Me: Good evening, and welcome to Alter-Ego Interviews. Tonight we have with us my Inner Feminist and My Inner Proverbs 31 Woman, or should I say lady, hehehe.
Fem: Ya know, C.S. Lewis had it right when he complained about how words become problematic with shifting cultural meanings. He used the word gentleman as an example - it used to be that a gentleman was someone who owned land, so, as Clive said, "one could be both a gentleman and a scoundrel". You can say that the word lady has had the same experience - if a lady is someone who, according to a few definitions, is "a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken" or "a well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior", it might not fit me very well. I am definitely not refined, and I don't mean to be inconsiderate...
Prov:...but you do tend to be tactless unless you are careful. I agree with you, though. Since this show is about our femaleness in relation to our Christian faith, I would have to say that theologically woman is probably the proper term, since it is about creation rather than behavior.
Me: Okay, "gals" (wink at audience) let me introduce you before we get into it. Wow, you have a lot in common...in fact, you seem almost identical on paper. You both came from a Jewish background, got married at 20, have 5 kids who have never been to school, are a "homemaker" without an outside job, are members of an OPC church...
Fem: We also live in the same house and even the same body. That can be challenging (friendly smirk at Prov). But really, I think we work okay together. The problems stem more from the expectations and misunderstandings of "the outside world".
Prov: That's right...we don't seem to fit in anywhere. People who are unbelievers and usually liberals, mostly have knee-jerk, angry reactions when I talk about issues like how sexual freedom has not been all the feminists assumed, especially for women. Or about how actually bearing and nursing multiple children helps prevent breast cancer - that was not received very well in a recent discussion about the Komen foundation defunding Planned Parenthood.
Fem: And I get flak from more conservative Titus 2 folks when I get into discussions about "submission"...just saying that women are not obligated to vote for the same political candidates as their husbands has raised eyebrows, and things I say have definitely sparked comments about how I am trying to "get out" of the idea of the husband's leadership.
Me: Fem, you mention politics...do you two agree or disagree on political issues?
Prov: We definitely agree in that we are apolitical - we don't vote and trust that God will raise up and bring down princes without our help. When we discuss politics, I am probably more likely to seem "conservative" because I will say that certain hot-button issues (like abortion or homosexual practice) are sins...
Fem:..and I agree with Prov about that, but I am likely to seem more truly libertarian or even liberal, on some issues (depending on who is listening to me). I really don't have a problem with, say, the secular State allowing gay marriage. I am really concerned that many, if not most, Christians totally confuse the gospel with conservative morality. And I completely disagree with more theonomic thinkers who believe that the external sins, especially the sexual sins, should be crimes. I do think that abortion should be illegal, but I struggle because I think it is hypocritical to just blame (and prosecute) abortionists when there would be no abortionists if women did not seek abortions, and honestly, I can't see prosecuting women for murder when they have abortions, because the psychological pain is already so great in many women, even women who consistently uphold "choice".
Me: So far, it sounds like you agree about most things...where do you struggle with each other?
Prov: We struggle in determining what is important to do at any given time...a well-known guiding statement in more conservative circles is Elizabeth Eliott's "Do the next thing". I am more likely to think the "next thing" should be some household chore or "experience" with the kids. I worry more about the moral and spiritual and intellectual development of the kids, of the whole family, really. I think that I need to be serving others almost all the time, and I actually feel guilty if I cannot do multiple things for others at the same time...I will feel guilty if I am cooking and the baby is crying, and my husband is doing something like listening to an audiobook - I will think I should hold the baby and cook, because it is my job to make sure my husband has rest. I definitely have more guilt than Fem. Some of this is from my Jewish background, I think (we have that martyr complex going), but most of it came from spending too many years reading books and blogs about being a "godly wife and mother".
Fem: When I think of "Do the next thing", I think I should take some time to do something OTHER than womanly tasks - not just because "I wanna", but because I see that my doing things like that rubs off on my kids, and I think writing and art and reading novels is important. I am so thrilled that my kids make things - just for fun, and also for others. I have heard Prov say that some say that when people (usually your family) see you serve, that will teach them to serve - but she thinks that what it more often does is teach them to be served. But I think that things like doing art and reading really do affect people by osmosis...they see you doing it, and they want to do it too. Maybe not the exact same things, but the process of creative work and thought - both of which are manifestations of God's image in us...and YES, we women are created in God's image in the same way men are.
Me: So, how do you feel in general about male leadership..in the home, in the church, in the public square?
Prov: We agree, believe it or not. We also think it is annoying how many people think that the idea of husbands being the leader of the home translates into women in general being subject to men in general. We have no problem with the offices of pastor and elder being held by men only...all the MEN in the church are also under their authority. I'm pretty sure it was CS Lewis who said (and I paraphrase) that we are all female before God - meaning we are the pursued, the acted-upon. And this doesn't stop God from using female images sometimes to get across something about His nature and our relationship with him - but interestingly, those images are almost exclusively images of motherhood, and even nursing babies!
Fem: My big concern is for women who really are in ugly relationships with their husbands, and who have no recourse because their elders hold to extreme ideas about patriarchy. I also hate the idea that a woman should somehow not deal with her husband's sin against her as she would with anyone - per Matthew 18. Too many people make the authority relationship paramount, when the relationship as Christian to Christian, before God, is foremost.
Me: What about women working, or holding public office, or serving in the military?
Prov: While I would not say that women, particularly wives, working outside the home is a sin, I definitely think that women are better suited to the kind of multitasking, relationally based role of homemaking and childcare. I think God made us that way - that doesn't mean homemaking and motherhood is always a big thrill...
Fem:...gotta interrupt, and say one of my BIG problems is how the books and blogs and catalogs of the "Godly Family" variety are just like every other photoshopped lie we see in modern media. We see perfectly groomed children, husbands who always seem to have enough money to take the family on road trips to homeschool conferences...don't they have to work? Not to mention that while on one hand we hear how a nagging wife is like a drippy faucet or whatever, on the other hand these perfect pictures have a real tendency to make wives discontented with their husbands - most of whom are your garden variety sinners who work all day, come home tired, are hit and miss with family devotions, and whose type of leadership doesn't quite live up to That Godly Patriarch There, the one sitting in his paneled library surrounded by his first editions of the great Puritan writings.
Prov: Back to my point...see, you are kinda inconsiderate with all this interrupting! So, while working outside the home is not a sin, the more women working outside the home translates into fewer full-time homes, which is a tragic thing. Home is definitely one of God's gifts to us, and although making one is as challenging as any other career, the benefits to people just can't be tallied. And I am not talking only homes which are always neat, from which the smell of freshly ground, freshly baked whole-wheat bread is always wafting. My home is certainly not like that! But I do believe that while the Bible absolutely does not forbid wives from working, it definitely promotes the idea that home is important, and that women are the natural makers of homes. One sad thing that has happened as women have gone to work in droves, is that they have basically taken on two full-time jobs - because lotsa women who work still come home and take care of all the stuff they would take care of if they weren't working. So much for equality and egalitarianism.
Fem: I think the whole Godly Family thing has so much allure to people who come from broken homes, especially since it is so often portrayed visually and in print as this glowing, fulfilling lifestyle - PLUS it pleases God. So. Much. I know I looked back on my life with a single mother and multiple step-parents and just wanted something stable, something that had rules and roles which encouraged stability. That subculture also promotes itself as being about purity, which was a big draw for me, since I practically learned to read from looking at the comics in Playboy...and I am only exaggerating slightly. When I was first exposed to, say, Mary Pride, I recoiled because it seemed so oppressive to women, but eventually I was really drawn to it. I was like a junk-food junkie who sees a commercial for a Big Mac and gets right into the car and drives to McDonald's like a zombie seeking brains.
Prov: Hehehehehe, Fem, that reminds me how popular the book Nourishing Traditions is in the Titus 2 subculture, with all it's organ meat recipes! Not saying it is a bad book, but thankfully serving organ meat is not a requirement for being a successful wife and mother!
Me: Before we go on, please give a quick answer to the women in political office and military question...
Prov: Well, both Fem and I are pretty much anti-war, so we are even opposed to men in the military, for the most part. But we would say that while women can be tough and even violent, war is a man's business.
Fem: As far as women in political office, since we are apolitical we really aren't concerned about the gender of senators or even presidents. We just wish more of them, male and female, would simply go home and get real jobs.
Prov: Women in political office is just an extension of the woman as homemaker question. Since I don't think the Bible implies that women in general are under the authority of men in general, and since the Bible actually commands that we be subject to those in authority in the State, if a woman is in that position, God has her there - I know one of the beliefs of the Patriarchy-type folks is that woman in leadership is a way God judges the people, based on a passage in Isaiah...
Fem: ...but I truly believe that the Bible IS to be interpreted culturally sometimes, and especially, to be understood in light of the fact that no nation is Israel, and so trying to impose that kind of structure on modern nations is theologically incorrect. Ooops, more interrupting (sheepish grin at Prov).
