time because the inevitable distractions depress me before they even happen) and also from all the stupid pebbles that are in my jar. And I am not even a busy person by American Mother Standards. I want to dump out the jar and put some of the big rocks in. <br />
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<b>Third 20 Minutes Begins</b><br />
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One of the things that really resonates with me at the Sustainably Creative site is the idea that rest is important for healing. For the past several months I have been thinking, "I need a vacation", but that didn't seem to really get across what I was feeling. But in the last few weeks, even before I found that site, I was starting to understand my situation as a need for healing. Healing from all the pressure I have always put on myself, healing for my tired mind and body. I am a person who honestly does not know how to relax. I am 44 years old, and I doubt if I have truly relaxed for 44 hours during those years. That is why I have always loved to sleep, because that is the only time that I actually stop and don't do anything but, well, exist. And hopefully have interesting dreams. You can understand why I fell in mad love with the television a few years ago, because I discovered that it was True Relaxation that came with Intellectual Stimulation (meaning I could totally rest while I was watching, but it still gave me food for thought afterwards).<br />
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Another thing that I am guilty of doing - which gets in the way of both resting and working in a truly productive way - is unnecessary planning and/or "getting things ready" to work. I am not talking about things like mise en place while you are cooking, but rather deciding to straighten up the art supplies instead of using them during the precious half-hour the kids are out in the pool. Mr. Nobbs talks about how important it is to make sure that your setup for working is conducive to just jumping in. I think that my work area usually is ready to use, but what is that inner THING that whispers, "You can start after you have done this small thing that appears to be related to the real task but actually isn't."? Not sure if that is fear of failure or what. I know that it's pretty much a universal situation we artistic types deal with. But then there is the very real need to not work sometimes...either you really have no energy or you are in a percolating period. It's can be hard to discern if you are getting all procrastinate-y in the bad sense, or whether your subconscious mind is being productive for you, ruminating on recent experiences, ideas, etc. with the full intention of making them available to you as creative fodder at some point.<br />
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I am not thinking that I will necessarily be able to regularly finish things in 20 minutes, although an<a href="http://grittyjanes20minpaintings.wordpress.com/"> awesome artist</a> recently started a 20-minute painting project and those look great. But there are some things I could finish in 20 minutes. In fact, for the past few weeks I have been setting the time for 20 minutes when I start anything, even something annoying like kitchen work, because when I focus and just work through that time, even if I hate what I am doing I know I can manage to do it for 20 measly minutes, plus I am usually surprised by how much I got done in 20 minutes.<br />
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My problem with this short focus period idea is that I have a lot of things I want to do and I never know if I should pick one and work on it (even in these 20 minute snatches of time) until it's completed, or whether I should (gasp) PLAN to do art journaling one week, painting the next, zinemaking the next, etc. I don't want to spend any of the 20 minutes deciding what to do. Of course, even if I have a plan I am always free to ditch it and work on another thing. But I am serious, this kind of question about something can literally paralyze me so I don't do anything at all. The main reason I didn't continue the Bible copywork project I started years ago was because I did not know how I would bind the work, whether I should work on individual sheets and store them in a box, etc. I just stopped because of that little problem and have never started it up again. I know I do need to take some time (20 minutes here and there, hahaha) to consider the big picture and how the projects I want to eventually complete can break down into small steps that won't make the itty bitty 20 minutes cower in fear and despair under the huge looming shadow the project casts.<br />
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Mr. Nobbs also talks about the importance of making your intention public, and I am not so sure how I feel about that one. There was a time, back when I was a prolific blogger, when I would do that regularly. Sometimes it helped keep me motivated and sometimes I ditched whatever it was and I was left eating my words, which are sometimes tasty and can be nutritious if I allow my consumption of them to teach me something. In her book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260">Refuse To Choose</a> (which goes well with these other ideas) Barbara Sher debunks the notion that it is somehow bad to start something and not finish it. That is practically an American mantra, that to quit something is to fail. It can be a negative thing if you quit something you truly enjoy to avoid hard work or because you are discouraged with being a beginner, but if you have started doing something and you have learned what you wanted to learn, or decided that the activity really doesn't interest you, or it does interest you but you don't have time for it...why spend the minutes of your life finishing something that serves no purpose for you?<br />
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Wow. I had four 20-minute periods to work with today. Cool.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-72323591639524556322013-04-20T18:39:00.002-07:002013-04-20T19:29:38.726-07:00I Only Blog When My Mind Is More Chaotic Than Usual<b>There once was a mind so chaotic.</b><br />
<b>At times it seemed almost despotic!</b><br />
<b>So a purge it did seek, with the freewrite technique,</b><br />
<b>Which prevented it turning psychotic.</b><br />
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Thankfully, the chaos is not combined with nasty hormonal moodiness. Although it might be if I take more than a few days to finish this post, and we absolutely want to avoid mixing the two. Bad hormones plus an overloaded mind is my middle-class American equivalent of a Whedonesque-type scenario like unintentionally transporting yourself into a demon dimension because you stupidly read aloud the Sanscrit writing on that old amulet you found at a yard sale. The current cranial pandemonium is caused by the horde of ideas and projects that long ago applied for visas into the outside world, but have been kept waiting like folks in a bread line in the former Soviet Union. They are getting impatient. They are getting pissed. In fact, they are about to riot. As a benevolent dictator, I do want to prevent that. But also, since I am a dictator, they cannot leave without my permission. Herein is my proclamation that will set them free. Go forth, Ideas and Projects! Affect the world in a positive way! Make money! Inspire people! Get OUT of my freaking head! Okay, after all that drama you might be wondering what these ideas and projects are. You may know (if you have slogged through my thoughts for any length of time) that I am absolutely terrified of goal-setting, or making resolutions, or trying to plan any kind of scheduled time to do anything. You may also know that despite that fear, I am a total self-improvement junkie. I realize that's kinda oxymoronic. But I must make a disclaimer and say that this is absolutely Not a Manifesto About What I Will Do and When I Will Do It and When It Will Be Done. This is simply giving freedom to the Mindstuff, and if/how it eventually manifests itself in the tangible realm remains to be seen. <br />
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As always, the Mindstuff consists of things I want to do/accomplish either soon or eventually, but about which I either procrastinate and/or literally have only a small amount of time for at this stage of my life. Sometimes I am surprised at how much art, writing, etc. I have actually produced over the past 20 years, because I have never been any better at time management than I am now. Even when I had fewer kids and fewer other grownup responsibilities I still wasted time and allowed fear to distract me. Now I'm more afraid that I will drop dead before I can do the things I really want to do. But I think that God might have finally given me the make-a-craft gift set that will bring into focus the para-domestic side of my life. Shall we open the box and see what it contains?<br />
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Paper, lots of different kinds<br />
Computer<br />
Paint, pencils, inks and related art supplies <br />
Books to cut up or scan from<br />
Cutting tools, stapler, needles, embroidery floss, ribbon<br />
Instructional books<br />
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Insert reads: Hours of Creative Fun!!! Just add words of all kinds, psychological angst, spiritual meanderings and self-deprecating and sarcastic humor.<br />
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Hey, this is the same type of stuff I have been using for almost 20 years! But hopefully since it is the God Stuff and not some cheap Dick Blick knockoff, it will have some kind of irresistible power over me.<br />
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Given these supplies, I see that I am supposed to keep making zines, hand-binding books, doing art journaling and learning how to paint...and I sense that I am supposed to add in teaching workshops and writing at least one book. But let's be honest, for most of my life I have been a dabbler and spent a lot more time reading about these very hands-on things than actually practicing them. I hate to say it, but I believe I need to make myself some kind of course of study (for lack of a better term) mostly on the art end of things. My Rebel-O-Meter is beeping like crazy just thinking about it. But there is no way I am going to learn how to, say, mix colors without actually doing the exercises in the color book. Zine making is really the only thing on my list that I think I have "down", as far as being technically competent.<br />
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Note: We have entered the demon dimension to which I alluded in the first paragraph. <b>Abandon hope of avoiding snark, all ye who enter here.</b> Actually, my late-evening latte and the fact that Husband has removed all children from the vicinity may allow me to remain in the not-so-evil antechamber long enough to finish this in a more or less pleasant fashion.<br />
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So, onto my thoughts about what a smart person would do to improve in these areas, while not at all assuming I am a smart person. I set no actual goals. When I write like this, to focus or clarify things in my mind, it is probably more like I am using the very new-age concept of <a href="http://ryuc.info/common/creation_process/to_set_an_intention.htm">setting an intention</a>, without the new-age gobbledygook. I remind myself what is important to me so that I can have an idea of what to do when it is time to "do the next thing". I have a tendency to be scattered, in case you haven't realized that yet. Remember, if any of this gets done in 2013, it is a victory. Also remember that most of this will not be new to any of the uh, 15 or so people who read this blog.<br />
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<b>Zinemaking:</b> I have not made a zine since 2007 (the 100 page extravaganza Eclectic Domestic/Bohemian Housewife, which will hopefully appear in digital format this year sometime). Six years is a long time to go between zines, and I have started working on one a few times, but I always gave up. I originally thought my next one would have the same title as this blog, No Spring Chicken. But that is the name for my Midlife-Crisis Self, who thankfully appears to have left the building. I am now Midlife Mama, who is much less miserable than that chicken person. But I just couldn't nail down any kind of focus for a zine, which was stressing me out. But then I realized that it's my zine and it doesn't have to have a focus besides well, me and what I want to put in it at any given moment. So I made a cover with the title Midlife Mama Presents: No Rhyme or Reason. That means it will be a good format to chronicle/practice all the stuff that I am trying to integrate into my life at this time.I want to include some things that scare me, like at least one comic and some self-portraits that are less-than-flattering. I also want to include some handmade mixed-media thing, probably some handpainted tag journal books or something.</div>
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I have a friend who is also a zinemaker (so grateful I found her!!!!!) and she feels the same way I do about the importance of keeping paper alive in this age of Digital Everything. So, we are going to start a zine distro (distribution site) to promote zines made by Christians. If hers and mine are the only ones that are ever on there, so be it. But we both hope to start infecting people with a virus whose main symptom is an unquenchable desire to create personal publications on paper, or PPP. There is no known cure once you are infected, but it is not easily transmittable, so we have our work cut out for us if we want the infection to spread. I published a How-To-Make-A-Zine zine a few years ago, and I think I will probably make a revised and expanded edition which can be distributed with the virus inside, bwahahahahahaahahah! The joys of being a mad scientist!!!!!<br />
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<b>Art Journaling Workshops/Book: </b>This is not the same project exactly, but I need to take a lot of the same steps to prepare. I have sooooooo many books dedicated to bookmaking, art journaling, written journaling exercises, etc. I want to go through all those books and choose projects or techniques that appeal to me and play with them until I can do them well...then I can branch out and change them up, and determine which ones I want to use for "exercises" when teaching. I think I may make a bound book with two or three of <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=9&cad=rja&ved=0CFcQtwIwCA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D1z6qmXGRrsE&ei=7HVvUdnnM8PWygHEuYHYAQ&usg=AFQjCNFQareYQaHuOaNI5YHkPvKC4QSoVw&sig2=r1OxR7l0-vnuSjkaCtma1Q&bvm=bv.45368065,d.aWc">these signatures</a> to use for experiments, and if I like it I will send it to Art Journaling Magazine. I will need to not be attached to the book to mail it off - even though they send your work back to you, it can take up to a year and well, who knows what might happen.<br />
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When I teach workshops I want to inspire people to make art without fear and judgment, and also to engage with their own lives in that same way. Any kind of "techniques" or art instruction I might give would be secondary.<br />
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There are very few art journalers featured in books or magazines who don't seem to be constantly Focusing On The Positive. You know, pages created around your favorite inspirational word or quote, etc. That gets old and boring to me - maybe because my life has certainly not been one long inspirational quote.<br />
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I do use them occasionally, though: </div>
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But I lean more towards what I consider to be non-nihilistic pessimism: <br />
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Most of the time I avoid quotes anyway, and just let it all out in my stream-of-consciousness non-legible way:</div>
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My point is not to bash optimism or encourage people to give up trying to find inspiration in an often non-inspirational world...I don't really have a point except to say that I want people who have only seen the cute kittens type of art journaling to know that it is perfectly fine if your personal journaling animal is more scaly than fluffy and has disgustingly bad breath.</div>
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I also want my zine to contain a 4 or 8 page mini-prototype of My Future Book which can also be used as a workshop handout. I can't realistically expect to be able to teach workshops for at least 2 years, until Baby is 4ish. Historically, the kids have been about that age when they have been willing to let me go for 6+ hours. </div>
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Natalie Goldberg says that if you want to be a writer, simply write for two full years with no thought of making the writing into anything (novel, memoir, etc) - so I guess it doesn't seem unreasonable that it could take two years for me to be in any state of readiness to teach. I think the process of writing my book will kill the proverbial flying animal with the proverbial hard object, because well, books like this are workshops wherein the teacher addresses you via the printed page. The book will have a memoir-ish quality that would be missing in the live workshops (because I will be including my own journal writing), but apart from that, when I have a book, I will also have a workshop.</div>
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<b>The Really Scary One - Drawing and Painting</b></div>
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This is the scary one because I am truly a beginner in this area, and that is just frustrating. I do have a moderate natural talent for drawing, but it is not that impressive. And when I try to add shading to a line drawing or (gasp) use color in an actual painting, it goes from "not that impressive" all the way down to "decidedly unimpressive". But I want to be able to draw so I can sometimes use my own illustrations in my zines and stuff, and I want to be able to paint because I want to have my own art on the walls of my home.<br />
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I do have one painting hanging up already, and I like it, but it's still
very amateurish. I think what is good about it was a happy
conflagration of accidents.Those definitely have their place in art, but I would prefer if they
occurred on top of some kind of technical competency. So, to become
technically competent, I have to practice, and my Inner Perfectionist
hates to practice, since, well, she wants everything she does to be
perfect all the time. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed for people to see
my imperfect work, but I really am just lazy and don't want to put the
time in, despite mentally assenting to the platitude that It's All About
The Journey.<br />
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So, what I need to do is keep a sketchbook/paintbook, made with the same <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=9&cad=rja&ved=0CFcQtwIwCA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D1z6qmXGRrsE&ei=7HVvUdnnM8PWygHEuYHYAQ&usg=AFQjCNFQareYQaHuOaNI5YHkPvKC4QSoVw&sig2=r1OxR7l0-vnuSjkaCtma1Q&bvm=bv.45368065,d.aWc">Teesha Moore watercolor signatures</a> I mentioned in the art journaling section. I got <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Color-Betty-Edwards-Course-Mastering/dp/1585422193/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366472865&sr=1-1&keywords=color+betty+edwards">a book on color</a>
that has a lot of exercises in it, and I guess I have to actually do
them. I also want to just draw things from my everyday life, since that
is what I want to use drawing for, to add a different element to my
ongoing obsession to chronicle my life. I should expand my horizons and
do something besides mapping out my inner landscape. I really should
have a Master's degree in cartography by now. (I just stopped and did
this sketch of my coffee cup sitting on the piano. My life can honestly
be <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGjhEDE2wO8">measured out in coffespoons</a>. Not a bad drawing...shading is off but that's what we expected, yes?) <br />
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I have soooooooo many cut-off-the-book book covers that I planned to use for paintings and I just need to<b> </b>start doing that (I have used a few of them to make covers for hand-bound books). One reason I avoid painting on them is because I want to paint large, but large canvases are expensive. I have a few large canvases (one with a super-awful painting on it..right now I can hear it whispering, "Gesso over me" in a pathetic raspy tone. Its figurative eyes are begging me to put it out of its misery.) I should probably allow myself to paint on a large canvas as a "reward" for doing color work and stuff in the practice book or on the bookboards, which are probably about 8 x 10.<br />
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<b>The Final Frontier - To Sell or Not To Sell?</b><br />
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I have had a few online shops over the years, and they have always been failures...or rather, I have been a failure as a business person. I say that with all the self-love in the world. I just wasn't prepared to have any kind of business. I rarely got orders out on time, plus I was selling things I didn't enjoy making (handmade cards and rag dolls).<br />
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I also sold my zines, but even with those, I often wouldn't have enough copies printed, it would take me days to get to the copy place, sometimes I offered a "package" that included a small handmade item, and boom! the customer wouldn't get their order for a month. And no matter how much you like a thing, that kind of sucky customer service is a deal-breaker. (This is not a zine I sold, but one I made for a swap...but it is an example of how my zines look.)<br />
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<br />
Despite that poor track record, I still think I will eventually want to offer things for sale again...an online workshop, handbound books and art journals, even paintings if people like them. I don't relate to my past business names anymore, so I would need to think of a new name. And I would have to have an actual inventory so I don't run around frantically like the headless chicken of yore, trying and inevitably failing to get orders made and shipped in a few days' time. At least I learned something from my past experience as a bad businessperson, and I absolutely trust that I would not take this step unless and until I am prepared both practically and mentally.<br />
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Anyway, I think that's everything...can you see why my mind was so cluttered? </div>