Me: One more hot-button question - how do you both feel about birth control? I know it is one of the main tenets of the Titus 2 mindset that God opens and closes the womb, and that trying to mess with what is "God's area" is wrong.
Prov: I totally agree that God opens and closes the womb, and I haven't used birth control since I got married, well, until a few months ago. I have tracked my cycles for years in order to conceive, not to prevent getting pregnant. Even without using birth control it took me 4 years to get pregnant with my first, and then almost 6 years to get pregnant with my second. I have taken various herbs and things to regulate my cycles, have had at least three miscarriages, and now have 5 children from 18-8 months. I know that I personally am uncomfortable with birth control, but just like the wives and jobs issue, we can see that while children are definitely a blessing in the Bible, there is no command that married couples mustn't put any thought into planning their families. But I do think that the family planning mindset has led to a lot of negative thinking about children - assuming wrongly that they are too expensive, too annoying, etc. But my husband is 50 now and has pretty much made clear that he doesn't want any more children. That makes me sad, but at the same time I am 43 and am getting very tired and taking care of this current baby has really worn me out physically. I would always be glad if I found out I was pregnant - and since I believe God DOES open and close the womb, if He has any more planned for us they will indeed make their appearance at the proper time - all I have asked my husband is that neither of us do anything permanent with our fertility...that will happen soon enough with menopause.
Fem: I'm sad at the thought of not having more babies, too...but sometimes I think I hang onto childbearing because as long as I am having babies, I am still "young" and hopefully far from the grave. I also know that babies and young children are a good excuse to not do things, things that are equally good and pleasing to God, things that each of us have unique callings to do. I definitely do not think that bearing and raising children is the only "proper" focus for women. But I do think that it (the whole process of gestating, bearing and raising children) takes a lot of time and energy so it is difficult to do other things at the same time, and really, that is how it should be. I am generally okay with the whole "seasons of life" thing, and as I get older I am seeing the natural end of this season looming ahead, so my thoughts necessarily turn to what comes after.
Me: We are running out of time here. I'm sure we have not covered everything, but to wrap it up I'd like to ask each of you to tell our audience what you see as your strengths and weaknesses in terms of your "roles" and goals. Prov, you go first.
Prov: Okay, I would say that one of my strengths is hospitality. Although it is a struggle for me to be around people all the time (the hardest part of family life by far), I think I am good at inviting people into my home, feeding them, and making them feel comfortable. I am also good at taking care of small babies. Even when I get tired, I find it really satisfying to make a baby feel safe and contented. I really enjoy that the demands of babies are so pure and stem from their real, legitimate needs, so I can meet those needs without resentment - and resentment is one of my weaknesses in terms of my role. I think it is a strength that I can really see the relationship between us and God when I am taking care of a baby...they are so demanding, so exhausting, and can literally give us nothing back intentionally...but we take care of them and love them despite this neediness. I have a lot of logistical weaknesses in my homemaker role - I struggle with time management and am often downright lazy. I struggle with all the demands of cleaning and cooking; I am not great at either one and I get easily stressed out about my performance. I definitely have more weaknesses than strengths, but one strength is that I am committed to the importance of what I do in the home and so I persevere and sometimes see glimmers of "success" in various areas.
Fem: I think one of my biggest strengths is my honesty about life. I believe that struggles, big struggles, are perfectly compatible with the Christian life and I know that I help people breathe a sigh of relief - they know they don't have it all together, and when I write honestly about how hard life is for me they appreciate knowing they are not alone. I also manage to see God working even in most of my big struggles and disappointments, and am good at honestly giving God the glory for any good thing others might see in me. I think for the most part I have learned to be a pretty good communicator with people who disagree with me, although it has taken many years to keep a naturally confrontational and offensive personality in check in those situations. I have bad tendencies towards pride and thinking people are generally idiots, and I can be short tempered for days at a time, and also inappropriately sarcastic. I know the list could go on.
Me: Well, I thank you both for joining me here on Alter-Ego Interviews. I hope we can get together again for more stimulating discussion.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Forty-Three Things About Me, Part One
I make a list like this every few years, whatever my age is at the time. I like looking back on the lists and seeing how I have changed or remained the same over time.
1) If you had told me when I wrote my first list of 100 Things About Me (2003) that I would watch lots of television shows, television shows with vampires (two especially awesome ones) , and television shows with vampires WITH my teenage daughter, I would have totally denied even the possibility.
2) I spend lots of time being generally introspective, but I think very little about my past. Even though a lot of things about my early life have screwed me up long term, I don't really have "regrets". I think that is because I believe that God uses real life to make real people out of us.
3) If I could change anything somewhat trivial about myself, I would suddenly be an adventurous eater and someone who likes to cook.
4) I have been doing some kind of mixed-media art for over 20 years, but I did not know that until about 3 years ago.
5) Despite not being a proponent of "low carbing", I have naturally started eating lots fewer carbs in the past year or so.
6) If I were single and childless, I would want to live in a flat right in the middle of a big cool city with excellent public transportation and lotsa non-corporate shops and restaurants.
7) I would get dreadlocks if I didn't have to shave my head to get rid of them.
8) Having no hair is one of my trivial, yet very scary, fears.
9) Almost all my angst and neurosis and guilt is intertwined with my relation to other people. If I have books and creative supplies, I can spend hours and days all by myself (well, just me and God) and not fall into a messy psychological pit.
10) One of my big dreams in life is to have a book published that combines the best of zines, art journaling and memoir, that is autobiographical, yet also instructional for others who want to chronicle their own lives, experiences and mental breakdowns.
11) One of these years I want to go the entire year without buying anything but necessities.
12) The writing style I most admire is hysterically funny and deeply profound, often in the same sentence.
13) My faith in God and my understanding of the Gospel has increased greatly as I have distanced myself from "lifestyle Christianity"...that pretty much means letting go of the idea that anything external is the "true mark" of a Christian. This means I totally affirm that you can be living a life that is pleasing to God while you are (for example): A working woman on the pill, married to a long-haired gun-control activist who wears black nail polish, with whom you have 2 planned children who go to public school, who dresses in men's style clothes, has 40 tattoos, a tongue piercing, super-short purple hair, and who simultaneously listens to Ozzy Osbourne, reads Harry Potter and switches between episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which you watch while you read Sojourners magazine and post online about why you are voting for Obama. Again.
14) I spent years amassing books, and in fact wanted to eventually have enough to consider running a homeschool lending library. Instead, I am now slowly getting rid of books, either giving them away or cutting them up. I still have over 1000, though, and will probably always hover around that number.
15) I hate almost all board-type games, with the exception of Scrabble, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sequence and Taboo. Despite not hating these games, I would be perfectly happy if I never played any of them again. Except maybe Taboo.
16) I absolutely hate the heat, despite living in a state with some of the hottest, longest summers in the country. Hating the heat used to also equate with not getting cold when most other people did, but that has changed...not sure if it is my aging bones, but I now wear sweaters and socks when I would not have done so 3 years ago.
17) When I am going to sleep, if I start to drift off and am awakened from that twilight state, I almost always find myself in some kind of mild panic about death, just it's very existence, or my personal death or the possible deaths of anyone in my life, which of course could occur at any moment. I have always wondered why this happens almost exclusively at that time, and I would love to commission a psychological study to see if that is common...I figure that the most prevalent unconscious fear of human beings is death, so it makes sense that the fear might reside in that place that is the bridge between the conscious and unconscious.
18) I hate all soda, always have. Also all juice. I only drink water or strong unsweetened iced tea. I also chew lots and lots of ice.
19) I also hate cereal.
20) I like things to be neat (not that they always are) but am less concerned about clean.
21) About 20 years ago I had a series of Salons at my home. Each time, I mailed a list of potentially controversial questions to a bunch of friends with widely divergent opinions, and we met at my home one evening (over various snacks) to discuss our thoughts about the issues. I think I still have my original Salon invitation in the Important Papers of My Life Box. My favorite response was in answer to the question, "Do animals have rights?" Cool intelligent libertarian slowly stands up to his full height of 6'4" or so, and replies, "If animals have rights, let them petition for them." I don't remember how the ardent flower-child, vegetarian, animal lover responded to this.
22) If I could only grab one non-sentient thing in the event of a fire, the Important Papers of My Life Box would be it. It contains every letter I have written since I started writing on a computer, plus all my zines and blog writings, which all include pictures of me and my family over the years. There are also a few letters from others that are important to me. I would hope I could also grab my boxes and hard drives full of pictures, as well as my art journals, but if I couldn't, the Important Papers box would give me a little bit of everything. I hope my grandchildren will find it interesting after I have gone to Glory, but I also try to accept that it may just be some boring antiquated stuff that winds up in an attic or used as kindling. I revisit my past self a few times a year by going through this box.
23) One of the things I miss in this season of having lots of young children (besides regular periods of solitude and silence) is "the cultural things"...like Salons, museums, long philosophical discussions in coffeehouses over quadruple espressos. I know lots of people either find babysitters and do these things, or find ways they can do them WITH the kids, but neither option really works for me. Being able to easily participate in things like that will be some compensation when there are no more sweet, warm little babies around.
24) All of my favorite meals include chicken, and almost always have a fried component - not necessarily the chicken.
25) My Inner Hermit gets really stressed and nervous when I have any kind of plan to get together with people. Even my very favorite people. Even my very favorite activities with my very favorite people. I have to drag her, kicking and screaming, out of the cave, and she always tries to convince me I need to find a way out of every. single. social. engagement. Sometimes she wins.
1) If you had told me when I wrote my first list of 100 Things About Me (2003) that I would watch lots of television shows, television shows with vampires (two especially awesome ones) , and television shows with vampires WITH my teenage daughter, I would have totally denied even the possibility.
2) I spend lots of time being generally introspective, but I think very little about my past. Even though a lot of things about my early life have screwed me up long term, I don't really have "regrets". I think that is because I believe that God uses real life to make real people out of us.
3) If I could change anything somewhat trivial about myself, I would suddenly be an adventurous eater and someone who likes to cook.
4) I have been doing some kind of mixed-media art for over 20 years, but I did not know that until about 3 years ago.
5) Despite not being a proponent of "low carbing", I have naturally started eating lots fewer carbs in the past year or so.
6) If I were single and childless, I would want to live in a flat right in the middle of a big cool city with excellent public transportation and lotsa non-corporate shops and restaurants.
7) I would get dreadlocks if I didn't have to shave my head to get rid of them.
8) Having no hair is one of my trivial, yet very scary, fears.
9) Almost all my angst and neurosis and guilt is intertwined with my relation to other people. If I have books and creative supplies, I can spend hours and days all by myself (well, just me and God) and not fall into a messy psychological pit.
10) One of my big dreams in life is to have a book published that combines the best of zines, art journaling and memoir, that is autobiographical, yet also instructional for others who want to chronicle their own lives, experiences and mental breakdowns.
11) One of these years I want to go the entire year without buying anything but necessities.
12) The writing style I most admire is hysterically funny and deeply profound, often in the same sentence.
13) My faith in God and my understanding of the Gospel has increased greatly as I have distanced myself from "lifestyle Christianity"...that pretty much means letting go of the idea that anything external is the "true mark" of a Christian. This means I totally affirm that you can be living a life that is pleasing to God while you are (for example): A working woman on the pill, married to a long-haired gun-control activist who wears black nail polish, with whom you have 2 planned children who go to public school, who dresses in men's style clothes, has 40 tattoos, a tongue piercing, super-short purple hair, and who simultaneously listens to Ozzy Osbourne, reads Harry Potter and switches between episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which you watch while you read Sojourners magazine and post online about why you are voting for Obama. Again.
14) I spent years amassing books, and in fact wanted to eventually have enough to consider running a homeschool lending library. Instead, I am now slowly getting rid of books, either giving them away or cutting them up. I still have over 1000, though, and will probably always hover around that number.
15) I hate almost all board-type games, with the exception of Scrabble, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sequence and Taboo. Despite not hating these games, I would be perfectly happy if I never played any of them again. Except maybe Taboo.
16) I absolutely hate the heat, despite living in a state with some of the hottest, longest summers in the country. Hating the heat used to also equate with not getting cold when most other people did, but that has changed...not sure if it is my aging bones, but I now wear sweaters and socks when I would not have done so 3 years ago.
17) When I am going to sleep, if I start to drift off and am awakened from that twilight state, I almost always find myself in some kind of mild panic about death, just it's very existence, or my personal death or the possible deaths of anyone in my life, which of course could occur at any moment. I have always wondered why this happens almost exclusively at that time, and I would love to commission a psychological study to see if that is common...I figure that the most prevalent unconscious fear of human beings is death, so it makes sense that the fear might reside in that place that is the bridge between the conscious and unconscious.
18) I hate all soda, always have. Also all juice. I only drink water or strong unsweetened iced tea. I also chew lots and lots of ice.
19) I also hate cereal.
20) I like things to be neat (not that they always are) but am less concerned about clean.
21) About 20 years ago I had a series of Salons at my home. Each time, I mailed a list of potentially controversial questions to a bunch of friends with widely divergent opinions, and we met at my home one evening (over various snacks) to discuss our thoughts about the issues. I think I still have my original Salon invitation in the Important Papers of My Life Box. My favorite response was in answer to the question, "Do animals have rights?" Cool intelligent libertarian slowly stands up to his full height of 6'4" or so, and replies, "If animals have rights, let them petition for them." I don't remember how the ardent flower-child, vegetarian, animal lover responded to this.
22) If I could only grab one non-sentient thing in the event of a fire, the Important Papers of My Life Box would be it. It contains every letter I have written since I started writing on a computer, plus all my zines and blog writings, which all include pictures of me and my family over the years. There are also a few letters from others that are important to me. I would hope I could also grab my boxes and hard drives full of pictures, as well as my art journals, but if I couldn't, the Important Papers box would give me a little bit of everything. I hope my grandchildren will find it interesting after I have gone to Glory, but I also try to accept that it may just be some boring antiquated stuff that winds up in an attic or used as kindling. I revisit my past self a few times a year by going through this box.
23) One of the things I miss in this season of having lots of young children (besides regular periods of solitude and silence) is "the cultural things"...like Salons, museums, long philosophical discussions in coffeehouses over quadruple espressos. I know lots of people either find babysitters and do these things, or find ways they can do them WITH the kids, but neither option really works for me. Being able to easily participate in things like that will be some compensation when there are no more sweet, warm little babies around.
24) All of my favorite meals include chicken, and almost always have a fried component - not necessarily the chicken.
25) My Inner Hermit gets really stressed and nervous when I have any kind of plan to get together with people. Even my very favorite people. Even my very favorite activities with my very favorite people. I have to drag her, kicking and screaming, out of the cave, and she always tries to convince me I need to find a way out of every. single. social. engagement. Sometimes she wins.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Obligatory (and Very Long) New Year Post
I don't make resolutions anymore. For me, resolutions have always been the first step towards everyone's favorite town of Failureville...though I always think I am turning onto the fabled Road of Change, or the Boulevard of Betterment, or the Avenue of Success. Readers of this blog will know that shunning resolutions absolutely does not mean I am satisfied with my life how it is. I am the Queen of Dissatisfaction, always either striving mightily to improve (if I feel strong and energetic) or feeling guilty for lack of improvement (if I am feeling weak and discouraged). What I have learned is that when the stress and pressure to change is intense, that is the best time to step back and do, well, absolutely nothing about It. Whatever It is. But when I am feeling magnanimous and benevolent toward myself, I can usually make some strides forward. I ALWAYS have a huge list of goals or objectives I can choose from right in my head. I just try to remember I need to avoid the dreaded mindset of perfectionism.
This is at least part of the current List In My Head:
- Get kids back into doing their chores without being asked. I gave them an allowance for doing it WITHOUT being reminded, because I am so not into the Drill Sergeant Thing. It went well for several months, then I found myself needing to remind. So out went the allowance. That was, as you can imagine, not much of an incentive. So, my new incentive idea is to have them pay ME, or rather, pay a jar (whose contents will eventually be used in some charitable way) if they don't do the chores. So, in the morning, if I see the previous evening's chores have not been done, I will hear the sweet tinkle of coinage landing in the jar...insert evil laugh and appropriate hand-wringing. Of course, the chores will have to be done anyway. Insert more evil cackling. The chore lists need some revamping, which is what I actually need to DO in this area.
- Keep my creative life alive by doing small things wherever they will fit into daily life...for example, I have literally hundreds of books that are collage fodder. I usually just pick up a book and start flipping through it when I am making an art journal page or something, but I would really like to have stuff already cut and prepped in some way beforehand. Browsing through books and cutting things out is something I can do when I am doing something like re-watching Buffy with Husband. In the most recent issue of Art Journaling magazine I saw some pages where the artist took inchies or twinchies (just like inchies, only 2" square) and used each one as a "day" in a calendar-type page...she wrote whatever small amount of info, a thought, memory, experience, or whatever would fit, and then attached them in the journal. I might try this with twinchies, and attach them in a way so they can fold out like a page and so have writing on both sides. That is definitely a small thing which would add up to something bigger over time.
- Continue walking slowly but steadily along Sanctification Trail. I am so over trying to incorporate any impressive "spiritual disciplines" into my life. My goal is simply to make a habit of reading the Bible and praying in a more casual, immediate fashion. Today I started this Bible reading plan. The basic format has you reading 10 chapters a day from 10 different portions of the Bible, with the main goal at first being to get you in the habit of reading, and then to help you see Scripture interpreting Scripture. From the PDF of the program:
Since the lists vary in length, the readings begin interweaving in constantly changing ways. You will NEVER read the same set of ten chapters together again! Every year you’ll read through all the Gospels four times, the Pentateuch twice,Paul’s le tters 4-5 times each, the OT wisdom literature six times, all the Psalms at least twice, all the Proverbs as well as Acts a dozen times, and all the way through the OT History and Prophetic books about 1 ½ times. Since the interweaving is constantly changing, you will experience the Bible commenting on itself in constantly changing ways -- the Reformer's principle of 'scriptura interpretans scripturam' --'scripture interpreting scripture' IN ACTION!