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<br />Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-20267657160721130552012-11-30T18:47:00.002-08:002012-11-30T18:47:27.998-08:0020 Minute Timed Writing - "My Ideal Self"<b>I am not going to share all my timed writings, and this one is probably more focused than most of them are. This is totally unedited and was handwritten with a burgundy gel pen in a college-ruled notebook I bought in a five-pack at Sam's Club. I think it usually takes about 20 minutes before you manage to get below the surface. Natalie Goldberg recommends you don't re-read the timed writings for a few weeks. When you go back and read them you will ideally be less judgmental of yourself and you will be able to see words, phrases, ideas that can be expanded or even beautiful sentences that are full of real-ness.</b><br />
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My ideal self eats no more than 150 grams of carbs most days. She always has several books going - some difficult and challenging, others for pleasure. She reads modern classics. My ideal self reads out loud to her younger children and tries to inspire her older children to read good books. My ideal self works out with weights three days a week, does cardio one day, or better yet, does 10 minutes on the rebounder every day. She fits other uncategorizable workouts in on the other three days and takes one full rest day per week. She is not rigid about any of this but is mostly consistent. My ideal self does twenty minutes of freewriting like this every day. She belongs to a writing group that meets at a coffee house once a month. My Ideal self has two days every month "off" from family duties. If needed, she uses one day to catch up on household duties but ideally she uses two 45-minute maintenance times each day to keep things orderly enough that she can use those days as retreats for reading, writing, art journaling, prayer, etc. My ideal self is patient. She feels annoyed just as much as my actual self but has trained herself to smile instead of growling and snapping. She is not fake when she does this, but she doesn't always want to be a reactionary. She wants to respond instead of react and she wants to respond positively even to negative situations - positively in that she wants to be at peace with all people as much as it depends on her and not part of the problem but part of the solution. My ideal self creates most days. She makes a few art journal pages a week, she works on plans for her future as a workshop instructor, she puts together prototypes for her future book.My ideal self cooks a full meal three times a week and eats a big salad every day. My ideal self takes her multivitamins, her calcium and she looks out for the health of her family without being naggy. She manages to get across not-so-positive emotions and work through tense situations without being sarcastic or naggy or mopey or otherwise ineffectual. She takes a self-portrait once a week. My ideal self keeps up on her digital photos, ideally printing them out regularly, but at the very least backing them up so they will not be lost. My ideal self does not assume the worst about everything, she does not let things that happened in the past make her feel jaded because she thinks she will know how it will all turn out. She is able to walk away from escalating arguments without acting all superior about it. My ideal self listens to world music on a regular basis and she plays the guitar. My ideal self my ideal self my ideal self does not have to write the same thing over and over. She continues to make paper zines even though paper is so out of favor and she reads poetry in the hope that she will someday get it. My ideal self prays for everyone she knows on a regular basis and she makes some kind of creative prayer journal. My ideal self has at least one 3x4 foot painting of her own hanging on the wall of her house. My ideal self my ideal self my ideal self doesn't exist obviously but since I am afraid to even try to plan or make any kind of resolution again (since I have failed at keeping them so many times) I thought that writing about my ideal self would maybe give me some guidance or motivation. My ideal self is not emotionally protective of herself. She is able to love others even through her own pain about unmet needs. My ideal self does not leave her clothes all over the dressing room floor. My ideal self doesn't exist and that's okay. My ideal self would not be a perfect person even if she did exist, but she would be less discouraged about life, more trusting of God and more expansive and loving towards other people. My ideal self is compassionate. She walks through the library and sees a young black man reading a comic book and his lips move, and she loves him and does not think he should be reading a real book. My ideal self is not snippy and is not guarded all the time. My ideal self my ideal self does not check message boards like Happy Eaters and Video Fitness just because she can. She checks things like that at night and in the morning with her coffee. My ideal self mails something artistic to someone every two weeks and she does not go shopping without a list. She even has a food budget.<br />
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</span>Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-19314448415482902602012-07-05T11:31:00.001-07:002012-07-05T21:14:18.629-07:00Maybe The Longest Post Ever...All The Unfinished Blogs I Never Posted, With Commentary From Today's Perspective<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span id="formatbar_Buttons" style="display: block; font-size: small;"><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link">I am having such a difficult time writing more than a few sentences these days, but if I don't get some of the "stuff" out of my head, there will be a new reality show about me called Brain Hoarder. And that won't be pretty. I looked in my blog dashboard and saw an embarrassing number of unpublished drafts, and I figured interacting with my own writing would be a good jump-start. I am going to post in unedited entirety blog posts from as long as a year and a half ago, and just have a freewrite response to each one - the response will be in bolded type. I am not trying to wrap up any of these topics in a neat package...just responding to my past self in a probably disjointed, messy way!</span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"> </span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"> </span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link">1) "Along
with the blessed relief from the awful Texas heat, Fall always brings
me to a time of Kinda Depressed Introspection. You may be asking, what
have all these other non-Fall posts been, if not Kinda Depressed
Introspection? I guess in a way that is my default mode."</span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"> </span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"> </span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"><b>Kinda depressed introspection is definitely my default mode! The other day I saw one of those supposed-to-be-inspirational internet quotes, and it said something like. "When you feel discouraged, encourage others", and I think I am often like that - I mean, when I am not just whining and complaining about my own discouragement. I was wondering the other day exactly what it means that Christ's yoke is easy, and His burden is light? Does that mean if I feel beaten down and discouraged a lot that I am not hitched up to the right cart? </b></span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"><b> </b></span><span class=" down" id="formatbar_CreateLink" style="display: block;" title="Link"> </span></span><span style="font-size: small;">"I have a love/hate relationship with self-help books and articles, as
well as books and articles that are intended to help you in your
Christian life."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>This morning I was reading <a href="http://www.modernreformation.org/default.php?page=articledisplay&var1=ArtRead&var2=1&var3=main">Christless Christianity</a> by Michael Horton, as well as listening to his White Horse Inn program, and they both pointed out that (and I paraphrase) "legalism and antinomianism like to hunt together", and that most of us are BOTH antinomians and legalists - we want to have no authority outside ourselves, and also judge others (as well as ourselves) by a strict standard of morality, however we happen to define that. I have gotten a lot out of all the self-help and Christian-growth books I have read, although the piles of bones I spit out after reading them get bigger the older I get. Each type of book seems to feed either my inner antinomian or my inner legalist, and the really great ones give both of them juicy, dripping slices of the vittles they love most - could be chunks of pride and judgment or bowls of fear and shame - they just tear 'em up and consume in wild abandon. They gain weight and strength quickly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"1:55 pm</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I am feeling my most
common type of stress - the pressure that comes from having numerous
things I could do/should do/want to do/need to do, and the inability to
discern which I should choose. The baby is napping and my options are:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">1) begin cooking the lunch of lemon tempura chicken</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">2) fold a load of laundry</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">3) do strength training</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">4)
participate in a Facebook discussion about whether when Jesus speaks in
the Bible, He is speaking to individuals or nations or both</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I
truly do not have any preference as to which one I do, the problem is
that they all need to be done, and I don't know which is most important.
Being constantly pulled in numerous directions and not being able to
determine proper priorities is one of my biggest challenges. I did just
play Yahtzee with 3 of the Moppets, so I do feel like I did some good
parent stuff, and it has not been long since they had a snack (apple
slices with a peanut butter/maple syrup sauce, dipped in pecans, and
Barbara's all-natural cheese puffs), so no one is starving. But food is
my biggest homemaking struggle, so I always consider that one first. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I hate, hate, hate having responsibility for feeding people. It is the most stressful, thankless task, and has brought me to tears and made me feel like the Most Worthless Person Ever more times than I can count. There is no way to please everyone, and everyone's a critic, plus it leaves a huge mess. Not to mention the spectres of all the Family Dinners Of Better Families, which are marked by delicious food, edifying conversation and the overflowing kindness of participants, each towards the other. This just reminds me that I am generally burnt-out on woman's work, and all the so-called "duties" of my so-called "role". Gasp. That doesn't mean I want to throw off the patriarchal shackles and head out into the shining vista of the paid workforce by any means. But I really need a vacation from the unending drudgery of it all. <br /><br />I'm sure I haven't trained my children well enough, and that I am not efficient enough in how I do anything, and that I have an attitude that is not befitting a Christian woman with a meek and quiet spirit, and that it is a great high calling to be home despot in the service of the King and all that, and no sarcasm or irony intended, really. But I am tired of feeling like a household appliance, and not even a respected Kitchen-Aid or Vita-Mix - just one of those cheap foreign numbers that doesn't even work very well and needs to be replaced every few years. I have felt like I need to be replaced for some time now. Replaced with a better model - one which actually works less than the other one, and pays more attention to other things - like people and truly important endeavors.<br /><br /> I don't often give my full attention to my people because I am either feeling the discouraging weight of all the household tasks I could or should be doing, in all honesty, for as long as I am awake - OR - I am annoyed at everyone else for not helping me more often so I don't feel that weight. It's not even that anyone is soooo messy, but there are 8 people living in this house, and lots of different things that each person does, all with its own paraphernalia. I could literally walk from room to room all day and there would be something that needed to be picked up, folded, washed, dusted, straightened, emptied...and I am not even a person who wants Martha Stewart neat and/or clean. So, a certain subset of the how-to better-live-your-Christian-life books really, really left me with baggage, because before I got into that I really never worried about that stuff...not that I was a total pig, but I rightly paid more attention to other things. I got so caught up in the whole role of the wife and mother, and now I feel like I am trapped in a net (one I crocheted myself, of course), struggling to get out. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I'm not renouncing roles or any of that, but I really don't believe that God would have me put so much time into something that brings me so much discouragement, when there are things I do that are both meaningful to me and a blessing to other people. I don't think anything that is traditionally women's work is demeaning or inherently servile, and I know that things have to be functional on a kind of basic level, or the environment is too chaotic to live and work in. But I do think there is a cyclical, futile quality to it all that can be stifling, almost to the point of suffocation, for me at least. I need to learn to let any truly unnecessary work go, learn how to delegate, do what I can myself, and then move on to do other things... I need to get back to making zines, art journaling, baking, interacting with family and friends more lovingly. I sometimes feel like a part of me is dying, and my Inner Titus 2 Woman is the killer...she's usin' poison fer a slow, not easily diagnosable cause of death. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Immersing myself in Christian culture is the reason I nearly stopped
being a Christian; immersing myself in a morally-suspect show about
witches and demons is the reason I came back."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I actually didn't write that quote...I found it on someone's blog in an article they wrote about being a Christian who loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Back in my Godly Womanhood days (not that I don't want to be a Godly woman now, ya know...I'm just referring to the Godly Woman subculture, which contains ladies I am crazy about) I would have not exactly scorned, but definitely been VERY uncomfortable with the idea that a Christian could be watching Buffy, while simultaneously sitting smack dab in the middle of God's Perfect Will For Her Life. I knew nothing about the show, of course and I wasn't even THAT conservative...but really, in addition to the whole holiness thing, how good can a show even be if it is about a 16-year-old blonde named Buffy, who kills vampires?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I never came close to "stopping" as far as my Christian faith went, but I honestly admit that I have found myself to be much less self-righteous, more compassionate, more aware of my own sin...in general, more sanctified since I began watching so-called "worldly" television shows. I have a Facebook friend who posted something a while back, one of those articles that are written by people who are pretty sure YOU shouldn't see something because it contains situations/ideas/philosophies etc. they consider to be inappropriate content...while it's fine for THEM to see it and actually review it, all to protect you. Because you know, you are too dumb to tell fantasy from reality. No doubt if you ever saw a show or read a book that has witches or demons or vampires as characters, you would immediately start spitting blasphemies and run out and join your local coven.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small; font-weight: bold;">"</span><span style="font-size: small;">There was a life, phase after phase.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It oft felt like running a maze.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">No matter how odd, twas all planned out by God,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">to Whom be all glory and praise.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I
wrote an article for one of my past zines called Phases I Have Gone
Through - I identified at least eleven distinct phases when I looked
back on my life from when I was about 15 years old:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Psychology Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The I Am Woman Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Natural Mothering Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Libertarian Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Pre-Christian Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Christian Me, Part 1</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Christian Me, Part 2</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Titus 2 Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Aging/Fitness Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Artist Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Midlife Crisis Phase</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The Integration Phase (which is basically my whole life) </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">A lot of these phases overlap each other, and there have been phases within phases.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I
am thinking about this again because a revised and expanded version of
the article may be officially "published" by an entity other than me,
and I am struggling with the revision process. Thankfully, I don't have
to make it shorter - I actually have the freedom to expand it to more
than twice its current length. But my writing style has changed somewhat
since I first wrote it, and I am not sure whether I should try to
completely re-write it (which seems too daunting for me right now) or if
I should just add a sentence or phrase here and there where it seems
appropriate...I am concerned it would end up feeling like a ragged crazy
quilt if I did that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">But
my biggest concern is that I just won't be able to do it at all, that I
will freeze up mentally and emotionally, and will finally pull out the
"I-Have-Five-Kids-a-Husband-and-a-House-To-Take-Care-Of-and-I'm-Already-Halfway-to-the-Looney-Bin-So-I-Can't-Do-This"
card."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>This is the kind of important thing I neglect while I am wandering from room to room, despairing about all the perpetually undone stuff. It's such a cliche, but I definitely know I will not be on my deathbed, wishing I had kept a more organized refrigerator.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"There once was a gal who checked in</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">With herself to see how she had been</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Taking stock of neuroses, making new diagnoses...</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Is she hopeful, or filled with chagrin?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I
live in my own head so much, one would think I would always be
hyper-aware of what's actually going on in there. But most of the time I am so
busy and distracted that I simply have a vague sense of unnamed
well-being, unease or, occasionally, foreboding. Rarely do any of these
feelings line up at all with external reality."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I have a desire to be a sort of pseudo-Buddhist, or maybe Buddhist Lite. All I really know about Buddhism I know from reading Natalie Goldberg's essays on writing. She talks a lot about what she calls "monkey mind", which is basically just the state inside ourselves all the time - lots of fleeting thoughts, restlessness, inability to focus, fluctuating emotions - you have a mind, you know what I am talking about. Buddhist meditation aims to quiet that somewhat, tries to get us to look at our thoughts and emotions in a kind of detached, non-judgmental way. Then there is the whole idea of mindfulness, or just being in the moment. I think a lot of Christians think these are "new age" ideas, and so distrust them. I think that they are perfectly compatible with what we learn about ourselves and about life in the Bible. The gospel basically proclaims that we are a mess, and the monkey mind is proof of that. I am sure Adam and Eve did not have monkey mind, pre-Fall. We now have mixed motives, righteous and sinful desires at war within us, pride and self-loathing hangin' together. Then there is our maddening tendency to spend an embarrassing amount of time regretting the past, worrying about the future, and even having conversations with people inside our heads, making up what we think they will say. All that is the opposite of mindfulness. When I stop at any given moment and think about it, even if I FEEL terrible, the external reality almost always is that things are basically fine. This is not even taking into consideration the fact that God has promised to take all those things which actually are tragic, or serious problems in an earthly sense, and use then for good. So things are always fine in that sense, even when they are not fine in another. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"There once was a gal so befuddled</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">But when she did write, though not all was polite,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Inner Self would feel slightly less muddled."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I struggle a lot with knowing what is an "appropriate" amount of negativity in my writing. On the surface, a lot of what I write appears negative, but I never let it just stay that way, let the pain or whatever just exist there, raw on the page, without the little twist to make it...I don't know, easier to swallow both for myself and others who might read it. I know that everything goes towards our sanctification, but some of our issues will never, ever be well reconciled in this life, and I think it is a defense mechanism when I try to always "put things into perspective". I want to be brave enough to just say something, and allow it to be what it is, in all its uncomfortable awkwardness, making plain to everyone that I have serious wounds, many besetting sins, and ugliness inside me that just won't quit</b>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"I am alone except for a sleeping baby. At least I thought I was
alone, but then I felt the presence of Midlife Mama, who has spent the
last 5 years or so living in one of my mental guest bedrooms. I know, I
know. You are wondering how many alter-egos one non-schizophrenic can
have. You are wondering how Midlife Mama differs from Aging Artiste.