In the past, I have always thought that simply reading the Bible wasn't enough - there had to be in-depth study of Hebrew and Greek words, much use of concordances, etc. But God has said that His Word will not return to Him void, so I am going to trust Him on that and just read in this way, like I would read anything.
I recently realized that just as I am very guarded and less than honest about my true self and feelings with most other people, I am the same way with God. Which is totally stupid, of course, since God knows us inside and out. But this tendency of mine is not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but rather because I have trust issues. After reading a book by Larry Crabb (that much-maligned-in-some-Christian-circles psychologist) I understood that even though God knows everything about me before I tell Him, it does something important for my "relationship" with God if I am honest and talk with Him like I would any trusted friend. For me, it's too easy to have only the "reverence" part down, which can lead to distance, aloofness and cold, stilted prayers. I also think this unwillingness to really admit what I am going through existentially to God has a part in my struggle with Hyper-Calvinistic-Stoic-Que-Sera-Sera type thinking. I know God is there and that He is sovereign. But I don't always maintain a heart level belief that my my relationship with God goes beyond Creator and Creature, I find myself not truly seeking or asking after Him, Himself - rather I maintain a respectful distance and stiff-upper-lip kind of acceptance about my inner and outer life, like a good Creature should do.
I have read several Christian books recently, and a few ideas popped up in all of them. The main thing I took away from them was that what we most need to strive for is valuing God for Himself, and not for His blessings in this life, and the importance and benefit of practicing the presence of God where we are. This is something we can do in every situation. We don't have to have impressive and dynamic spiritual disciplines in place. We don't need to have warm, fuzzy feelings toward God. In fact, Larry Crabb especially made the point that instead of pretending that we have a heart for God, that we value Him above all things, we need to admit to Him that we in fact DO NOT, and then we can go forward, desiring to desire...and even that is proof of our regeneration.
I have noticed that we can take our natural human tendencies and use them to practice His presence. You know how you basically have a running monologue in your head all the time? How about those conversations you have with people that you would probably not have in real life - the things you should have said, or would say if you were brave enough. And all those conflicting desires, frustrations, angers, fears and resentments hanging out in there? Think how awful you feel when you are upset or angry or whatever, and you try to keep it all inside, pretend it's all fine. What I've always done is skip sharing with God what I am really experiencing. I think I shouldn't be feeling any of this stuff anyway, it just proves my lack of sanctification, right...so I just skip right to a pious sounding prayer about whatever it is, wrapping it up in some neat little platitude. But doing that doesn't seem to help with the real issue, which is most often me, living my life for me, thinking about me, me, me all the time. It just allows all that whirlwind of mind to become ingrained into deeper negative neural pathways...and baby, my negative neural pathways are wicked deep. But I can think these same types of thoughts, and instead share them with God. This kind of diffuses it all. It renews my mind, because I begin to see it all for what it is, then I see God for what He is, which is ever merciful to me, a sinner.
This is all easy enough to talk about, but it's hard to practice the presence of God when you are in one of those days, weeks, months or years when you don't feel that presence anywhere. Your life is boring, or kinda depressing, or tedious, or lonely or annoying...and how about when it's actually tragic, totally falling apart and full of searing pain? I think you go about it the same way if you can. But if you just can't, if you are numb, or spiritually cold, or full of doubts...I think hanging onto God by the proverbial skin of your teeth counts, kinda like Frodo hangs there over the fiery chasm with his finger bitten off.
Another thing that popped up in all the books was the idea of the two different kinds of time - chronos time and kairos time. Chronos time is clock time, minutes, hours, days...the stuff that can drag, that mocks us for being late, the realm of the schedule, the plan, the rush and the hub-bub of life. Kairos time is the Moments, when time almost stops, when we feel the weight of life. Eternity breaks in somehow. Or we really experience beauty. We see our new baby for the first time after the struggle of labor, or sit by the deathbed of someone we love, seeing them for the last time. We might just be peeling potatoes, but for some reason we are paying attention. We notice the light on the water in the pot, we feel the heft of the potato, see the peels falling under our knife, and we suddenly realize that We Are Living, and it is amazing. This is an experience that we all share as human beings, and is not limited to believers - I think it is a manifestation of having eternity placed in our hearts. I don't know if we will experience more moments like this as we become more adept at practicing God's presence, but in those times when I am trying to just Be Here Now, I do catch more glimpses. Learning to live in the moment has been one of my resolutions for many years, and I am not sure if I am any better at it now, than I was 20 years ago. But it is something I will keep desiring, and I know that I will eventually attain it in Glory, even if I continue to struggle with it here.
4) Fitness/Health/Vanity-wise, I want to continue towards being a physically strong, somewhat slim and lean Happy Eater...meaning, a person who is never on a diet, who does not see food as good or bad, who eats in a way that she enjoys and which makes her feel good. I lost 35 lbs that way, even though I did not realize what I was doing exactly. I want to keep refining my eating by continuing to cut out foods I totally do not care about, so I can have lots of room for foods I do care about.
I care passionately about:
full fat Greek yogurt with maple syrup, 85% chocolate with peanut butter, basic salads, chicken (including fried), tomatillo salsa, hazelnuts, pecans and almonds, cafe lattes, whole grain fresh corn tortillas, pepper jack cheese, frozen wild blueberries, homemade chicken soup, potatoes, butter, olive oil, fresh pecorino romano cheese, italian sausage, stove-popped popcorn with seasoning salt, ginger snaps from the Whole Foods bulk section, natural deli turkey from Central Market and also this totally nummy salami from there.
I care moderately about:
eggs, pasta, fresh hearth-baked breads (current fave rosemary bread with a salted top), brown rice and oats, fajita meat and chuck roasts, occasional high-quality potato chips, occasional homemade pizza, occasional homemade baked goods - favorites being pumpkin bread, cheesecake, pound cake and shortbread cookies with nuts and anything made with almond paste.
I totally do not care about:
ground beef of any kind, pancakes, soda, any kind of juice, mainstream candy bars, any condiments except salsa, any non-bakery breads in a bag, boxed crackers, any cereal except the occasional Kashi Go-Lean in yogurt, tortilla chips, cheese puffs and most other chips, dips, beans, cooked vegetables, almost all casseroles, store-bought desserts of any kind except for those nummy frozen eclairs.
I am 43 now, and by the time I hit 45 I would like to be somewhat lean and muscular but not ripped. At this point I am losing weight fairly slowly but steadily, but I am still nursing - nursing seems to help drop weight at first, but in my experience as an extended nurser, after a while it really causes you to hang on to the last pounds. I want to incorporate more intermittent fasting and shorter eating windows, I like to vary how much I eat day to day instead of trying to keep a steady calorie thing going. It works much better to eat less on the days you are busy or don't really care about food, so you can eat more on the days it means more for some reason...you make your favorite meal that you love to scarf down, you need to eat for comfort, etc. I would also like to become consistent with taking a few supplements.
On the exercise front, my only focus these days is lifting heavy weights 2 or 3x per week. I have been neglecting my flexibility and other restorative physical things, so I would like to add more of that as BabyTime becomes less demanding. My main focus is my shoulders, my back and my rear end. My shoulders look good VERY quickly and easily, my back is where my most hated fat lives, and my natural buns tend towards the flat. Deadlifts with about 60 lbs and dumbbell swings with 30 lbs seem to be shaping "up" the rear, but there is more fat to banish before my back looks like I want it to. I am not super concerned about my abs - I have no desire for a 6 pack or any pack. Just not having a super lot of fat there and having a strong functional core is my goal. I am wide waisted anyway, basically straight up and down if I am fit, with wide shoulders, hardly any hips and slim and muscular legs and arms.
Gotta wind this up...so here are a few other things that float around in my head as possibly worthwhile things to spend time on this year, but no pressure from myself to actually do:
1) Going through the two JINORMOUS bins of kid's drawings and making a huge collage with the best of them on a big canvas...there are some pretty impressive ones
2) Make a prototype for my book
3) Get some digital pictures PRINTED. I have 8 years worth and have never had a single one printed
4) Try to learn to take decent photos with at least a somewhat artistic look
I think that's enough for at least a year.
This is at least part of the current List In My Head:
- Get kids back into doing their chores without being asked. I gave them an allowance for doing it WITHOUT being reminded, because I am so not into the Drill Sergeant Thing. It went well for several months, then I found myself needing to remind. So out went the allowance. That was, as you can imagine, not much of an incentive. So, my new incentive idea is to have them pay ME, or rather, pay a jar (whose contents will eventually be used in some charitable way) if they don't do the chores. So, in the morning, if I see the previous evening's chores have not been done, I will hear the sweet tinkle of coinage landing in the jar...insert evil laugh and appropriate hand-wringing. Of course, the chores will have to be done anyway. Insert more evil cackling. The chore lists need some revamping, which is what I actually need to DO in this area.
- Keep my creative life alive by doing small things wherever they will fit into daily life...for example, I have literally hundreds of books that are collage fodder. I usually just pick up a book and start flipping through it when I am making an art journal page or something, but I would really like to have stuff already cut and prepped in some way beforehand. Browsing through books and cutting things out is something I can do when I am doing something like re-watching Buffy with Husband. In the most recent issue of Art Journaling magazine I saw some pages where the artist took inchies or twinchies (just like inchies, only 2" square) and used each one as a "day" in a calendar-type page...she wrote whatever small amount of info, a thought, memory, experience, or whatever would fit, and then attached them in the journal. I might try this with twinchies, and attach them in a way so they can fold out like a page and so have writing on both sides. That is definitely a small thing which would add up to something bigger over time.
- Continue walking slowly but steadily along Sanctification Trail. I am so over trying to incorporate any impressive "spiritual disciplines" into my life. My goal is simply to make a habit of reading the Bible and praying in a more casual, immediate fashion. Today I started this Bible reading plan. The basic format has you reading 10 chapters a day from 10 different portions of the Bible, with the main goal at first being to get you in the habit of reading, and then to help you see Scripture interpreting Scripture. From the PDF of the program:
Since the lists vary in length, the readings begin interweaving in constantly changing ways. You will NEVER read the same set of ten chapters together again! Every year you’ll read through all the Gospels four times, the Pentateuch twice,Paul’s le tters 4-5 times each, the OT wisdom literature six times, all the Psalms at least twice, all the Proverbs as well as Acts a dozen times, and all the way through the OT History and Prophetic books about 1 ½ times. Since the interweaving is constantly changing, you will experience the Bible commenting on itself in constantly changing ways -- the Reformer's principle of 'scriptura interpretans scripturam' --'scripture interpreting scripture' IN ACTION!
In the past, I have always thought that simply reading the Bible wasn't enough - there had to be in-depth study of Hebrew and Greek words, much use of concordances, etc. But God has said that His Word will not return to Him void, so I am going to trust Him on that and just read in this way, like I would read anything.
I recently realized that just as I am very guarded and less than honest about my true self and feelings with most other people, I am the same way with God. Which is totally stupid, of course, since God knows us inside and out. But this tendency of mine is not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but rather because I have trust issues. After reading a book by Larry Crabb (that much-maligned-in-some-Christian-circles psychologist) I understood that even though God knows everything about me before I tell Him, it does something important for my "relationship" with God if I am honest and talk with Him like I would any trusted friend. For me, it's too easy to have only the "reverence" part down, which can lead to distance, aloofness and cold, stilted prayers. I also think this unwillingness to really admit what I am going through existentially to God has a part in my struggle with Hyper-Calvinistic-Stoic-Que-Sera-Sera type thinking. I know God is there and that He is sovereign. But I don't always maintain a heart level belief that my my relationship with God goes beyond Creator and Creature, I find myself not truly seeking or asking after Him, Himself - rather I maintain a respectful distance and stiff-upper-lip kind of acceptance about my inner and outer life, like a good Creature should do.
I have read several Christian books recently, and a few ideas popped up in all of them. The main thing I took away from them was that what we most need to strive for is valuing God for Himself, and not for His blessings in this life, and the importance and benefit of practicing the presence of God where we are. This is something we can do in every situation. We don't have to have impressive and dynamic spiritual disciplines in place. We don't need to have warm, fuzzy feelings toward God. In fact, Larry Crabb especially made the point that instead of pretending that we have a heart for God, that we value Him above all things, we need to admit to Him that we in fact DO NOT, and then we can go forward, desiring to desire...and even that is proof of our regeneration.
I have noticed that we can take our natural human tendencies and use them to practice His presence. You know how you basically have a running monologue in your head all the time? How about those conversations you have with people that you would probably not have in real life - the things you should have said, or would say if you were brave enough. And all those conflicting desires, frustrations, angers, fears and resentments hanging out in there? Think how awful you feel when you are upset or angry or whatever, and you try to keep it all inside, pretend it's all fine. What I've always done is skip sharing with God what I am really experiencing. I think I shouldn't be feeling any of this stuff anyway, it just proves my lack of sanctification, right...so I just skip right to a pious sounding prayer about whatever it is, wrapping it up in some neat little platitude. But doing that doesn't seem to help with the real issue, which is most often me, living my life for me, thinking about me, me, me all the time. It just allows all that whirlwind of mind to become ingrained into deeper negative neural pathways...and baby, my negative neural pathways are wicked deep. But I can think these same types of thoughts, and instead share them with God. This kind of diffuses it all. It renews my mind, because I begin to see it all for what it is, then I see God for what He is, which is ever merciful to me, a sinner.
This is all easy enough to talk about, but it's hard to practice the presence of God when you are in one of those days, weeks, months or years when you don't feel that presence anywhere. Your life is boring, or kinda depressing, or tedious, or lonely or annoying...and how about when it's actually tragic, totally falling apart and full of searing pain? I think you go about it the same way if you can. But if you just can't, if you are numb, or spiritually cold, or full of doubts...I think hanging onto God by the proverbial skin of your teeth counts, kinda like Frodo hangs there over the fiery chasm with his finger bitten off.
Another thing that popped up in all the books was the idea of the two different kinds of time - chronos time and kairos time. Chronos time is clock time, minutes, hours, days...the stuff that can drag, that mocks us for being late, the realm of the schedule, the plan, the rush and the hub-bub of life. Kairos time is the Moments, when time almost stops, when we feel the weight of life. Eternity breaks in somehow. Or we really experience beauty. We see our new baby for the first time after the struggle of labor, or sit by the deathbed of someone we love, seeing them for the last time. We might just be peeling potatoes, but for some reason we are paying attention. We notice the light on the water in the pot, we feel the heft of the potato, see the peels falling under our knife, and we suddenly realize that We Are Living, and it is amazing. This is an experience that we all share as human beings, and is not limited to believers - I think it is a manifestation of having eternity placed in our hearts. I don't know if we will experience more moments like this as we become more adept at practicing God's presence, but in those times when I am trying to just Be Here Now, I do catch more glimpses. Learning to live in the moment has been one of my resolutions for many years, and I am not sure if I am any better at it now, than I was 20 years ago. But it is something I will keep desiring, and I know that I will eventually attain it in Glory, even if I continue to struggle with it here.
4) Fitness/Health/Vanity-wise, I want to continue towards being a physically strong, somewhat slim and lean Happy Eater...meaning, a person who is never on a diet, who does not see food as good or bad, who eats in a way that she enjoys and which makes her feel good. I lost 35 lbs that way, even though I did not realize what I was doing exactly. I want to keep refining my eating by continuing to cut out foods I totally do not care about, so I can have lots of room for foods I do care about.
I care passionately about:
full fat Greek yogurt with maple syrup, 85% chocolate with peanut butter, basic salads, chicken (including fried), tomatillo salsa, hazelnuts, pecans and almonds, cafe lattes, whole grain fresh corn tortillas, pepper jack cheese, frozen wild blueberries, homemade chicken soup, potatoes, butter, olive oil, fresh pecorino romano cheese, italian sausage, stove-popped popcorn with seasoning salt, ginger snaps from the Whole Foods bulk section, natural deli turkey from Central Market and also this totally nummy salami from there.
I care moderately about:
eggs, pasta, fresh hearth-baked breads (current fave rosemary bread with a salted top), brown rice and oats, fajita meat and chuck roasts, occasional high-quality potato chips, occasional homemade pizza, occasional homemade baked goods - favorites being pumpkin bread, cheesecake, pound cake and shortbread cookies with nuts and anything made with almond paste.
I totally do not care about:
ground beef of any kind, pancakes, soda, any kind of juice, mainstream candy bars, any condiments except salsa, any non-bakery breads in a bag, boxed crackers, any cereal except the occasional Kashi Go-Lean in yogurt, tortilla chips, cheese puffs and most other chips, dips, beans, cooked vegetables, almost all casseroles, store-bought desserts of any kind except for those nummy frozen eclairs.
I am 43 now, and by the time I hit 45 I would like to be somewhat lean and muscular but not ripped. At this point I am losing weight fairly slowly but steadily, but I am still nursing - nursing seems to help drop weight at first, but in my experience as an extended nurser, after a while it really causes you to hang on to the last pounds. I want to incorporate more intermittent fasting and shorter eating windows, I like to vary how much I eat day to day instead of trying to keep a steady calorie thing going. It works much better to eat less on the days you are busy or don't really care about food, so you can eat more on the days it means more for some reason...you make your favorite meal that you love to scarf down, you need to eat for comfort, etc. I would also like to become consistent with taking a few supplements.