Well, maybe you aren't, but I sure am.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Aging Artiste is
positive. She embraces the whole idea of an exciting second life in her
later years (assuming she lives long enough to have later years). She grows in confidence. She has a
more humanistic outlook than is really acceptable...not in that she
doesn't have real belief in God, but in that she really does think that
somewhere in this world there is fulfilment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Midlife
Mama is full of fear. She is afraid that life is passing her by, but is
also afraid to really live, to trust God, to be willing to either
accomplish her big grandiose plans or relinquish them, whatever He calls
her to do. She is afraid to feel things, to love people, to grow, to
lose. She feels the weight of this world, and begins to understand the
lure of being with the Lord, living in the new Heaven and Earth. She
wants rest, physical and mental. She wants to sit and know that it's
okay to sit. She wants to put her baby down in the grass and know that
there is no worry in that - the baby cannot get lost, cannot get hurt -
indeed "the nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and
the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den"."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I have thought a lot about what it means to be at rest, because I have never, ever experienced it. There are always the nagging background whispers, the reminders that life will always be as shifting sands beneath our feet, because there is evil in this world, and with evil comes hard times, sadness and grief. Like Joni Mitchell sings "Everything comes and goes, marked by lovers and styles of clothes. Things that you held high, and told yourself were true - are lost or changing as the days come down to you...Everything comes and goes, pleasure moves on too early, and trouble leaves too slow. Just when you're thinking you've finally got it made, bad news comes knocking at your garden gate...knocking for you." How can we rest when we know that is the truth? The blessed vision of putting your baby down and being able to drink your latte without worrying about anything happening to them came to me one morning, and it was the first time I ever got a glimpse of what eternal rest might be like. I carry so much worry in both my conscious and subconscious minds that my heart could be broken at any time, and to let go of that fear is the most restful thing I can imagine. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"It is sometimes so easy to go without writing. I have feelings, or
remember things, or feel a rant coming on, and I think I should go write
about it. I often sit down with a pen or at the computer, but for many
months now, when I do that I feel a physical block, literally a lump in
my throat or in my chest, and I might shoot off a few bland sentiments,
but then I stop. I do know that I am not taking the time to push though
to what Natalie Goldberg calls "First Thoughts", that which will come
through after you get out all the boring crap, the whining, the censored
version of what you really want to say. I have rarely gotten past that
point, honestly. I am afraid of First Thoughts, and since I keep them
buried my writing has never been very powerful. Then at times I admit
that I have used writing about life to avoid actually living it, and I
want to stop doing that. I want to live, and then I want to write what I
lived. But I am actually so busy and so tired with doing life that I am
not processing much. One of my big fears is that I will die before I
can process it all, before I have time and energy to think about what
now seems like drudgery, but will probably not seem to be in hindsight."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I just wrote this the other day, so I don't have much commentary to add.</b></span> </div>
<br />Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-3368024703810838972012-03-19T16:40:00.011-07:002012-03-19T23:23:03.185-07:00Confuddled Enough For a Rapidwrite, Broken Into Choppy ParagraphsI have started at least 8 blog posts in the past month, but they all remain languishing in my Drafts folder. I was trying to make the typical, if not polished, at least somewhat concise piece of verbiage that passes for good writing if the reader is not looking too closely.<br /><br />While I was just lying with Baby, getting her down for the evening nap, I was looking at a book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Inner-Excavation-Exploring-Through-Photography/dp/1440303096">Inner Excavation</a>, which is a mixed-media book that focuses on photography and poetry. I have some kind of block when it comes to photography. This may stem from the fact that back in the days of film, I could never remember how to change said film no matter how often someone showed me. When I took a photography class in college everyone must have thought I had died in the darkroom when we were supposed to remove the film from the camera. I finally came out, but the film was still nestled in there, all cozy-like.<br /><br />Now we have digital cameras and I don't understand settings and all that, and I am really not all that interested in learning. I am not a huge fan of photography in general. But I know it would help my artistic eye to compose photographs, I could use them as writing prompts. Since I am kinda scared of it, that probably means it's Something I Should Do. But I'd have to take lots of self-portraits if I were honest and I do not want to see how awful I would undoubtedly look in some of them. I definitely have to make peace with my aging self. It would be fun to take self-portraits dressed up like my Alter-Egos. Also scary. Big Fears.<br /><br />Big Fears definitely hold me back. It is so easy for me to blame my season of life when I don't get much done in my "interest areas". But Big Fears are just as responsible as Wife and Mama Duties. They are part of the big conspiracy against me. All thrift stores are part of the same conspiracy, working together to make sure I never again find another cool yet flattering garment. I am having one of those hormonal times when you feel like you weigh 20 lbs more than you do, and change your clothes constantly in the hope that you will finally find something in which you look less than horrific. Plus, all my clothes are falling apart and/or are all stretched out from my last pregnancy.<br /><br />I am so tired of being depressed and discouraged, but I feel like I am in a time loop, with the same thing (my life, basically) happening again and again and I always react with the same negative and/or fatalistic attitude instead of breaking the pattern and stopping the loop. The other day I looked up the definition of the common saying, <span style="font-weight: bold;">"It Is What It Is"</span>, and it said that the phrase implies a sense of hopelessness about a situation, as opposed to the other common saying <span style="font-weight: bold;">"It's All Good",</span> in which the speaker is "trying to rise above whatever problem exists, without expressing their underlying negative emotions".<br /><br />I have always had a kind of surface optimism (the companion to my surface <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">extrovertedness</span>), but it has often been buried under discouragement. So my motto could easily be <span style="font-weight: bold;">"It Is What It Is, And It's Also All Good"</span>, because while I actually feel depressed quite a bit, and more hopeless than I used to feel about much change being possible, I never quite lose sight of my eternal hope, even though it's shrinking so far into the distance as I am led through this world.<br /><br />Anne <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Lamott</span> writes about the internal radio station <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">KFKD</span> (or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">WFKD</span>, depending on where you live) which plays different content into each ear simultaneously - basically, delusions of grandeur on one side, and merciless self-deprecation on the other. I have been listening to this station for as long as I can remember, and the programming this week is an impressive line-up ready to discuss and debate my upcoming meeting with the magazine editor.<br /><br />My Minion of Narcissistic Positivity keeps insisting this will be the beginning of my long and respected career as an author and art journal instructor. No doubt promotion will be starting soon for my book that is part memoir, part zine, part art journal workshop. The money will start rolling in. Interviews with me will sought by both Christian and secular media (most notably, The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Utne</span> Reader). I will be famous in a few interesting niche demographics, earn enough money to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others, but will be unrecognizable in public. My healthy radiance and fitness and middle-aged yet funky fashion sense will show through in all photographs of me. I will be the first Christian <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">zinemaker</span> to speak at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ComicCon</span>, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Joss</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Whedon</span>, James <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Marsters</span>, Juliet Landau and Amber Benson will seek me out and tell me how much they love my work, plus, they all came to faith after hearing the orthodox yet creative and culturally relevant presentation of the Gospel in my book.<br /><br />The arch-nemesis of the Positivity Minion will then get the rebuttal. The Naysayer will sadly remind the audience of my poor track record in business and teaching situations in the art/craft/writing area. There will be warnings about how I can talk the talk so much better than I walk the walk, as far as being a writer, a Christian, a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">homeschooler</span>, an artist. It is certain I have pulled the wool over the eyes of anyone who thinks I might have any wisdom or talent at all, in any sphere of life. And not to be rude or judgmental, but really, I look like crap. My hair is always frizzy; no matter how much I work out I am still 10 lbs overweight; and my face has this exhausted, haggard look that is only accentuated by the lines in my forehead. Photos of me that might be included with any publicity will be a visual reminder of my absolute <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">loserhood</span>.<br /><br />Fascinating perspectives like those are available around the clock on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">WFKD</span>. I wonder if you also get that station? In my area, there are welcome, yet convicting, editorial interruptions by God, asking me why I keep these idiots on my payroll.<br /><br />I felt pretty crappy when I started writing this, probably because everyone was still up and my Inner Introvert was screaming for mercy. She starts screaming earlier each day, it seems. But I have been pretty much alone for about three hours. I chatted with one of my oldest friends on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">FB</span> and also previewed <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xxKtl2nveA&feature=youtu.be">Kelly Coffey-Meyer's newest workout</a>. It was pleasant multi-tasking, so much nicer than the pressure-cooker multi-tasking I am always trying to do every day. I was thinking yesterday that my stress level would go down, and my contentment level up, if I just lowered my expectations of, well, everything. In my life, things seem to be either/or. Either my house is clean and neat, OR I am cooking good meals and snacks OR I am in creative mode OR the kids are in one of their rare non-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">unschooling</span> periods OR I am exercising every day. Or, like now, it's (almost) None of the Above. That sorry state IS mostly baby related, and so will pass sooner rather than later. But even when I don't have a little baby, I have never been very good at having a "balanced" existence. I go through bursts of energy and enthusiasm for one area of life, and focus on that for a while. Then I move onto a different area, or I might just fall apart for a while and do nothing but read crime novels while I drink too much coffee in the corner at my own pity-parties.<br /><br />I want to be able to say It Is What It Is without the hopeless undertone, because really, that's the truth about life. Wherever we are right now, is where we are. God knows we are there. We don't have to hide from Him or from ourselves, even if What Is really sucks right now, even if it sucks because of us. I don't want to wrap all this up in a neat little package. Actually, I do, but I am not going to. It is my tendency to want to put The Whole Thing Into Perspective, but it's usually indulgence in half-truths to do that. Plus, Baby is stirring, I am tired, morning comes too quickly.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-2358044006088704712012-02-16T12:03:00.001-08:002012-02-17T10:22:12.707-08:00In Which I Interview My Inner Feminist and My Inner Proverbs 31 Woman<span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Good evening, and welcome to Alter-Ego Interviews. Tonight we have with us my Inner Feminist and My Inner Proverbs 31 Woman, or should I say lady, hehehe.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> Ya know, C.S. Lewis had it right when he complained about how words become problematic with shifting cultural meanings. He used the word gentleman as an example - it used to be that a gentleman was someone who owned land, so, as Clive said, "one could be both a gentleman and a scoundrel". You can say that the word lady has had the same experience - if a lady is someone who, according to a few definitions, is "<span id="hotword"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">woman</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">who</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">is</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">refined,</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">polite,</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">and</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">well-spoken</span></span>" or "a well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior", it might not fit me very well. I am definitely not refined, and I don't mean to be inconsiderate...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span>...but you do tend to be tactless unless you are careful. I agree with you, though. Since this show is about our femaleness in relation to our Christian faith, I would have to say that theologically woman is probably the proper term, since it is about creation rather than behavior.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Okay, "gals" (wink at audience) let me introduce you before we get into it. Wow, you have a lot in common...in fact, you seem almost identical on paper. You both came from a Jewish background, got married at 20, have 5 kids who have never been to school, are a "homemaker" without an outside job, are members of an OPC church...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> We also live in the same house and even the same body. That can be challenging (friendly smirk at Prov). But really, I think we work okay together. The problems stem more from the expectations and misunderstandings of "the outside world".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> That's right...we don't seem to fit in anywhere. People who are unbelievers and usually liberals, mostly have knee-jerk, angry reactions when I talk about issues like how sexual freedom has not been all the feminists assumed, especially for women. Or about how actually bearing and nursing multiple children helps prevent breast cancer - that was not received very well in a recent discussion about the Komen foundation defunding Planned Parenthood.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> And I get flak from more conservative Titus 2 folks when I get into discussions about "submission"...just saying that women are not obligated to vote for the same political candidates as their husbands has raised eyebrows, and things I say have definitely sparked comments about how I am trying to "get out" of the idea of the husband's leadership.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Fem, you mention politics...do you two agree or disagree on political issues?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> We definitely agree in that we are apolitical - we don't vote and trust that God will raise up and bring down princes without our help. When we discuss politics, I am probably more likely to seem "conservative" because I will say that certain hot-button issues (like abortion or homosexual practice) are sins...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span>..and I agree with Prov about that, but I am likely to seem more truly libertarian or even liberal, on some issues (depending on who is listening to me). I really don't have a problem with, say, the secular State allowing gay marriage. I am really concerned that many, if not most, Christians totally confuse the gospel with conservative morality. And I completely disagree with more theonomic thinkers who believe that the external sins, especially the sexual sins, should be crimes. I do think that abortion should be illegal, but I struggle because I think it is hypocritical to just blame (and prosecute) abortionists when there would be no abortionists if women did not seek abortions, and honestly, I can't see prosecuting women for murder when they have abortions, because the psychological pain is already so great in many women, even women who consistently uphold "choice".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> So far, it sounds like you agree about most things...where do you struggle with each other?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> We struggle in determining what is important to do at any given time...a well-known guiding statement in more conservative circles is Elizabeth Eliott's "Do the next thing". I am more likely to think the "next thing" should be some household chore or "experience" with the kids. I worry more about the moral and spiritual and intellectual development of the kids, of the whole family, really. I think that I need to be serving others almost all the time, and I actually feel guilty if I cannot do multiple things for others at the same time...I will feel guilty if I am cooking and the baby is crying, and my husband is doing something like listening to an audiobook - I will think I should hold the baby and cook, because it is my job to make sure my husband has rest. I definitely have more guilt than Fem. Some of this is from my Jewish background, I think (we have that martyr complex going), but most of it came from spending too many years reading books and blogs about being a "godly wife and mother".