On the exercise front, my only focus these days is lifting heavy weights 2 or 3x per week. I have been neglecting my flexibility and other restorative physical things, so I would like to add more of that as BabyTime becomes less demanding. My main focus is my shoulders, my back and my rear end. My shoulders look good VERY quickly and easily, my back is where my most hated fat lives, and my natural buns tend towards the flat. Deadlifts with about 60 lbs and dumbbell swings with 30 lbs seem to be shaping "up" the rear, but there is more fat to banish before my back looks like I want it to. I am not super concerned about my abs - I have no desire for a 6 pack or any pack. Just not having a super lot of fat there and having a strong functional core is my goal. I am wide waisted anyway, basically straight up and down if I am fit, with wide shoulders, hardly any hips and slim and muscular legs and arms.
Gotta wind this up...so here are a few other things that float around in my head as possibly worthwhile things to spend time on this year, but no pressure from myself to actually do:
1) Going through the two JINORMOUS bins of kid's drawings and making a huge collage with the best of them on a big canvas...there are some pretty impressive ones
2) Make a prototype for my book
3) Get some digital pictures PRINTED. I have 8 years worth and have never had a single one printed
4) Try to learn to take decent photos with at least a somewhat artistic look
I think that's enough for at least a year.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
What Have I Done Today?
Since I have been going all LoserLady recently, I am going to fall back on one of my techniques to get rid of her - to look at what I have actually accomplished rather than at all the things left undone. It usually sends her on a somewhat brief hiatus, because in hindsight things look less failureish.
Got up at 7am. Today I have, by now at 2:30pm:
- Drunk cafe latte
- Eaten one slice of awesome rye toast
- Read my morning forums - Happy Eaters, Video Fitness, Television Without Pity Dexter Forum, FB, Pinterest
- Taken one load of laundry out of the dryer, folded it and put another load in the washer. Did not put folded load away.
- Made a pound cake for Moppet 3's birthday party tomorrow
- Made pasta sauce with Italian sausage, wore Baby in sling to get her to sleep while doing this
- Ate said sauce with garden rotini and 2 raw celery sticks
- Lifted weights in kitchen while waiting for pound cake to be done cooking - 15 lbs: 2 sets of 20 shoulder press, 2 sets of 16 upright row, 3 hand positions of 16 reps lat row - stationary lunges, curtsy lunges, basic squat (30 lb total). 12 lb: 16 reps in and out shoulder flyes, 16 triceps kickbacks, 16 single arm overhead triceps press, biceps curls in 3 hand positions. bodyweight: 2 sets 15 big-girl pushups, 60 second plank lowering alternate knees to floor, triceps dips, barre-style leg raises in 3 positions, 30 reps each. Basic quick stretch.
- Washed accumulated bowls and pans from cake and lunch
- Will take Moppet 1 to an almost 2 hour dance class around 3:30, wait for her at a Burger King Playland with other 4 Moppets, and then will be home around 6:30 (Husband usually takes her, but is on a big job and so is not available)
- Is not planning on doing anything else productive this evening. Will probably play a new game with the family, the hopefully watch Firefly. Will have Moppets do their living room and kitchen chores, will eat regular bedtime snack of full-fat Greek yogurt, Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal and frozen wild blueberries, then will undoubtedly be ready for bed, and will hopefully be mentally prepared 10am birthday party in the morning.
Got up at 7am. Today I have, by now at 2:30pm:
- Drunk cafe latte
- Eaten one slice of awesome rye toast
- Read my morning forums - Happy Eaters, Video Fitness, Television Without Pity Dexter Forum, FB, Pinterest
- Taken one load of laundry out of the dryer, folded it and put another load in the washer. Did not put folded load away.
- Made a pound cake for Moppet 3's birthday party tomorrow
- Made pasta sauce with Italian sausage, wore Baby in sling to get her to sleep while doing this
- Ate said sauce with garden rotini and 2 raw celery sticks
- Lifted weights in kitchen while waiting for pound cake to be done cooking - 15 lbs: 2 sets of 20 shoulder press, 2 sets of 16 upright row, 3 hand positions of 16 reps lat row - stationary lunges, curtsy lunges, basic squat (30 lb total). 12 lb: 16 reps in and out shoulder flyes, 16 triceps kickbacks, 16 single arm overhead triceps press, biceps curls in 3 hand positions. bodyweight: 2 sets 15 big-girl pushups, 60 second plank lowering alternate knees to floor, triceps dips, barre-style leg raises in 3 positions, 30 reps each. Basic quick stretch.
- Washed accumulated bowls and pans from cake and lunch
- Will take Moppet 1 to an almost 2 hour dance class around 3:30, wait for her at a Burger King Playland with other 4 Moppets, and then will be home around 6:30 (Husband usually takes her, but is on a big job and so is not available)
- Is not planning on doing anything else productive this evening. Will probably play a new game with the family, the hopefully watch Firefly. Will have Moppets do their living room and kitchen chores, will eat regular bedtime snack of full-fat Greek yogurt, Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal and frozen wild blueberries, then will undoubtedly be ready for bed, and will hopefully be mentally prepared 10am birthday party in the morning.
Friday, December 2, 2011
In Which Several of My Alter-Egos Duke It Out
There once was a gal whose mentality
Tended towards split personality.
Alter-egos she juggled, and constantly struggled
To maintain just a base functionality.
Like some people are blown around with every wind of doctrine, I am sorry to admit that I am blown around on every gust of emotion - mine and others'. I am way too affected not only by my own emotional swings, but I am hyper-sensitive to the moods of everyone else in the house.
When someone in my charge is less than satisfied with life, my alter-ego, LoserLady, dons her cape. LoserLady's Unsuperpower is feeling like a total failure whenever anything remotely within her sphere of influence is imperfect. This may seem like low self-esteem, but it really isn't. When she is not dealing with other people in one of her life roles, she morphs into another personality, maybe one with a real Superpower. And it isn't humility, either, because humble people, it is said, don't think less of themselves, but rather think of themselves less.
When LoserLady is on patrol, everything is about her.
As her therapist, I am aware that in some ways this Unsuperpower developed because she was reared on a far distant planet, fed a diet of Abandonment Soup, Insecurity Crackers and Fear Pudding. She eats better now, but has many lingering problems from this malnourishment...
Okay, I HATE allegory and it is proof that rapidwriting taps into oft unused brain cells if I drifted into it. But the point is that I am tired of LoserLady and want the equivalent of a Buffy Vamp Stake to do her in...I just don't know what weapon would work. LoserLady's arch nemesis (who seems healthier but really isn't) is Self-Improvementista, and she is always trying to slay LoserLady by choking her with wadded up plans and schedules shoved down her throat, or hitting her on the head with big, heavy books on how to better yourself. So far, this has failed and LoserLady lives on.
Recently I have been experiencing a queer lack of drive and/or ambition I thought was a manifestation of LoserLady (or maybe her frienemy DiscouragementDiva) but now I am not sure, after I read this in a blog post (by a man who happens to have Stage IV cancer) today:
"Most of us are mediocre, make unique contributions only in the peculiar ways we screw things up, and could easily be replaced as husband, father or employee, by somebody better suited to the task...As I look round the church, it strikes me that this zen-like condition of a lack of ambition is much to be desired because far too many Christians have senses of destiny which verge on the messianic. The confidence that the Lord has a special plan and purpose just for them shapes the way they act and move. Now, just for the record, I am a good Calvinist, and I certainly believe each individual has a destiny; what concerns me is the way in which our tendency to think of ourselves as special and unique (which we all are in some ways – D.N.A. etc.) bleeds over into a sense of special destiny whereby the future, or at least the future of myself, comes to be the priority and to trump all else."
Despite being quite lazy in lots of ways, I have always been a sporadically productive person of an artistic and somewhat visionary bent, and I do like to help and encourage people in that area, as you probably know. I have all kinds of plans and ideas for things I would like to do or study or accomplish at some point in my life, but lately I have been wondering what the point of any of that is. At times, those thoughts come when LoserLady is visiting, or I assume it's just creative block or whatever, and that it will pass. There is also the fact that basic day-to-day tasks keep me busy and make me tired and so television sounds much more appealing than dragging out and cleaning up paint.
But then there is this underlying sense that nothing I have done or will do is really all that earth-shatteringly important, and I say this in the most self-loving of ways. Even though I have several negative and unmotivational alter-egos who haunt me, I usually think I'm a fairly likable and intelligent person with a somewhat interesting past and present life, and a moderate amount of wisdom that might conceivably be used to help others, make them laugh, or teach them something if I happened to translate it into a book or an art workshop or whatever. But there is nothing I could offer that is so unique that absolutely no one else could offer a reasonable facsimile. Plus, I still struggle to know whether I am using whatever talents I have for God's glory or my own 15 minutes of fame. I don't know how to tell.