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> When I think of "Do the next thing", I think I should take some time to do something OTHER than womanly tasks - not just because "I wanna", but because I see that my doing things like that rubs off on my kids, and I think writing and art and reading novels is important. I am so thrilled that my kids make things - just for fun, and also for others. I have heard Prov say that some say that when people (usually your family) see you serve, that will teach them to serve - but she thinks that what it more often does is teach them to be served. But I think that things like doing art and reading really do affect people by osmosis...they see you doing it, and they want to do it too. Maybe not the exact same things, but the process of creative work and thought - both of which are manifestations of God's image in us...and YES, we women are created in God's image in the same way men are.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> So, how do you feel in general about male leadership..in the home, in the church, in the public square?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> We agree, believe it or not. We also think it is annoying how many people think that the idea of husbands being the leader of the home translates into women in general being subject to men in general. We have no problem with the offices of pastor and elder being held by men only...all the MEN in the church are also under their authority. I'm pretty sure it was CS Lewis who said (and I paraphrase) that we are all female before God - meaning we are the pursued, the acted-upon. And this doesn't stop God from using female images sometimes to get across something about His nature and our relationship with him - but interestingly, those images are almost exclusively images of motherhood, and even nursing babies!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> My big concern is for women who really are in ugly relationships with their husbands, and who have no recourse because their elders hold to extreme ideas about patriarchy. I also hate the idea that a woman should somehow not deal with her husband's sin against her as she would with anyone - per Matthew 18. Too many people make the authority relationship paramount, when the relationship as Christian to Christian, before God, is foremost.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> What about women working, or holding public office, or serving in the military?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> While I would not say that women, particularly wives, working outside the home is a sin, I definitely think that women are better suited to the kind of multitasking, relationally based role of homemaking and childcare. I think God made us that way - that doesn't mean homemaking and motherhood is always a big thrill...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span>...gotta interrupt, and say one of my BIG problems is how the books and blogs and catalogs of the "Godly Family" variety are just like every other photoshopped lie we see in modern media. We see perfectly groomed children, husbands who always seem to have enough money to take the family on road trips to homeschool conferences...don't they have to work? Not to mention that while on one hand we hear how a nagging wife is like a drippy faucet or whatever, on the other hand these perfect pictures have a real tendency to make wives discontented with their husbands - most of whom are your garden variety sinners who work all day, come home tired, are hit and miss with family devotions, and whose type of leadership doesn't quite live up to That Godly Patriarch There, the one sitting in his paneled library surrounded by his first editions of the great Puritan writings.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> Back to my point...see, you are kinda inconsiderate with all this interrupting! So, while working outside the home is not a sin, the more women working outside the home translates into fewer full-time homes, which is a tragic thing. Home is definitely one of God's gifts to us, and although making one is as challenging as any other career, the benefits to people just can't be tallied. And I am not talking only homes which are always neat, from which the smell of freshly ground, freshly baked whole-wheat bread is always wafting. My home is certainly not like that! But I do believe that while the Bible absolutely does not forbid wives from working, it definitely promotes the idea that home is important, and that women are the natural makers of homes. One sad thing that has happened as women have gone to work in droves, is that they have basically taken on two full-time jobs - because lotsa women who work still come home and take care of all the stuff they would take care of if they weren't working. So much for equality and egalitarianism.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> I think the whole Godly Family thing has so much allure to people who come from broken homes, especially since it is so often portrayed visually and in print as this glowing, fulfilling lifestyle - PLUS it pleases God. So. Much. I know I looked back on my life with a single mother and multiple step-parents and just wanted something stable, something that had rules and roles which encouraged stability. That subculture also promotes itself as being about purity, which was a big draw for me, since I practically learned to read from looking at the comics in Playboy...and I am only exaggerating slightly. When I was first exposed to, say, Mary Pride, I recoiled because it seemed so oppressive to women, but eventually I was really drawn to it. I was like a junk-food junkie who sees a commercial for a Big Mac and gets right into the car and drives to McDonald's like a zombie seeking brains.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> Hehehehehe, Fem, that reminds me how popular the book Nourishing Traditions is in the Titus 2 subculture, with all it's organ meat recipes! Not saying it is a bad book, but thankfully serving organ meat is not a requirement for being a successful wife and mother!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Before we go on, please give a quick answer to the women in political office and military question...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> Well, both Fem and I are pretty much anti-war, so we are even opposed to men in the military, for the most part. But we would say that while women can be tough and even violent, war is a man's business.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> As far as women in political office, since we are apolitical we really aren't concerned about the gender of senators or even presidents. We just wish more of them, male and female, would simply go home and get real jobs.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> Women in political office is just an extension of the woman as homemaker question. Since I don't think the Bible implies that women in general are under the authority of men in general, and since the Bible actually commands that we be subject to those in authority in the State, if a woman is in that position, God has her there - I know one of the beliefs of the Patriarchy-type folks is that woman in leadership is a way God judges the people, based on a passage in Isaiah...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> ...but I truly believe that the Bible IS to be interpreted culturally sometimes, and especially, to be understood in light of the fact that no nation is Israel, and so trying to impose that kind of structure on modern nations is theologically incorrect. Ooops, more interrupting (sheepish grin at Prov).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> One more hot-button question - how do you both feel about birth control? I know it is one of the main tenets of the Titus 2 mindset that God opens and closes the womb, and that trying to mess with what is "God's area" is wrong.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> I totally agree that God opens and closes the womb, and I haven't used birth control since I got married, well, until a few months ago. I have tracked my cycles for years in order to conceive, not to prevent getting pregnant. Even without using birth control it took me 4 years to get pregnant with my first, and then almost 6 years to get pregnant with my second. I have taken various herbs and things to regulate my cycles, have had at least three miscarriages, and now have 5 children from 18-8 months. I know that I personally am uncomfortable with birth control, but just like the wives and jobs issue, we can see that while children are definitely a blessing in the Bible, there is no command that married couples mustn't put any thought into planning their families. But I do think that the family planning mindset has led to a lot of negative thinking about children - assuming wrongly that they are too expensive, too annoying, etc. But my husband is 50 now and has pretty much made clear that he doesn't want any more children. That makes me sad, but at the same time I am 43 and am getting very tired and taking care of this current baby has really worn me out physically. I would always be glad if I found out I was pregnant - and since I believe God DOES open and close the womb, if He has any more planned for us they will indeed make their appearance at the proper time - all I have asked my husband is that neither of us do anything permanent with our fertility...that will happen soon enough with menopause.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> I'm sad at the thought of not having more babies, too...but sometimes I think I hang onto childbearing because as long as I am having babies, I am still "young" and hopefully far from the grave. I also know that babies and young children are a good excuse to not do things, things that are equally good and pleasing to God, things that each of us have unique callings to do. I definitely do not think that bearing and raising children is the only "proper" focus for women. But I do think that it (the whole process of gestating, bearing and raising children) takes a lot of time and energy so it is difficult to do other things at the same time, and really, that is how it should be. I am generally okay with the whole "seasons of life" thing, and as I get older I am seeing the natural end of this season looming ahead, so my thoughts necessarily turn to what comes after.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> We are running out of time here. I'm sure we have not covered everything, but to wrap it up I'd like to ask each of you to tell our audience what you see as your strengths and weaknesses in terms of your "roles" and goals. Prov, you go first.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Prov:</span> Okay, I would say that one of my strengths is hospitality. Although it is a struggle for me to be around people all the time (the hardest part of family life by far), I think I am good at inviting people into my home, feeding them, and making them feel comfortable. I am also good at taking care of small babies. Even when I get tired, I find it really satisfying to make a baby feel safe and contented. I really enjoy that the demands of babies are so pure and stem from their real, legitimate needs, so I can meet those needs without resentment - and resentment is one of my weaknesses in terms of my role. I think it is a strength that I can really see the relationship between us and God when I am taking care of a baby...they are so demanding, so exhausting, and can literally give us nothing back intentionally...but we take care of them and love them despite this neediness. I have a lot of logistical weaknesses in my homemaker role - I struggle with time management and am often downright lazy. I struggle with all the demands of cleaning and cooking; I am not great at either one and I get easily stressed out about my performance. I definitely have more weaknesses than strengths, but one strength is that I am committed to the importance of what I do in the home and so I persevere and sometimes see glimmers of "success" in various areas.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fem:</span> I think one of my biggest strengths is my honesty about life. I believe that struggles, big struggles, are perfectly compatible with the Christian life and I know that I help people breathe a sigh of relief - they know they don't have it all together, and when I write honestly about how hard life is for me they appreciate knowing they are not alone. I also manage to see God working even in most of my big struggles and disappointments, and am good at honestly giving God the glory for any good thing others might see in me. I think for the most part I have learned to be a pretty good communicator with people who disagree with me, although it has taken many years to keep a naturally confrontational and offensive personality in check in those situations. I have bad tendencies towards pride and thinking people are generally idiots, and I can be short tempered for days at a time, and also inappropriately sarcastic. I know the list could go on.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Well, I thank you both for joining me here on Alter-Ego Interviews. I hope we can get together again for more stimulating discussion.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-43140125374019721932012-01-03T07:49:00.000-08:002012-01-16T07:26:55.486-08:00Forty-Three Things About Me, Part OneI make a list like this every few years, whatever my age is at the time. I like looking back on the lists and seeing how I have changed or remained the same over time.<br /><br />1) If you had told me when I wrote my first list of 100 Things About Me (2003) that I would watch lots of television shows, television shows with vampires (two <a href="http://bryonypearce.wordpress.com/2011/03/15/mitchell-vs-spike/">especially awesome ones</a>) , and television shows with vampires WITH my teenage daughter, I would have totally denied even the possibility.<br /><br />2) I spend lots of time being generally introspective, but I think very little about my past. Even though a lot of things about my early life have screwed me up long term, I don't really have "regrets". I think that is because I believe that God uses real life to make real people out of us.<br /><br />3) If I could change anything somewhat trivial about myself, I would suddenly be an adventurous eater and someone who likes to cook.<br /><br />4) I have been doing some kind of mixed-media art for over 20 years, but I did not know that until about 3 years ago.<br /><br />5) Despite not being a proponent of "low carbing", I have naturally started eating lots fewer carbs in the past year or so.<br /><br />6) If I were single and childless, I would want to live in a flat right in the middle of a big cool city with excellent public transportation and lotsa non-corporate shops and restaurants.<br /><br />7) I would get dreadlocks if I didn't have to shave my head to get rid of them.<br /><br />8) Having no hair is one of my trivial, yet very scary, fears.<br /><br />9) Almost all my angst and neurosis and guilt is intertwined with my relation to other people. If I have books and creative supplies, I can spend hours and days all by myself (well, just me and God) and not fall into a messy psychological pit.<br /><br />10) One of my big dreams in life is to have a book published that combines the best of zines, art journaling and memoir, that is autobiographical, yet also instructional for others who want to chronicle their own lives, experiences and mental breakdowns.<br /><br />11) One of these years I want to go the entire year without buying anything but necessities.<br /><br />12) The writing style I most admire is hysterically funny and deeply profound, often in the same sentence.<br /><br />13) My faith in God and my understanding of the Gospel has increased greatly as I have distanced myself from "lifestyle Christianity"...that pretty much means letting go of the idea that anything external is the "true mark" of a Christian. This means I totally affirm that you can be living a life that is pleasing to God while you are (for example): A working woman on the pill, married to a long-haired gun-control activist who wears black nail polish, with whom you have 2 planned children who go to public school, who dresses in men's style clothes, has 40 tattoos, a tongue piercing, super-short purple hair, and who simultaneously listens to Ozzy Osbourne, reads Harry Potter and switches between episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which you watch while you read Sojourners magazine and post online about why you are voting for Obama. Again.<br /><br />14) I spent years amassing books, and in fact wanted to eventually have enough to consider running a homeschool lending library. Instead, I am now slowly getting rid of books, either giving them away or cutting them up. I still have over 1000, though, and will probably always hover around that number.<br /><br />15) I hate almost all board-type games, with the exception of Scrabble, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sequence and Taboo. Despite not hating these games, I would be perfectly happy if I never played any of them again. Except maybe Taboo.<br /><br />16) I absolutely hate the heat, despite living in a state with some of the hottest, longest summers in the country. Hating the heat used to also equate with not getting cold when most other people did, but that has changed...not sure if it is my aging bones, but I now wear sweaters and socks when I would not have done so 3 years ago.<br /><br />17) When I am going to sleep, if I start to drift off and am awakened from that twilight state, I almost always find myself in some kind of mild panic about death, just it's very existence, or my personal death or the possible deaths of anyone in my life, which of course could occur at any moment. I have always wondered why this happens almost exclusively at that time, and I would love to commission a psychological study to see if that is common...I figure that the most prevalent unconscious fear of human beings is death, so it makes sense that the fear might reside in that place that is the bridge between the conscious and unconscious.