Recently I have been considering giving up (for an indeterminate time) my grand plans and the work I do which is geared somewhat toward fulfilling them. I want to do this because:
1) A lot of the stress in my life comes from trying to juggle the daily tasks of wife and motherhood with "the other stuff"...my focus is divided and I can't give either one my full attention. But the artwork doesn't care one way or another if I neglect it, and it will always be there. The people in my life do suffer when I feel resentful because I am being disturbed in the middle of something. Because I become more or less unpleasant, depending on how resentful I feel. This is not to say that I will never write or paint or whatever, but for now I want to let go of the struggle I have trying to carve out the time for it.
This leads into the next reason:
2) My spiritual life has been in the proverbial toilet for a long, long time, and I know my more annoying alter-egos thrive on that fact. I realize we can't really know what God wants us to do with our lives in detail - we know that whatever is lawful is fine to pursue. But this past week SelfImprovementista has been reading First Things First, and a kinda cliche phrase stood out to her - The Good Can be the Enemy Of the Best. All the creative stuff a few of my other alter-egos like to do are good things, but I know I will never get anywhere with them while I put more focus on them than the eternal things. I could create the most beautiful and emotionally resonant art journals in the world, but when my flesh has gone to The Body Farm, they might, at best, be somewhat interesting to my grandchildren. But apart from that, they will pass into obscurity, which is as it should be.
I am not planning on "fasting" from my creative pursuits for spiritual reasons per se, like a personal Autumn Lent. But I feel burdended so much of the time trying to get so many things done, and the burden does not feel light at all. Even though I am not a Career Woman, I am striving to "fit it all in". Even when I succeed in doing that, you know what your clothes look like when you unpack, if you just shoved everything, way too much of it, into the suitcase. I want to free up some space in the suitcase of my life, and see if God will work in an obvious way to fill it. I am sure he won't charge 50 bucks a bag like the airlines do, no matter how much it ends up weighing.
He might give me a nice stretch of time and a burst of clarity and talent to paint a huge canvas next week. I have no idea. But I don't want to be trying to scratch out that time with my ineffective little chicken claws, squinting down at the earth and trying to decide whether the corn or the grubs would be more tasty.
I'm not sure of the "official" meaning of Revelation 2:17, "I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it." But I know that in other contexts God gives people new names when He lets them in on at least a bit of the future He has planned for them. Jacob literally wrestled with God before he got his new name, but I am too tired for wrestling. I have named every one of my alter-egos so far, but I still don't know the Real Name of my primary self. I do know that whatever her name turns out to be, what she ultimately wants is to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Since I don't know if or where any of my talents or plans fit into the pursuit of that goal, I am just going to loosen my grip on all of them, and see what happens. Believe it or not, relinquishment is the only thing I haven't tried in my personal quest, despite knowing that in God's kingdom, the maxim to follow for discovering ourselves is Finders Weepers, Losers Keepers.
Tended towards split personality.
Alter-egos she juggled, and constantly struggled
To maintain just a base functionality.
Like some people are blown around with every wind of doctrine, I am sorry to admit that I am blown around on every gust of emotion - mine and others'. I am way too affected not only by my own emotional swings, but I am hyper-sensitive to the moods of everyone else in the house.
When someone in my charge is less than satisfied with life, my alter-ego, LoserLady, dons her cape. LoserLady's Unsuperpower is feeling like a total failure whenever anything remotely within her sphere of influence is imperfect. This may seem like low self-esteem, but it really isn't. When she is not dealing with other people in one of her life roles, she morphs into another personality, maybe one with a real Superpower. And it isn't humility, either, because humble people, it is said, don't think less of themselves, but rather think of themselves less.
When LoserLady is on patrol, everything is about her.
As her therapist, I am aware that in some ways this Unsuperpower developed because she was reared on a far distant planet, fed a diet of Abandonment Soup, Insecurity Crackers and Fear Pudding. She eats better now, but has many lingering problems from this malnourishment...
Okay, I HATE allegory and it is proof that rapidwriting taps into oft unused brain cells if I drifted into it. But the point is that I am tired of LoserLady and want the equivalent of a Buffy Vamp Stake to do her in...I just don't know what weapon would work. LoserLady's arch nemesis (who seems healthier but really isn't) is Self-Improvementista, and she is always trying to slay LoserLady by choking her with wadded up plans and schedules shoved down her throat, or hitting her on the head with big, heavy books on how to better yourself. So far, this has failed and LoserLady lives on.
Recently I have been experiencing a queer lack of drive and/or ambition I thought was a manifestation of LoserLady (or maybe her frienemy DiscouragementDiva) but now I am not sure, after I read this in a blog post (by a man who happens to have Stage IV cancer) today:
"Most of us are mediocre, make unique contributions only in the peculiar ways we screw things up, and could easily be replaced as husband, father or employee, by somebody better suited to the task...As I look round the church, it strikes me that this zen-like condition of a lack of ambition is much to be desired because far too many Christians have senses of destiny which verge on the messianic. The confidence that the Lord has a special plan and purpose just for them shapes the way they act and move. Now, just for the record, I am a good Calvinist, and I certainly believe each individual has a destiny; what concerns me is the way in which our tendency to think of ourselves as special and unique (which we all are in some ways – D.N.A. etc.) bleeds over into a sense of special destiny whereby the future, or at least the future of myself, comes to be the priority and to trump all else."
Despite being quite lazy in lots of ways, I have always been a sporadically productive person of an artistic and somewhat visionary bent, and I do like to help and encourage people in that area, as you probably know. I have all kinds of plans and ideas for things I would like to do or study or accomplish at some point in my life, but lately I have been wondering what the point of any of that is. At times, those thoughts come when LoserLady is visiting, or I assume it's just creative block or whatever, and that it will pass. There is also the fact that basic day-to-day tasks keep me busy and make me tired and so television sounds much more appealing than dragging out and cleaning up paint.
But then there is this underlying sense that nothing I have done or will do is really all that earth-shatteringly important, and I say this in the most self-loving of ways. Even though I have several negative and unmotivational alter-egos who haunt me, I usually think I'm a fairly likable and intelligent person with a somewhat interesting past and present life, and a moderate amount of wisdom that might conceivably be used to help others, make them laugh, or teach them something if I happened to translate it into a book or an art workshop or whatever. But there is nothing I could offer that is so unique that absolutely no one else could offer a reasonable facsimile. Plus, I still struggle to know whether I am using whatever talents I have for God's glory or my own 15 minutes of fame. I don't know how to tell.
Recently I have been considering giving up (for an indeterminate time) my grand plans and the work I do which is geared somewhat toward fulfilling them. I want to do this because:
1) A lot of the stress in my life comes from trying to juggle the daily tasks of wife and motherhood with "the other stuff"...my focus is divided and I can't give either one my full attention. But the artwork doesn't care one way or another if I neglect it, and it will always be there. The people in my life do suffer when I feel resentful because I am being disturbed in the middle of something. Because I become more or less unpleasant, depending on how resentful I feel. This is not to say that I will never write or paint or whatever, but for now I want to let go of the struggle I have trying to carve out the time for it.
This leads into the next reason:
2) My spiritual life has been in the proverbial toilet for a long, long time, and I know my more annoying alter-egos thrive on that fact. I realize we can't really know what God wants us to do with our lives in detail - we know that whatever is lawful is fine to pursue. But this past week SelfImprovementista has been reading First Things First, and a kinda cliche phrase stood out to her - The Good Can be the Enemy Of the Best. All the creative stuff a few of my other alter-egos like to do are good things, but I know I will never get anywhere with them while I put more focus on them than the eternal things. I could create the most beautiful and emotionally resonant art journals in the world, but when my flesh has gone to The Body Farm, they might, at best, be somewhat interesting to my grandchildren. But apart from that, they will pass into obscurity, which is as it should be.
I am not planning on "fasting" from my creative pursuits for spiritual reasons per se, like a personal Autumn Lent. But I feel burdended so much of the time trying to get so many things done, and the burden does not feel light at all. Even though I am not a Career Woman, I am striving to "fit it all in". Even when I succeed in doing that, you know what your clothes look like when you unpack, if you just shoved everything, way too much of it, into the suitcase. I want to free up some space in the suitcase of my life, and see if God will work in an obvious way to fill it. I am sure he won't charge 50 bucks a bag like the airlines do, no matter how much it ends up weighing.
He might give me a nice stretch of time and a burst of clarity and talent to paint a huge canvas next week. I have no idea. But I don't want to be trying to scratch out that time with my ineffective little chicken claws, squinting down at the earth and trying to decide whether the corn or the grubs would be more tasty.