<br /><br />18) I hate all soda, always have. Also all juice. I only drink water or strong unsweetened iced tea. I also chew lots and lots of ice.<br /><br />19) I also hate cereal.<br /><br />20) I like things to be neat (not that they always are) but am less concerned about clean.<br /><br />21) About 20 years ago I had a series of <a href="http://www.utne.com/2002-07-01/Mind-Body/TheSalon-KeepersCompanion.aspx">Salons</a> at my home. Each time, I mailed a list of potentially controversial questions to a bunch of friends with widely divergent opinions, and we met at my home one evening (over various snacks) to discuss our thoughts about the issues. I think I still have my original Salon invitation in the Important Papers of My Life Box. My favorite response was in answer to the question, "Do animals have rights?" Cool intelligent libertarian slowly stands up to his full height of 6'4" or so, and replies, "If animals have rights, let them petition for them." I don't remember how the ardent flower-child, vegetarian, animal lover responded to this.<br /><br />22) If I could only grab one non-sentient thing in the event of a fire, the Important Papers of My Life Box would be it. It contains every letter I have written since I started writing on a computer, plus all my zines and blog writings, which all include pictures of me and my family over the years. There are also a few letters from others that are important to me. I would hope I could also grab my boxes and hard drives full of pictures, as well as my art journals, but if I couldn't, the Important Papers box would give me a little bit of everything. I hope my grandchildren will find it interesting after I have gone to Glory, but I also try to accept that it may just be some boring antiquated stuff that winds up in an attic or used as kindling. I revisit my past self a few times a year by going through this box.<br /><br />23) One of the things I miss in this season of having lots of young children (besides regular periods of solitude and silence) is "the cultural things"...like Salons, museums, long philosophical discussions in coffeehouses over quadruple espressos. I know lots of people either find babysitters and do these things, or find ways they can do them WITH the kids, but neither option really works for me. Being able to easily participate in things like that will be some compensation when there are no more sweet, warm little babies around.<br /><br />24) All of my favorite meals include chicken, and almost always have a fried component - not necessarily the chicken.<br /><br />25) My Inner Hermit gets really stressed and nervous when I have any kind of plan to get together with people. Even my very favorite people. Even my very favorite activities with my very favorite people. I have to drag her, kicking and screaming, out of the cave, and she always tries to convince me I need to find a way out of every. single. social. engagement. Sometimes she wins.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-45404883443723176142012-01-01T07:02:00.000-08:002012-01-02T21:49:28.919-08:00Obligatory (and Very Long) New Year PostI don't make resolutions anymore. For me, resolutions have always been the first step towards everyone's favorite town of Failureville...though I always think I am turning onto the fabled Road of Change, or the Boulevard of Betterment, or the Avenue of Success. Readers of this blog will know that shunning resolutions absolutely does not mean I am satisfied with my life how it is. I am the Queen of Dissatisfaction, always either striving mightily to improve (if I feel strong and energetic) or feeling guilty for lack of improvement (if I am feeling weak and discouraged). What I have learned is that when the stress and pressure to change is intense, that is the best time to step back and do, well, absolutely nothing about It. Whatever It is. But when I am feeling magnanimous and benevolent toward myself, I can usually make some strides forward. I ALWAYS have a huge list of goals or objectives I can choose from right in my head. I just try to remember I need to avoid the dreaded mindset of perfectionism.<br /><br />This is at least part of the current List In My Head:<br /><br />- Get kids back into doing their chores without being asked. I gave them an allowance for doing it WITHOUT being reminded, because I am so not into the Drill Sergeant Thing. It went well for several months, then I found myself needing to remind. So out went the allowance. That was, as you can imagine, not much of an incentive. So, my new incentive idea is to have them pay ME, or rather, pay a jar (whose contents will eventually be used in some charitable way) if they don't do the chores. So, in the morning, if I see the previous evening's chores have not been done, I will hear the sweet tinkle of coinage landing in the jar...insert evil laugh and appropriate hand-wringing. Of course, the chores will have to be done anyway. Insert more evil cackling. The chore lists need some revamping, which is what I actually need to DO in this area.<br /><br />- Keep my creative life alive by doing small things wherever they will fit into daily life...for example, I have literally hundreds of books that are collage fodder. I usually just pick up a book and start flipping through it when I am making an art journal page or something, but I would really like to have stuff already cut and prepped in some way beforehand. Browsing through books and cutting things out is something I can do when I am doing something like re-watching Buffy with Husband. In the most recent issue of <a href="http://www.stampington.com/artjournaling/">Art Journaling magazine</a> I saw some pages where the artist took <a href="http://www.squidoo.com/inchies">inchies</a> or twinchies (just like inchies, only 2" square) and used each one as a "day" in a calendar-type page...she wrote whatever small amount of info, a thought, memory, experience, or whatever would fit, and then attached them in the journal. I might try this with twinchies, and attach them in a way so they can fold out like a page and so have writing on both sides. That is definitely a small thing which would add up to something bigger over time.<br /><br />- Continue walking slowly but steadily along Sanctification Trail. I am so over trying to incorporate any impressive "spiritual disciplines" into my life. My goal is simply to make a habit of reading the Bible and praying in a more casual, immediate fashion. Today I started this <a href="http://www.challies.com/sites/all/files/attachments/professor-grant-horners-bible-reading-system.pdf">Bible reading plan</a>. The basic format has you reading 10 chapters a day from 10 different portions of the Bible, with the main goal at first being to get you in the habit of reading, and then to help you see Scripture interpreting Scripture. From the PDF of the program:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Since the lists vary in length, the readings begin interweaving in constantly changing ways. You will NEVER read the same set of ten chapters together again! Every year you’ll read through all the Gospels four times, the Pentateuch twice,Paul’s le tters 4-5 times each, the OT wisdom literature six times, all the Psalms at least twice, all the Proverbs as well as Acts a dozen times, and all the way through the OT History and Prophetic books about 1 ½ times. Since the interweaving is constantly changing, you will experience the Bible commenting on itself in constantly changing ways -- the Reformer's principle of 'scriptura interpretans scripturam' --'scripture interpreting scripture' IN ACTION!</span><br /><br />In the past, I have always thought that simply reading the Bible wasn't enough - there had to be in-depth study of Hebrew and Greek words, much use of concordances, etc. But God has said that His Word will not return to Him void, so I am going to trust Him on that and just read in this way, like I would read anything.<br /><br />I recently realized that just as I am very guarded and less than honest about my true self and feelings with most other people, I am the same way with God. Which is totally stupid, of course, since God knows us inside and out. But this tendency of mine is not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but rather because I have trust issues. After reading a book by <a href="http://www.newwayministries.org/larrycrabb.php">Larry Crabb</a> (that much-maligned-in-some-Christian-circles psychologist) I understood that even though God knows everything about me before I tell Him, it does something important for my "relationship" with God if I am honest and talk with Him like I would any trusted friend. For me, it's too easy to have only the "reverence" part down, which can lead to distance, aloofness and cold, stilted prayers. I also think this unwillingness to really admit what I am going through existentially to God has a part in my struggle with Hyper-Calvinistic-Stoic-Que-Sera-Sera type thinking. I know God is there and that He is sovereign. But I don't always maintain a heart level belief that my my relationship with God goes beyond Creator and Creature, I find myself not truly seeking or asking after Him, Himself - rather I maintain a respectful distance and stiff-upper-lip kind of acceptance about my inner and outer life, like a good Creature should do.<br /><br />I have read several Christian books recently, and a few ideas popped up in all of them. The main thing I took away from them was that what we most need to strive for is valuing God for Himself, and not for His blessings in this life, and the importance and benefit of practicing the presence of God where we are. This is something we can do in every situation. We don't have to have impressive and dynamic spiritual disciplines in place. We don't need to have warm, fuzzy feelings toward God. In fact, Larry Crabb especially made the point that instead of pretending that we have a heart for God, that we value Him above all things, we need to admit to Him that we in fact DO NOT, and then we can go forward, desiring to desire...and even that is proof of our regeneration.<br /><br />I have noticed that we can take our natural human tendencies and use them to practice His presence. You know how you basically have a running monologue in your head all the time? How about those conversations you have with people that you would probably not have in real life - the things you should have said, or would say if you were brave enough. And all those conflicting desires, frustrations, angers, fears and resentments hanging out in there? Think how awful you feel when you are upset or angry or whatever, and you try to keep it all inside, pretend it's all fine. What I've always done is skip sharing with God what I am really experiencing. I think I shouldn't be feeling any of this stuff anyway, it just proves my lack of sanctification, right...so I just skip right to a pious sounding prayer about whatever it is, wrapping it up in some neat little platitude. But doing that doesn't seem to help with the real issue, which is most often me, living my life for me, thinking about me, me, me all the time. It just allows all that whirlwind of mind to become ingrained into deeper negative neural pathways...and baby, my negative neural pathways are wicked deep. But I can think these same types of thoughts, and instead share them with God. This kind of diffuses it all. It renews my mind, because I begin to see it all for what it is, then I see God for what He is, which is ever merciful to me, a sinner.<br /><br />This is all easy enough to talk about, but it's hard to practice the presence of God when you are in one of those days, weeks, months or years when you don't feel that presence anywhere. Your life is boring, or kinda depressing, or tedious, or lonely or annoying...and how about when it's actually tragic, totally falling apart and full of searing pain? I think you go about it the same way if you can. But if you just can't, if you are numb, or spiritually cold, or full of doubts...I think hanging onto God by the proverbial skin of your teeth counts, kinda like Frodo hangs there over the fiery chasm with his finger bitten off.<br /><br />Another thing that popped up in all the books was the idea of the two different kinds of time - chronos time and kairos time. Chronos time is clock time, minutes, hours, days...the stuff that can drag, that mocks us for being late, the realm of the schedule, the plan, the rush and the hub-bub of life. Kairos time is the Moments, when time almost stops, when we feel the weight of life. Eternity breaks in somehow. Or we really experience beauty. We see our new baby for the first time after the struggle of labor, or sit by the deathbed of someone we love, seeing them for the last time. We might just be peeling potatoes, but for some reason we are paying attention. We notice the light on the water in the pot, we feel the heft of the potato, see the peels falling under our knife, and we suddenly realize that We Are Living, and it is amazing. This is an experience that we all share as human beings, and is not limited to believers - I think it is a manifestation of having eternity placed in our hearts. I don't know if we will experience more moments like this as we become more adept at practicing God's presence, but in those times when I am trying to just Be Here Now, I do catch more glimpses. Learning to live in the moment has been one of my resolutions for many years, and I am not sure if I am any better at it now, than I was 20 years ago. But it is something I will keep desiring, and I know that I will eventually attain it in Glory, even if I continue to struggle with it here.<br /><br />4) Fitness/Health/Vanity-wise, I want to continue towards being a physically strong, somewhat slim and lean Happy Eater...meaning, a person who is never on a diet, who does not see food as good or bad, who eats in a way that she enjoys and which makes her feel good. I lost 35 lbs that way, even though I did not realize what I was doing exactly. I want to keep refining my eating by continuing to cut out foods I totally do not care about, so I can have lots of room for foods I do care about.<br /><br />I care passionately about:<br /><br />full fat Greek yogurt with maple syrup, 85% chocolate with peanut butter, basic salads, chicken (including fried), tomatillo salsa, hazelnuts, pecans and almonds, cafe lattes, whole grain fresh corn tortillas, pepper jack cheese, frozen wild blueberries, homemade chicken soup, potatoes, butter, olive oil, fresh pecorino romano cheese, italian sausage, stove-popped popcorn with seasoning salt, ginger snaps from the Whole Foods bulk section, natural deli turkey from Central Market and also this totally nummy salami from there.<br /><br />I care moderately about:<br /><br />eggs, pasta, fresh hearth-baked breads (current fave rosemary bread with a salted top), brown rice and oats, fajita meat and chuck roasts, occasional high-quality potato chips, occasional homemade pizza, occasional homemade baked goods - favorites being pumpkin bread, cheesecake, pound cake and shortbread cookies with nuts and anything made with almond paste.<br /><br />I totally do not care about:<br /><br />ground beef of any kind, pancakes, soda, any kind of juice, mainstream candy bars, any condiments except salsa, any non-bakery breads in a bag, boxed crackers, any cereal except the occasional Kashi Go-Lean in yogurt, tortilla chips, cheese puffs and most other chips, dips, beans, cooked vegetables, almost all casseroles, store-bought desserts of any kind except for those nummy frozen eclairs.<br /><br />I am 43 now, and by the time I hit 45 I would like to be somewhat lean and muscular but not ripped. At this point I am losing weight fairly slowly but steadily, but I am still nursing - nursing seems to help drop weight at first, but in my experience as an extended nurser, after a while it really causes you to hang on to the last pounds. I want to incorporate more intermittent fasting and shorter eating windows, I like to vary how much I eat day to day instead of trying to keep a steady calorie thing going. It works much better to eat less on the days you are busy or don't really care about food, so you can eat more on the days it means more for some reason...you make your favorite meal that you love to scarf down, you need to eat for comfort, etc. I would also like to become consistent with taking a few supplements.<br /><br />On the exercise front, my only focus these days is lifting heavy weights 2 or 3x per week. I have been neglecting my flexibility and other restorative physical things, so I would like to add more of that as BabyTime becomes less demanding. My main focus is my shoulders, my back and my rear end. My shoulders look good VERY quickly and easily, my back is where my most hated fat lives, and my natural buns tend towards the flat. Deadlifts with about 60 lbs and dumbbell swings with 30 lbs seem to be shaping "up" the rear, but there is more fat to banish before my back looks like I want it to. I am not super concerned about my abs - I have no desire for a 6 pack or any pack. Just not having a super lot of fat there and having a strong functional core is my goal. I am wide waisted anyway, basically straight up and down if I am fit, with wide shoulders, hardly any hips and slim and muscular legs and arms.<br /><br />Gotta wind this up...so here are a few other things that float around in my head as possibly worthwhile things to spend time on this year, but no pressure from myself to actually do:<br /><br />1) Going through the two JINORMOUS bins of kid's drawings and making a huge collage with the best of them on a big canvas...there are some pretty impressive ones<br /><br />2) Make a prototype for my book<br /><br />3) Get some digital pictures PRINTED. I have 8 years worth and have never had a single one printed<br /><br />4) Try to learn to take decent photos with at least a somewhat artistic look<br /><br />I think that's enough for at least a year.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-68201413009699361362011-12-07T11:02:00.000-08:002011-12-07T12:32:30.049-08:00What Have I Done Today?Since I have been going all LoserLady recently, I am going to fall back on one of my techniques to get rid of her - to look at what I have actually accomplished rather than at all the things left undone. It usually sends her on a somewhat brief hiatus, because in hindsight things look less failureish.<br /><br />Got up at 7am. Today I have, by now at 2:30pm:<br /><br />- Drunk cafe latte<br />- Eaten one slice of awesome rye toast<br />- Read my morning forums - Happy Eaters, Video Fitness, Television Without Pity Dexter Forum, FB, Pinterest<br />- Taken one load of laundry out of the dryer, folded it and put another load in the washer. Did not put folded load away.<br />- Made a pound cake for Moppet 3's birthday party tomorrow<br />- Made pasta sauce with Italian sausage, wore Baby in sling to get her to sleep while doing this<br />- Ate said sauce with garden rotini and 2 raw celery sticks<br />- Lifted weights in kitchen while waiting for pound cake to be done cooking - 15 lbs: 2 sets of 20 shoulder press, 2 sets of 16 upright row, 3 hand positions of 16 reps lat row - stationary lunges, curtsy lunges, basic squat (30 lb total). 12 lb: 16 reps in and out shoulder flyes, 16 triceps kickbacks, 16 single arm overhead triceps press, biceps curls in 3 hand positions. bodyweight: 2 sets 15 big-girl pushups, 60 second plank lowering alternate knees to floor, triceps dips, barre-style leg raises in 3 positions, 30 reps each. Basic quick stretch.<br />- Washed accumulated bowls and pans from cake and lunch<br />- Will take Moppet 1 to an almost 2 hour dance class around 3:30, wait for her at a Burger King Playland with other 4 Moppets, and then will be home around 6:30 (Husband usually takes her, but is on a big job and so is not available)<br /> - Is not planning on doing anything else productive this evening. Will probably play a new game with the family, the hopefully watch Firefly. Will have Moppets do their living room and kitchen chores, will eat regular bedtime snack of full-fat Greek yogurt, Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal and frozen wild blueberries, then will undoubtedly be ready for bed, and will hopefully be mentally prepared 10am birthday party in the morning.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-27861132486309932472011-12-02T06:10:00.000-08:002011-12-03T07:00:10.738-08:00In Which Several of My Alter-Egos Duke It Out<span style="font-weight: bold;">There once was a gal whose mentality</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Tended towards split personality.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Alter-egos she juggled, and constantly struggled</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />To maintain just a base functionality.</span><br /><br />Like some people are blown around with every wind of doctrine, I am sorry to admit that I am blown around on every gust of emotion - mine and others'. I am way too affected not only by my own emotional swings, but I am hyper-sensitive to the moods of everyone else in the house.<br /><br />When someone in my charge is less than satisfied with life, my alter-ego, LoserLady, dons her cape. LoserLady's Unsuperpower is feeling like a total failure whenever anything remotely within her sphere of influence is imperfect. This may seem like low self-esteem, but it really isn't. When she is not dealing with other people in one of her life roles, she morphs into another personality, maybe one with a real Superpower. And it isn't humility, either, because humble people, it is said, don't think less of themselves, but rather think of themselves less.<br /><br />When LoserLady is on patrol, everything is about her.<br /><br />As her therapist, I am aware that in some ways this Unsuperpower developed because she was reared on a far distant planet, fed a diet of Abandonment Soup, Insecurity Crackers and Fear Pudding. She eats better now, but has many lingering problems from this malnourishment...<br /><br />Okay, I HATE allegory and it is proof that rapidwriting taps into oft unused brain cells if I drifted into it. But the point is that I am tired of LoserLady and want the equivalent of a Buffy Vamp Stake to do her in...I just don't know what weapon would work. LoserLady's arch nemesis (who seems healthier but really isn't) is Self-Improvementista, and she is always trying to slay LoserLady by choking her with wadded up plans and schedules shoved down her throat, or hitting her on the head with big, heavy books on how to better yourself. So far, this has failed and LoserLady lives on.<br /><br />Recently I have been experiencing a queer lack of drive and/or ambition I thought was a manifestation of LoserLady (or maybe her frienemy DiscouragementDiva) but now I am not sure, after I read this in a <a href="http://jollyblogger.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/thank-you/">blog post</a> (by a man who happens to have Stage IV cancer) today:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Most of us are mediocre, make unique contributions only in the peculiar ways we screw things up, and could easily be replaced as husband, father or employee, by somebody better suited to the task...As I look round the church, it strikes me that this zen-like condition of a lack of ambition is much to be desired because far too many Christians have senses of destiny which verge on the messianic. The confidence that the Lord has a special plan and purpose just for them shapes the way they act and move. Now, just for the record, I am a good Calvinist, and I certainly believe each individual has a destiny; what concerns me is the way in which our tendency to think of ourselves as special and unique (which we all are in some ways – D.N.A. etc.) bleeds over into a sense of special destiny whereby the future, or at least the future of myself, comes to be the priority and to trump all else."<br /><br /></span>Despite being quite lazy in lots of ways, I have always been a sporadically productive person of an artistic and somewhat visionary bent, and I do like to help and encourage people in that area, as you probably know. I have all kinds of plans and ideas for things I would like to do or study or accomplish at some point in my life, but lately I have been wondering what the point of any of that is. At times, those thoughts come when LoserLady is visiting, or I assume it's just creative block or whatever, and that it will pass. There is also the fact that basic day-to-day tasks keep me busy and make me tired and so television sounds much more appealing than dragging out and cleaning up paint.<br /><br />But then there is this underlying sense that nothing I have done or will do is really all that earth-shatteringly important, and I say this in the most self-loving of ways. Even though I have several negative and unmotivational alter-egos who haunt me, I usually think I'm a fairly likable and intelligent person with a somewhat interesting past and present life, and a moderate amount of wisdom that might conceivably be used to help others, make them laugh, or teach them something if I happened to translate it into a book or an art workshop or whatever. But there is nothing I could offer that is so unique that absolutely no one else could offer a reasonable facsimile. Plus, I still struggle to know whether I am using whatever talents I have for God's glory or my own 15 minutes of fame. I don't know how to tell.<br /><br />Recently I have been considering giving up (for an indeterminate time) my grand plans and the work I do which is geared somewhat toward fulfilling them. I want to do this because:<br /><br />1) A lot of the stress in my life comes from trying to juggle the daily tasks of wife and motherhood with "the other stuff"...my focus is divided and I can't give either one my full attention. But the artwork doesn't care one way or another if I neglect it, and it will always be there. The people in my life do suffer when I feel resentful because I am being disturbed in the middle of something. Because I become more or less unpleasant, depending on how resentful I feel. This is not to say that I will never write or paint or whatever, but for now I want to let go of the struggle I have trying to carve out the time for it.<br /><br />This leads into the next reason:<br /><br />2) My spiritual life has been in the proverbial toilet for a long, long time, and I know my more annoying alter-egos thrive on that fact. I realize we can't really know what God wants us to do with our lives in detail - we know that whatever is lawful is fine to pursue. But this past week SelfImprovementista has been reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/First-Things-Stephen-R-Covey/dp/0684802031/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322882432&sr=1-1">First Things First</a>, and a kinda cliche phrase stood out to her - The Good Can be the Enemy Of the Best. All the creative stuff a few of my other alter-egos like to do are good things, but I know I will never get anywhere with them while I put more focus on them than the eternal things. I could create the most beautiful and emotionally resonant art journals in the world, but when my flesh has gone to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_farm">The Body Farm</a>, they might, at best, be somewhat interesting to my grandchildren. But apart from that, they will pass into obscurity, which is as it should be.<br /><br />I am not planning on "fasting" from my creative pursuits for spiritual reasons per se, like a personal Autumn Lent. But I feel burdended so much of the time trying to get so many things done, and the burden does not feel light at all. Even though I am not a Career Woman, I am striving to "fit it all in". Even when I succeed in doing that, you know what your clothes look like when you unpack, if you just shoved everything, way too much of it, into the suitcase. I want to free up some space in the suitcase of my life, and see if God will work in an obvious way to fill it. I am sure he won't charge 50 bucks a bag like the airlines do, no matter how much it ends up weighing.<br /><br />He might give me a nice stretch of time and a burst of clarity and talent to paint a huge canvas next week. I have no idea. But I don't want to be trying to scratch out that time with my ineffective little chicken claws, squinting down at the earth and trying to decide whether the corn or the grubs would be more tasty.<br /><br />I'm not sure of the "official" meaning of Revelation 2:17, "<span class="woj">I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it." But I know that in other contexts God gives people new names when He lets them in on at least a bit of the future He has planned for them. Jacob literally wrestled with God before he got his new name, but I am too tired for wrestling. I have named every one of my alter-egos so far, but I still don't know the Real Name of my primary self. I do know that whatever her name turns out to be, what she ultimately wants is to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant".<br /><br />Since I don't know if or where any of my talents or plans fit into the pursuit of that goal, I am just going to loosen my grip on all of them, and see what happens. Believe it or not, relinquishment is the only thing I haven't tried in my personal quest, despite knowing that in God's kingdom, the maxim to follow for discovering ourselves is Finders Weepers, Losers Keepers.<br /></span>Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-56461885064914659502011-11-08T15:25:00.000-08:002011-11-08T17:38:44.323-08:00Non-Psychological Rapidwrite, Part 2 - A Project I Would Like to UndertakeI have done a lot of different types of art and craft over the years. Some things I just dabbled in for a while, and either decided I didn't love it...or maybe I did love it, but relegated it to some future decade (God Willing) - because there are, after all, only twenty-four hours in a day. I use the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">internet</span> as much as the next gal, but I still love most the things that are made with the hands, and ideas contained on real paper...I used to be really into "promoting" those things online (with blogging, an online storefront, etc), but I grew weary. Maintaining stuff like that is a lot of work and takes more time and energy than I have. But I think I am going to make a video, or a few short videos, showing the different non-virtual, tactile things I have done over the past two decades...It has taken two decades to create it all because there is so much else in life that kinda needs to be done.<br /><br />But I do want to show people who might want to be more creative - but are too intimidated or feel too busy or whatever - that even with all the other things we have to do, if we do a little bit of It (whatever It is) over a long period of time, we will eventually have a lot to show for it. I seem to go through phases of art-making and writing, and then find myself backing off from it for a while...even with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">lotsa</span> breaks, I have spent a little or a lot of time time doing these things: embroidery. crazy quilting. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dollmaking</span>. card and envelope making. drawing comics, bookbinding. scribing the Bible. writing letters and journals by hand. and using desktop publishing, art <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">journaling</span>, publishing zines under three mastheads...in addition to spending lots of time sitting on my rear watching television, reading gruesome crime novels (with some good non-fiction stuff and literature occasionally thrown in), exercising, being depressed and/or discouraged, praying less than I should, procrastinating about cleaning, cooking and other housekeeping chores, while ironically and simultaneously spending YEARS trying to make a pizza that I was totally happy with.<br /><br />One thing I have never done is photography (apart from many badly composed digital camera shots, too many to ever sort through before I am in my dotage) or movie making. I got a book at the library called<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shoot-Video-That-Doesnt-Suck/product-reviews/0761163239/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1"> Shoot Video That Doesn't Suck</a>, plus I have a daughter who likes to make and edit movies. But it is still <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">waaaaaaay</span> out of my comfort zone to try to create an interesting piece of film, and also to be in front of a camera, especially TALKING, for any length of time. So, I don't know when this will happen, or even if it will...but I am going to read the book and also gather together my stuff for this possible online Show and Tell.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-59300484881454996842011-11-07T06:39:00.001-08:002011-11-07T20:41:37.276-08:00Totally Non-Psychological Rapidwrite Part 1...American WastelandI am going to write a series of non-psychological stream-of-consciousness blog entries. No naval gazing, just things that don't have much to do with my Inner Landscape - thoughts about books I am reading, projects I am doing or would like to do...more tangible things and living in the Outer World. Sometimes I've just gotta take a vacation outside my own head, although it will be obvious this comes out of my head sans any editing ;-)<br /><br />In the past week I have read a few books...let's see if I can remember what they are without getting up...<a href="http://www.amazon.com/American-Wasteland-America-Throws-Nearly/dp/B0055X5OK8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320677183&sr=1-1">American Wasteland</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Precious-Blood-Jonathan-Hayes/dp/0060736674/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320677412&sr=8-1">Precious Blood</a>, and I just started <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Five-Views-Gospel-Walter-Kaiser/dp/0310212715/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320678312&sr=8-1">Five Views on Law and Gospel</a>. American Wasteland is my favorite kind of non-fiction book...something about an interpersonal/social issue that may or may not be political, written in an easily readable style with appropriate humor (often sarcastic or ironic). Non-Sentimental-Pathos is also welcome. Wasting food is something I feel guilty about, but I've never really TRIED to reduce it. This book really hit home the fact that throwing away food is like throwing away money. There are so many reasons I waste food - sometimes it is laziness, other times lack of ideas how to use what I have on hand, or I don't have a real plan for managing leftovers, etc. We shop at a scratch and dent, or seconds, grocery store sometimes, but I have realized that a lot of food from there gets wasted because 1) it is more likely to actually be stale since lots of the stuff there is close to the best-by date 2) it is often an off-brand that just isn't very good and 3) we can just buy more than we can reasonably eat because the prices are good...but even if something costs only 1.00 or so per item on average, if even 10% of what I buy gets tossed out, that adds up to a lot of money over the course of a year. The author, Jonathan Bloom, also states that the less varied your diet is, the less you waste...that is kinda good news for me, because I am not a very adventurous eater, and a lot of my struggle with cooking comes from feeling like I "should" cook a huge variety of different meals and lots of components within meals. I saw when we were camping that cooking was easier when there were fewer choices to make...the night before we came home, we didn't have lots of food left, but I made a meal of oatmeal, sauteed green apples with pecans, and fried leftover baked potatoes and onions...yeah, it was high <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">carb</span>, but it was not horrible nutritionally and it all tasted good together, and there was no hand-wringing involved, with me bemoaning my not-well-planned-and-balanced meal. The majority of this book is about food waste throughout the entire food cycle, from farm to store to restaurant or home, and the focus is not clever tips to cut food waste at home. It was a sobering look at how our prosperity has made us immune to the real value of food, and how our Martha Stewart ideas of beauty in the kitchen lead us to reject imperfect produce or crushed boxes, and how our paranoia about safety keeps supermarkets and restaurants from donating tons and tons of perfectly good food to food banks, charities, etc. We just don't know how good we have it...one of the people interviewed for the book thought that in a way, living through a real financial depression would be good for us, because it would shock us out of our mentality that just about everything is easily disposable because there will always be more where that came from.