I'm not sure of the "official" meaning of Revelation 2:17, "I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it." But I know that in other contexts God gives people new names when He lets them in on at least a bit of the future He has planned for them. Jacob literally wrestled with God before he got his new name, but I am too tired for wrestling. I have named every one of my alter-egos so far, but I still don't know the Real Name of my primary self. I do know that whatever her name turns out to be, what she ultimately wants is to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Since I don't know if or where any of my talents or plans fit into the pursuit of that goal, I am just going to loosen my grip on all of them, and see what happens. Believe it or not, relinquishment is the only thing I haven't tried in my personal quest, despite knowing that in God's kingdom, the maxim to follow for discovering ourselves is Finders Weepers, Losers Keepers.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Non-Psychological Rapidwrite, Part 2 - A Project I Would Like to Undertake
I have done a lot of different types of art and craft over the years. Some things I just dabbled in for a while, and either decided I didn't love it...or maybe I did love it, but relegated it to some future decade (God Willing) - because there are, after all, only twenty-four hours in a day. I use the internet as much as the next gal, but I still love most the things that are made with the hands, and ideas contained on real paper...I used to be really into "promoting" those things online (with blogging, an online storefront, etc), but I grew weary. Maintaining stuff like that is a lot of work and takes more time and energy than I have. But I think I am going to make a video, or a few short videos, showing the different non-virtual, tactile things I have done over the past two decades...It has taken two decades to create it all because there is so much else in life that kinda needs to be done.
But I do want to show people who might want to be more creative - but are too intimidated or feel too busy or whatever - that even with all the other things we have to do, if we do a little bit of It (whatever It is) over a long period of time, we will eventually have a lot to show for it. I seem to go through phases of art-making and writing, and then find myself backing off from it for a while...even with lotsa breaks, I have spent a little or a lot of time time doing these things: embroidery. crazy quilting. dollmaking. card and envelope making. drawing comics, bookbinding. scribing the Bible. writing letters and journals by hand. and using desktop publishing, art journaling, publishing zines under three mastheads...in addition to spending lots of time sitting on my rear watching television, reading gruesome crime novels (with some good non-fiction stuff and literature occasionally thrown in), exercising, being depressed and/or discouraged, praying less than I should, procrastinating about cleaning, cooking and other housekeeping chores, while ironically and simultaneously spending YEARS trying to make a pizza that I was totally happy with.
One thing I have never done is photography (apart from many badly composed digital camera shots, too many to ever sort through before I am in my dotage) or movie making. I got a book at the library called Shoot Video That Doesn't Suck, plus I have a daughter who likes to make and edit movies. But it is still waaaaaaay out of my comfort zone to try to create an interesting piece of film, and also to be in front of a camera, especially TALKING, for any length of time. So, I don't know when this will happen, or even if it will...but I am going to read the book and also gather together my stuff for this possible online Show and Tell.
But I do want to show people who might want to be more creative - but are too intimidated or feel too busy or whatever - that even with all the other things we have to do, if we do a little bit of It (whatever It is) over a long period of time, we will eventually have a lot to show for it. I seem to go through phases of art-making and writing, and then find myself backing off from it for a while...even with lotsa breaks, I have spent a little or a lot of time time doing these things: embroidery. crazy quilting. dollmaking. card and envelope making. drawing comics, bookbinding. scribing the Bible. writing letters and journals by hand. and using desktop publishing, art journaling, publishing zines under three mastheads...in addition to spending lots of time sitting on my rear watching television, reading gruesome crime novels (with some good non-fiction stuff and literature occasionally thrown in), exercising, being depressed and/or discouraged, praying less than I should, procrastinating about cleaning, cooking and other housekeeping chores, while ironically and simultaneously spending YEARS trying to make a pizza that I was totally happy with.
One thing I have never done is photography (apart from many badly composed digital camera shots, too many to ever sort through before I am in my dotage) or movie making. I got a book at the library called Shoot Video That Doesn't Suck, plus I have a daughter who likes to make and edit movies. But it is still waaaaaaay out of my comfort zone to try to create an interesting piece of film, and also to be in front of a camera, especially TALKING, for any length of time. So, I don't know when this will happen, or even if it will...but I am going to read the book and also gather together my stuff for this possible online Show and Tell.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Totally Non-Psychological Rapidwrite Part 1...American Wasteland
I am going to write a series of non-psychological stream-of-consciousness blog entries. No naval gazing, just things that don't have much to do with my Inner Landscape - thoughts about books I am reading, projects I am doing or would like to do...more tangible things and living in the Outer World. Sometimes I've just gotta take a vacation outside my own head, although it will be obvious this comes out of my head sans any editing ;-)
In the past week I have read a few books...let's see if I can remember what they are without getting up...American Wasteland and Precious Blood, and I just started Five Views on Law and Gospel. American Wasteland is my favorite kind of non-fiction book...something about an interpersonal/social issue that may or may not be political, written in an easily readable style with appropriate humor (often sarcastic or ironic). Non-Sentimental-Pathos is also welcome. Wasting food is something I feel guilty about, but I've never really TRIED to reduce it. This book really hit home the fact that throwing away food is like throwing away money. There are so many reasons I waste food - sometimes it is laziness, other times lack of ideas how to use what I have on hand, or I don't have a real plan for managing leftovers, etc. We shop at a scratch and dent, or seconds, grocery store sometimes, but I have realized that a lot of food from there gets wasted because 1) it is more likely to actually be stale since lots of the stuff there is close to the best-by date 2) it is often an off-brand that just isn't very good and 3) we can just buy more than we can reasonably eat because the prices are good...but even if something costs only 1.00 or so per item on average, if even 10% of what I buy gets tossed out, that adds up to a lot of money over the course of a year. The author, Jonathan Bloom, also states that the less varied your diet is, the less you waste...that is kinda good news for me, because I am not a very adventurous eater, and a lot of my struggle with cooking comes from feeling like I "should" cook a huge variety of different meals and lots of components within meals. I saw when we were camping that cooking was easier when there were fewer choices to make...the night before we came home, we didn't have lots of food left, but I made a meal of oatmeal, sauteed green apples with pecans, and fried leftover baked potatoes and onions...yeah, it was high carb, but it was not horrible nutritionally and it all tasted good together, and there was no hand-wringing involved, with me bemoaning my not-well-planned-and-balanced meal. The majority of this book is about food waste throughout the entire food cycle, from farm to store to restaurant or home, and the focus is not clever tips to cut food waste at home. It was a sobering look at how our prosperity has made us immune to the real value of food, and how our Martha Stewart ideas of beauty in the kitchen lead us to reject imperfect produce or crushed boxes, and how our paranoia about safety keeps supermarkets and restaurants from donating tons and tons of perfectly good food to food banks, charities, etc. We just don't know how good we have it...one of the people interviewed for the book thought that in a way, living through a real financial depression would be good for us, because it would shock us out of our mentality that just about everything is easily disposable because there will always be more where that came from.
In the past week I have read a few books...let's see if I can remember what they are without getting up...American Wasteland and Precious Blood, and I just started Five Views on Law and Gospel. American Wasteland is my favorite kind of non-fiction book...something about an interpersonal/social issue that may or may not be political, written in an easily readable style with appropriate humor (often sarcastic or ironic). Non-Sentimental-Pathos is also welcome. Wasting food is something I feel guilty about, but I've never really TRIED to reduce it. This book really hit home the fact that throwing away food is like throwing away money. There are so many reasons I waste food - sometimes it is laziness, other times lack of ideas how to use what I have on hand, or I don't have a real plan for managing leftovers, etc. We shop at a scratch and dent, or seconds, grocery store sometimes, but I have realized that a lot of food from there gets wasted because 1) it is more likely to actually be stale since lots of the stuff there is close to the best-by date 2) it is often an off-brand that just isn't very good and 3) we can just buy more than we can reasonably eat because the prices are good...but even if something costs only 1.00 or so per item on average, if even 10% of what I buy gets tossed out, that adds up to a lot of money over the course of a year. The author, Jonathan Bloom, also states that the less varied your diet is, the less you waste...that is kinda good news for me, because I am not a very adventurous eater, and a lot of my struggle with cooking comes from feeling like I "should" cook a huge variety of different meals and lots of components within meals. I saw when we were camping that cooking was easier when there were fewer choices to make...the night before we came home, we didn't have lots of food left, but I made a meal of oatmeal, sauteed green apples with pecans, and fried leftover baked potatoes and onions...yeah, it was high carb, but it was not horrible nutritionally and it all tasted good together, and there was no hand-wringing involved, with me bemoaning my not-well-planned-and-balanced meal. The majority of this book is about food waste throughout the entire food cycle, from farm to store to restaurant or home, and the focus is not clever tips to cut food waste at home. It was a sobering look at how our prosperity has made us immune to the real value of food, and how our Martha Stewart ideas of beauty in the kitchen lead us to reject imperfect produce or crushed boxes, and how our paranoia about safety keeps supermarkets and restaurants from donating tons and tons of perfectly good food to food banks, charities, etc. We just don't know how good we have it...one of the people interviewed for the book thought that in a way, living through a real financial depression would be good for us, because it would shock us out of our mentality that just about everything is easily disposable because there will always be more where that came from.
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