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-34844295142745549972011-10-21T18:35:00.000-07:002011-10-21T20:42:12.255-07:00Friday Before-Art RapidwriteI am planning on going into my art room to work on some cereal-box journal pages after Grown Moppet finishes watching Supernatural. Since I always struggle whether I "should" be doing written or art journaling (tending to negelct one or the other at any given time) I figured I could write here for 30 minutes then move into the studio to do something a little more hands-on. Moppet 5 is asleep, which is good when I look at it from the vantage point of Right Now...it will not feel so good tomorrow, when she wakes up earlier than I want to get out of bed! Ooops, plans have changed. Husband just informed me that he and all 3 middle Moppets are sleeping out in the tent tonight. That means I will not want to be in my art room, because it is so far away from the bedroom where Moppet 5 is sleeping - she doesn't have a very loud voice and I don't have a baby monitor, so I want to make sure I hear her.<br /><br />I don't feel like dealing with the mess of paints, anyway. I will either sit here at the computer and write or otherwise occupy myself, or sit in the living room and read or actually handwrite in a journal. I have not been dealing with things honestly in my journaling recently - of course, I haven't been journaling much at all due to being on Baby Time...but when when I do I am not getting at the Meat of Things...definitely due to fear and resistance. There is also the fact that I rarely remember to briefly jot down thoughts that are good writing fodder, so when I sit down to write I can choose something and just go with it. I have a lot of these thoughts at night while I lie in bed, since it usually takes me quite a while to fall asleep.<br /><br />I have a desire in my journaling to be kinda raw and totally honest and emotional...the only two art journalers I can think of (whose work is well-known) who seem to get into really primal stuff about themselves and their lives are first, Juliana Coles and to a lesser extent, <a href="http://www.tracibunkers.com/">Traci Bunkers</a>.<a href="http://meandpete.com/id14.html"> Juliana Coles</a> actually has this process she teaches called Extreme Visual Journaling, which deals exclusively with reaching into the depths of yourself. She uses mixed-media journaling with cool psychological techniques like non-dominant handwriting, letter-writing to the self, or to other people living or dead or perhaps only known to you through books they write, etc. I love reading about her process, and would love to create a similar-but-different kind of process one day. But the truth is that I am totally scared of the depths of myself. Not theologically, although I am scared of the depths of myself in that way, too. I mean I Just Don't Want To Deal With It. But journaling doesn't hold long-term interest for me if I stay on a shallower plane.<br /><br />I want to write about all the weird experiences I have had and how they have shaped me. I want to write about all the things that have happened to me that are just like what happens to everyone. I want to simultaneously individuate myself and drown in the Teeming Sea of Humanity.<br /><br />I was just looking at this blog by a woman whose idol is Tasha Tudor, and there were all these poems about nature and quotes from Charlotte Mason, and talk of gardens and canning and the joys of home arts. That is the kind of site I visited a lot from about 2001-2006, and now I can hardly stand to be a click away from one. This is one of the subjects I could really delve into, and I have written a long zine article on the subject - and I was somewhat honest and revealing about the subject in that article. But there was still a bit of the Psychiatrist/Patient dynamic that comes out in a lot of my personal writing...I sound like I am a caring psychiatrist telling an interesting, but somewhat emotionally detached story about a patient. Or a client. Whatever you call people who pay you to listen to them. <br /><br />But I still skirted over how I truly think and feel about the years I spent in the Biblical Womanhood camp. The thoughts and feelings are multilayered and mostly uncomfortable. They go into deep issues of family and relationships and sex and how I relate to God and right down into the ultimate scary questions...What is my purpose here on Earth, what can I expect from life, how can I survive the raw joy and pain of living and dying? When I peel into the onion of my life, every single thing I could possibly write about will eventually ask those same questions, and they are not rhetorical.<br /><br />I am drinking decaf now, strong decaf, but decaf nevertheless. Still, it is only 10:15 and I wanted to do something creative until about midnight. I am starting to feel resistance, just talking about possibly writing something real.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-75951398013879672952011-10-03T22:15:00.000-07:002011-10-03T22:50:02.118-07:00Thoughts Spawned Mostly by Mary Pipher's Autobiography and the Season Premiere of DexterOctober 3, 2011 5:37pm<br /><br />I have been reading Mary <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Pipher's</span> autobiography, and like hearing about most lives, it makes me feel both hopeful and despairing. I see that other people have similar problems to mine, but somehow they have managed to do something (like write a book) with them. Then I look around and wonder when I will ever have time to write uninterrupted, or if I could even sit long enough to write anything more than the swirling thoughts in my head. She is a Buddhist and the subtitle of the book is Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World. I relate to her in her racing mind, her desire to be all things to all people, her need for solitude. I envy her the interesting years she spent as a radical in the Bay Area. I want to look at my own life in this place - where it is horrible hot half the year, which seems to put me in a horrible mood for that long - as a life that is interesting in itself, not just one that might be interesting if I could spend more time writing or creating.<br /><br />There is a lot of focus in Buddhism about being present in the moment, and sometimes I think that my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">introspectiveness</span> and my desire to chronicle what I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">thinking</span> or feeling detracts from that...because I always am focusing on my own mind - the interior landscape - which is occasionally scenic but can also be a lot like driving through the flattest, most boring terrain you can imagine. I rarely notice what is going on around me as far as sights, sounds, etc. I am different from most people I read about in writing or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">journaling</span> who are so inspired and nurtured by nature. I have pretty much zero desire to be in nature. The only nature I crave is fresh air, but I like it to come inside through open windows. I have always said that sitting in front of a large window with a nice view and a computer is my idea of communing with nature. But even in the house, I rarely HEAR things like the fan buzzing, or the computer keys tapping. I don't LOOK at my coffee cup that is green with stylized yellow flowers and orange skeleton leaves, and contains about 1/4 cup of cold coffee. I don't HEAR the rustling of the fairy play tent that I bought for 5.00 at a yard sale. And especially, I have difficulty living peacefully with other people "in the moment".<br /><br />It is so difficult to have 6 people who need me, almost constantly...of course, it's good to be needed....but there being so many needs that are expected to be met by me is not conducive to "being here now"...because there is so much going on in the now I get overstimulated and can't take it all in. Those so-called golden moments of childhood are rare (except with the tiniest of babies)...then I feel guilty that I am not more adept at creating an atmosphere conducive to Ms <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Pipher's</span> definition of "moments". She writes in the book about the difference between minutes and moments...minutes are the kind of linear time in which we live most of our lives, and moments are those few drops of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">timelessness</span>, or sacred time, that come far less frequently. The "peak experiences", which can actually be sorrowful or joyful, but which are somehow transcendent and seem to get at the real meat of what living is, or can be if you are present.<br /><br />What I AM present to, all too often, is the almost constant discomfort in my body..in my left hip, lower back and leg. I know that a lot of that discomfort is caused by stress, and my unwillingness to do restorative things for my body. I get very nervous inside when I think about taking a month or even a week off weightlifting to focus on "only" stretching" or using a foam roller, or doing yoga. I don't want to be a person who is always fighting aging, while at the same time I do want to be a person who ages in the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">best</span> way possible, doing whatever I can to facilitate that. I know that fitness is comprised of strength, endurance and flexibility, but I neglect the flexibility and endurance for the strength training, mostly because of the aesthetic benefits of weights. Then I see something on television, or read something in a book that reminds me that someday I might need real strength, for something really happening in my lives. It might be some kind of crisis or dangerous situation where I need to climb fences or pull myself up through a window - <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">something</span> that requires real strength, not just "muscles".<br /><br />9:17pm<br /><br />Baby is asleep, Husband is reading Zane Grey while Youngest Son lays in bed with him...both middle kids are listening to headphones - Wizard Rock for Eldest Son and Stuart Little for Middle Daughter. I have the new episode of House to watch but am not really chomping at the bit to get to it.<br /><br />A few times recently I have heard ideas like, "You can't really begin to change until you accept yourself as you are now", and I tend to agree with that. It's something I first heard in the Happy Eaters world, regarding weight loss, dieting etc. I am an inveterate self-improver, and I guess Ms. Pipher is, too., but it is a totally different mindset to want to change because said change would make your life better in some way, or help others, or whatever - as opposed to the belief that you are such a failure as you are that you need to change to even be acceptable. One viewpoint is hopeful about yourself and the future, while the other has a desperation behind it. Ms <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Pipher</span> says something to this effect in her book, which has a real focus on self-acceptance and compassion for yourself. What is so interesting is that she says it was when she realized her own innate goodness that she was finally able to accept her shortcomings, whereas I believe I am becoming more accepting of my failures as I internalize the deep theological fact that I am a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">total</span> screw-up by nature, and that even though I am safe before God through Christ, a life with lots of discouragement, frustration, stress, etc. is to be expected in this fallen world. So, we come to the same conclusion (about needing to have compassion on oneself as well as on others), but have different reasons for believing that. She has struggled a lot with guilt, like I have, and her childhood was (of course) different than mine, but definitely odd and unpleasant in a lot of ways. She learned to repress the loneliness and pain that came from having parents who were not very available and/or were emotionally volatile. She came to feel that if she could be strong and competent and care for others' needs, she would be loved, but in doing that she opened herself up to burnout. That is very similar to how I feel. I have also found that my willingness or perhaps even capability to really experience deep emotions is stunted. I know I don't really "feel" the amount or depth of love or compassion for people that I actually possess, and let's not even talk about other, more naturally painful emotions. They are all there, but behind something like that glass in limos and police cars that block sounds between the front and back seats...I m the driver and so I know the little buggers are there, and sometimes they want my attention, but I can't hear them so they are easy to ignore.<br /><br />11:05 pm<br /><br />Half the family is sleeping outside in the tent. I watched House, was not impressed. I have really come to appreciate the weird quirkiness of science fiction, fantasy and other shows that have alternate universes (even if they are only <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">psychological</span> constructs like on Six Feet Under) and your garden-variety drama set in our universe is less interesting than it used to be. The season premiere of Dexter was moderately interesting, but it looks like it will have a religious <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">backstory</span>, and once again I was annoyed than you just can't seem to get a proper presentation of the Christian faith on television - and I am not saying you need a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">proselytizing</span> message, or even a program that "respects" the faith...but really, you have to be somewhat bright to write a television show, and when there are Christian overtones, why can't the writers at least do their homework and get the story right? It's just as easy to be against the ACTUAL gospel as some stupid wrong depiction of it, if that's what you want to do. One of the most common "mistakes" is calling the book of Revelation, Revelations - which is just a stupid error no one should make even if they don't take the faith seriously. In this episode, Dexter asks his friend Angel to explain his faith, and he was able to begin with something true, like "It's all about His sacrifice for us" (good start) but then there was no more content and it all degenerated into "it's just something you feel, you can't explain it", which, of course, makes the Christian character look like an idiot. There have been a lot of shows I have seen that have episodes wherein the characters deal with spiritual issues, but it is always a bunch of what Francis <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Schaeffer</span> called "God-Words"...the use of the word God and other words about the eternal things, which actually have no content <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">behind</span> them, but which are still supposed to give solace and comfort and warm fuzzies about "spirituality". They require the "leap of faith", which is a concept totally foreign to the Scriptures, which tell us to always be ready to give a reason for the hope which is in us, and that the reason is rooted in the eyewitness accounts of the historical works of God in Christ. But then, even despite all these dumb misrepresentations of the faith, some non-Christian writers get the Christian message right and present it allegorically, although they would say they don't respect Christianity - like in Buffy, we learn that love has the effect of disarming hatred, and that salvation from evil requires a sacrifice.<br /><br />Bedtime.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-9936223799963010732011-09-11T20:38:00.000-07:002011-09-11T22:15:18.601-07:0010:39 pm Sunday Rapidwrite, With Paragraph Breaks to Save Your EyesI just realized that I absolutely do not use the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">internet</span> to it's full potential. I have about 5 websites I look at every day, but I rarely use it to really connect with people or learn something. I signed up for an online workshop with one of my favorite artists, <a href="http://joyouslybecoming.typepad.com/">Katie Kendrick</a>...I have been waiting for her to produce one since I first saw her work in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">LK</span> Ludwig's art <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">journaling</span> book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592534260/gryphonsfeath-20">True Vision</a>. There is a yahoo group for sharing artwork and other "community building" stuff, but my Inner Hermit almost always keeps me from participating in those things. That is partly because I do not want to spend lots and lots of time online, and I don't want to get overly caught up in whether anyone comments on my work, etc...I had enough of that in my past blogging days. But I am sure there is also an element of fear involved, an element of not wanting to commit to "doing something" with my creativity. I know I don't have unlimited amounts of time to dedicate to art making, because of daily tasks and duties with a big family, including a newborn - and since I tend towards all-or-nothing thinking I either just let everything else go and do some creative stuff, or else I do nothing except exercise in my art room.<br /><br />For the past few weeks I was in a hormonal depression and I was wondering whether I should just give up on art altogether, because I have a hard enough time dealing with basic cooking and family interaction. I wondered if I was just kidding myself into thinking I am even supposed to be doing any of that "other stuff". Then today the hormones shifted and I felt fine and energetic, and I remembered that today was the last day to sign up for the workshop...I knew I would regret it if I didn't, and I also know that even if I don't have a lot of time to follow the lessons in the 4 week format, I can watch and learn. Even when I am entertaining The Bad Hormones, I am usually aware that they are the cause of my icky mood. That was not always the case - for many years I just thought I was depressed, but I see now that these swings have absolutely no correlation to anything in the outside world...things can be peachy keen in my life, and I still feel like (insert favorite gross substance here). The Mood manifests itself mostly in guilt, insecurity and feelings of extreme fatness. I really, really want to get to the point where I can actually do creative work during those times, either to "work through it", "document it" or just to get my mind off the stupid, sniveling, pathetic misery.<br /><br />Today is September 11<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span>, the iconic 10 year anniversary. I remember where I was and what I was doing, like everyone else, but I don't think my feelings about it are very common. The whole thing is horrifyingly horrific...the photos have the oddly beautiful, haunting quality of tragedy that does what images do best - saying things when words are impossible. But the true horror of it all has almost been lost as it has become so politicized and has stirred up so much hatred, and warfare, and has led to so many more deaths...I just can't stand that. I do happen to be a person who may be missing the patriotism gene, the gene of belonging, of school spirit, etc. To me, this terrible thing has nothing to do with the United States for good or ill, and everything to do with a fallen world, the sinful heart of man, and the foolishness of trusting in man-made edifices or earthly princes. I am so grateful that we attend a church where that was the message today. No flag-waving, no dehumanizing The Enemy...just the pure message of God's sovereignty and our utter security in Him and His never-ending Kingdom, even as the world crumbles. We think this is our world, and so we get angry and frightened when we finally see we have no control over any of it.<br /><br />I drank full-strength coffee today, which I do only about once a month. I can really tell that caffeine is a drug now - that doesn't make it bad, but I appreciate it more now. These days, if I am tired, I take a nap. I am naturally more awake and alert WITHOUT caffeine, and I look back on my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">caffeinated</span> days and see that I THOUGHT my natural state was more tired and sluggish, and I needed the caffeine to feel "normal". Now it's just a cool thing to use once in a while (it's only been about once a month lately, but a few times a week would be fine) to get a little extra enthusiasm going. Like, it would be cool to drink caffeine on days I plan to let the house fall apart and work in the art studio. Back when I was a pot smoker, I wish I would have known to use that in the same way.<br /><br />One thing I keep feeling like I need to do before my True Inner Artist makes her debut, is to come to terms with my own outward appearance. Yes, I want to be lean and have muscles, like this awesome female specimen who is about my body type, but is not so unreasonably thin that she obviously never eats:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vvZDJIyzGus/Tm2N0l9Z7zI/AAAAAAAAAB0/ARJ82F66fqw/s1600/starbuck.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vvZDJIyzGus/Tm2N0l9Z7zI/AAAAAAAAAB0/ARJ82F66fqw/s320/starbuck.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5651329042102218546" border="0" /></a><br />And that is a fine goal and deserves my time and thought, and wouldn't even take all that much work...10 or so pounds and a round of P90x or some other good strength program would do it. But despite how bad or good I actually look or have looked at any given time, I have spent almost all of my life, from even before puberty, being overly concerned about and dissatisfied with my level of beauty and fitness and all that stuff. It used to be about wanting the guys to like me, to make up for my male abandonment issues, but there is none of that motivation anymore at all...but I still spend way too much time thinking about my figure and how it falls short in the aesthetic sense. So, I want to get rid of my fat and at the same time make peace with it. I am sure that is possible, but I am unsure how to go about it. I just know that my desire to be My Authentic Self is stunted until I get at least mostly over this issue. I have thought for a few years that I need to take lots and lots of self-portraits in all kinds of flattering and not-flattering clothes (and lack thereof) poses and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">lightings</span> and just make peace with it all. I want to be able to make art videos or memoir videos and not be concerned about how I look on camera...believe it or not, that is a close second to uncertainty about subject matter as to why I have not done that already.<br /><br />Despite my caffeine, I am starting to get tired now, at 12;15am. I think I will read just a bit in my third <a href="http://www.tanafrench.com/pagesus/books.htm">Tara French</a> novel - all of which are cool crime novels and psychological studies, totally without gratuitous sex and violence - almost unheard of - and then hit the sack.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-36109668292582489802011-07-29T20:50:00.000-07:002011-07-30T21:06:11.452-07:00Post-Pregnancy PonderingsThe house is quiet...Husband took the three loudest middle kids to the store to get new bathing suits for their upcoming swimming lessons. The 17 year old is lounging in a chair, reading Foxtrot. The 5 week old is blissfully napping, after being on a sleep-strike yesterday; if she could walk she would have been on the picket line holding some placard stating her noble reason for refusing to give her poor Mama any rest.<br /><br />I am drinking a half-caff latte, and have been reading a library book called<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Geeks-Shall-Inherit-Earth-Popularity/dp/1401302025"> The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth - Popularity, Quirk Theory and Why Outsiders Thrive After High School</a>. It fits in with my television viewing the past nine months, which consisted partly of Glee and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's interesting to watch shows about high school with my oldest daughter who has never set foot inside one.<br /><br />A scene from Buffy put it this way:<br /><br />Buffy: "How was school today?"<br />Dawn: "Same as usual...a big square building full of boredom and despair."<br /><br />I wish I'd never been inside one myself, although I still have friends I acquired during those days, and since our school was in Southern California, we were spared the big square building part and were able to walk directly outside from our multi-windowed classrooms.<br /><br />I was definitely an outsider, but did not really take full advantage of that status. I didn't "fit in", but I also didn't develop my own personality and interests like I could have. I got involved in certain "odd" pursuits like theater, but I never loved that. I spent too much time thinking about my female insecurities and my mostly nonexistent love life. I am praying that the angst that plagued me for the few years before this last pregnancy does not return, and that middle age can be the unschooling adolescence I never had. My interests haven't changed much over the years, and I wish I had a longer record of my progress in visual arts, or my changing thoughts about politics or faith or psychology from those very earliest days.<br /><br />Despite having quiverful sympathies, I don't think I can go through any more pregnancies and births for both physical and mental reasons. I don't even feel nostalgic or more than a touch melancholy saying that. I got progressively more patient through Moppet 3's early years, but seem to have taken many steps back since that time. I'm in the same ultra-thinly buttered loaf of bread with Bilbo Baggins. My well has run dry because I have had little to no time for solitude, which I need in order to have the energy and strength to take care of the people in my life. This "sounds" selfish, especially from the vantage point of my past self, the Wannabe UberWife and Mother. But underlying this craving for solitude is a true desire to nudge out Guilty, Anxious and Resentful Me, and see more of Patient, Present and Loving Me.<br /><br />The journal always being open on my new pulpit desk is helping. Since I have been doing visual journaling for so long, I am struggling with writing and doodling on a blank white page. It seems "less than" to me, but things I do feeling "less than" is one of the prevailing themes of my life as a perfectionist. But I am ignoring that feeling and am writing several times a day. My writing is messy enough that I don't have to worry about anyone reading what I write...it would not be worth the struggle for most people, I'm sure. My life and thoughts are sometimes mundane and boring and the writing reflects that. But if I write long enough (which is rare, of course - that lack of solitude thing) I will sometimes break through to more interesting stuff and write with more flow and even a bit of beauty or depth.<br /><br />I have always been a crappy goal setter, but a few days ago I wrote down a few things I'd like to do before the end of the year. I am definitely a more visionary type. It's easy for me to visualize things and come up with exciting ideas, but following through is difficult. I'm not a great time manager, I can be easily distracted, I often let my emotions dictate what I am going to do. There is also the practical aspect of not understanding how to set goals. It became a little more clear to me years ago when I read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/0671708635">Seven Habits of Highly Effective People</a>, but <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Creative-Entrepreneur-Visual-Guidebook-Business/dp/1592534597/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312084493&sr=1-1">The Creative Entrepreneur</a> (which is a guide to business planning using visual journaling) helped me understand it best. Understanding it does not mean I have actually made any goals nor achieved any, but hope springs eternal.<br /><br />The author calls goals Objectives, and says that they should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and timebound - acronym SMART. After you determine your objectives, you develop strategies and then tactics. Strategies are how you intend to reach the objective, because there are often several ways to do so - for example, if you are having financial problems, you can 1) make more money by working or investing, and/or you can cut back expenses and spend less. Each of these would have different tactics. Tactics are the specific actions you will take to fulfill the strategies. Isn't this fun? I love all this planning stuff. I have a two-inch stack of cool plans, ideas and schedules I have made for myself, my children or our family over the years, and they have all been grand failures. This doesn't mean I have never accomplished anything, but my path to any accomplishment or finished project or needed change has always been a meandering back road that's not even very scenic.<br /><br />Anyway, here are the objectives in my journal - not all of them have full tactics lists yet. The timetable for these is by December 31:<br /><br />1) Have an Art Journal night for friends at my house<br /><br />- I'm not sure how to go about this one...do I want to teach a "technique" or just put out the supplies and have a free-for-all? Do I want to have actual journaling time and writing prompts, and sharing of writing?<br /><br />I am also considering starting a writing group using the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Journaling-Recording-Journey-Formation/dp/1576831094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312085135&sr=8-1">Spiritual Journaling</a>, but more likely AFTER the first of the year.<br /><br />2) Finish mixed media painting I started at least 5 months ago<br /><br />- Watch art videos for online classes I purchased<br />- Create sketches, find paintings of poses I can use<br /><br />3) Lose enough fat so I am satisfied when I look in the mirror. (I don't have a scale...I estimate I have 7-10 lbs of fat to ditch to get where I'd like). Keep building muscle.<br /><br />- Keep eating intuitively and doing my basic newborn weight workouts every other day until September 20 (when baby will be 3 months old)<br />- If necessary at that time, start using FitDay again to track eating, get new food scale<br />- Go back to full-length DVD workouts at that time<br />- Find a place where I can get my body fat tested, and do so sometime in January...I think I want to be at about 23%<br /><br />4) Have Moppet 3 reading and doing schoolwork<br /><br />- Go back to Alpha-Phonics, do 15-20 minutes 5 days per week<br />- Plan copywork<br />- Have her read aloud 5-10 minutes 5 days per week<br /><br />It's getting late now and I am feeling the tired grumpies creeping in. That's my sign to end this here.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9121001998467348691.post-38393314150269907202011-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:002011-03-24T20:15:25.743-07:00Stuff...Both Literal and FigurativeWhen last I wrote I was in the middle of Fall Housecleaning/rearranging, and now it's Spring Housecleaning/rearranging. I have always been someone who loved to move furniture around because I craved the fresh perspective, but now it is just exhausting. Of course, I was 5 weeks pregnant last time and am 28 weeks pregnant now - so maybe that has something to do with the exhaustion factor, but I'm not sure. Now I just want the peace to actually use the stuff I am moving around...the art supplies and books especially. I know that in this world everything tends towards disorder, but I am starting to feel beaten down by it all.<br /><br />One bright spot is that I am planning on actually hiring someone to come clean my house from top to bottom when I am done with all the sorting and moving of stuff. And this place is dirty from top to bottom. I am not the best housekeeper and cleaner at the best of times, but I have sunk to an all-time low (or the dirt has risen to an all-time high, depending on your perspective). All the floors, sinks, cabinets, appliances, doors, ceiling fans, baseboards...you name it, they are filthy. I will also bring someone in to clean the windows, which is something we have NEVER had done in any of our houses. I have always felt too guilty to have someone come in to clean for me, even once, because I know I "should" be able to take care of it all; if not alone, then with the help of my children. But even when I have been energetic, happy and productive I have never had a really clean house, and I am to the point where I don't care anymore if I ever become good at it.<br /><br />I have spent years trying to make it to the proverbial Proverbs 31 Level of homemaker-ness, but when you read that text you see that she had servants. I don't want and can't afford to have someone come in very often, but I definitely need someone to do it when it gets to this point - I don't have the strength or sanity to even pretend anymore that I can keep up with every housekeeping, homeschooling and relational duty I have as a wife and mother. And you know what? I don't think that when I stand before God, He is going to sternly ask me why my kitchen cupboards had coffee splatters on them. I get so worn out, spending so much time trying to keep up with all the Womanly Tasks (or else feeling guilty that I'm NOT keeping up) that I am neglecting things I truly feel would be more of a blessing to the people in my life.<br /><br />I have friends who are recovering from illnesses and surgeries, and I have not sent them any kind of handmade card or book like I normally do at such times, because I am so behind on household maintenance. There are letters I haven't written, reading practice I have not done with my beginning reader, people I haven't had over for coffee. I have not written in my journal, have exercised less than I like to, and my spiritual life is in the toilet. Something has to give, and sadly, it has been things like that. I would rather hire someone to clean for me every three months than continue to run on a neverending housekeeping treadmill.<br /><br />I remember reading the Mitford series of books, which are pretty annoying for lots of reasons - but I was particularly annoyed when I realized that the only reason the main female character was able to prolifically write and illustrate children's books was because she didn't cook, clean, do laundry or any of that. This is not to say that any of that work is demeaning at all, and it is totally necessary, and I can do it at a basic level, but not more perfectly than that - or everything else suffers, and that is what is happening now. I don't know whether it is my growing family, my aging self or my midlife hormones that have brought me to this point when I see that I will never receive the Susie Homemaker award, and that's okay. Why spend so much time inefficiently struggling to do something that needs more efficiency than I can bring to it?<br /><br />I thought my 40s would naturally be this wonderful time of discovery, prolific creativity and insight. Of course, I am only two years in, but so far those two years have been more discouraging than the last 5 years of my thirties put together. I think it's because I am learning what my limits are and am struggling to accept them. That's humbling. I have always been someone who doesn't want to ask for help. For a long time I thought I didn't need any, and I didn't understand that the resentment and anger I sometimes struggle with is a symptom of the Trying-To-Be-All-Things-To-All-People disease. I don't know if I will ever be totally cured of that, but I am learning to admit that I need help, that I need rest, that I am not very strong at all.<br /><br />A theme I see when I look at the very few posts I have made on this blog is the desire to feel comfortable and accepted when I am Not Doing Anything For Anyone Or Being So Impressive In Some Other Way. My whole life I have felt that I needed to either BE something amazing - either beautiful, brilliant or highly talented (none of which I have ever been) or else always DOING something helpful or productive for people, in order to feel secure. I have seen, though, in these past few years when I have definitely been getting less beautiful, brilliant, talented and productive, that no one has rejected me.<br /><br />After 14 years of being a Christian, all this is helping the gospel to finally reach heart level. If the people in my life don't reject me because I'm not always super impressive, then I can be sure God won't. I have understood that intellectually for a long time, and didn't think I worried much about it. But as I am going through these psychological struggles, I am seeing that I can't read anything theological that isn't about grace. It is the very heart of our faith to admit that we are imperfect in all areas. To the extent that I don't live that out in my life, to the extent that I hide my weakness, and my exhaustion and my sadness, I am denying what God says about me, and I don't receive the rest that is promised to all those who are heavy laden.<br /><br />I will finally admit it. I am heavy laden, and I need that rest. I know that ultimately, that's a spiritual thing. But I'll still be thankful that I can call in the Merry Maids.Samanthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17487059104453559767noreply@blogger.com3